(There are worse things than being a one horse town…)

I’m sure there will be people who will condemn the actions by the town officials of Topeka (Kansas) as a cheap stunt – or the shoddiest sell-out this side of a certain mess of pottage.

Let me state firmly though that I’m not one of those nay-sayers.

I think it’s a brilliant idea. So, my best wishes to The Town Formerly Known As Topeka:

“An American city, Topeka, has renamed itself “Google” for a month, as it bids for the chance to host the search engine’s new high-speed broadband network.”

As I said, a brilliant scheme…

… and one I plan to emulate.

So, for fairly obvious reasons, I will change my name to Brad Pitt…

… trusting that this will lead to a high-speed connection with Angelina.

(If you want another kind of love, I’ll change my name for you…)

(INCOMING: I just found this clip - Dance me to the end of love, indeed.)

It seems only yesterday – okay, it was only yesterday – that I linked to a story about breast milk; to wit, about a woman who was charged with assault, after she had “squirted milk straight from her breast into the face of a female deputy.”

Well, you know what they say, ‘It never rains but it pours with the sticky stuff’, so I wasn’t all that surprised when I came upon the following story:

“Take four cups of breast milk, add rennet, salt and yoghurt – yes, four cups of breast milk, according to a recipe created by New York chef and restaurateur Daniel Angeler who posted his formula for maple caramelized pumpkin encrusted cheese on his blog, and offered “whoever wants to try it is welcome to try it as long as supply lasts”.”

It’s a kind of progress, I suppose – and it’s what human beings do best.

99,999% of all animals will ignore a branch that has fallen from the tree but one of our ancestors thought ‘Hang on a minute!’, picked it up and brained one of his fellow human beings.

We never leave well enough alone, you might say.

So, we steal milk from cows and turn it into ice-cream and milkshakes – and then we take our own breast milk and use it as an assault weapon or turn it into a Yuppie type cheese.

Oh, and for those of you who made these ‘yuk’ noises when you read about that breast milk maple caramelized et cetera cheese…

… you ain’t seen nothing yet.

May I present to you something that runs faster through your entrails than a fried Mars bars, smells more powerful than a deep-fried cheeseburger and is better able to leap up your throat in a single bound than a vengeful haggis.

Look! Up in the charts of the most disgusting food products ever…

It’s Pork Chocs – Sugar free chocolate dipped pork rinds

(You don’t need to have Superman’s stomach to swallow this but it helps…)

(Only their mothers could tell them apart…)

I’ve got Leonard Cohen on my brain – again…

I don’t know why – maybe it was something I read about the Chilcot inquiry: That lukewarm affair that was supposed to take a close & stern look at all the snake oil merchants, misfits and weathervanes who bungled & lied us into the Iraq war. Or maybe it was something else entirely: So many stupid news stories, so little time

Anyway, this morning, coming out of bed, I was humming Cohen’s song ‘The Future’. (Yes, I know, ‘Closing Time’ might have been more appropriate but my sleepy brain was insisting on the former…

… and just before I started to write this (after reading yet another silly news story in the Telegraph) I was quietly singing (and searching for the words of) one of the master’s much older songs, ‘Nancy’:

It seems so long ago

Nancy was alone,

looking at the late late show

through a semi-precious stone.

In the house of honesty

her father was on trial”

Okay, Nancy was Reagan’s wife, not Bush’s (or Blair’s) daughter – but it’s nice to think about an alternative world where George & Tony would rant crazily about ghosts at the banquet, shouting ‘Iraq has murdered sleep!’, before a world wide walking forest worth of editorials would have seen them arrested and brought before the International Court of Justice.

Well, even the smallest pebble can dream of the fall of mountains – though I admit that the above scenario is about as likely to come to a theatre near you as it would be for Bush & Blair to do a John Belushi at a press conference, shouting ‘YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST… WE HAVE SEEN THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!”

Ah well, that was in another country and besides, James Brown is dead.

Anyway, talking of weapons of mass destruction – and that news article that had my head playing haunted house to Leonard’s ghost…

… as assault weapons go, it’s perhaps not quite up there with those famed Weapons of Mass Destruction but this one, at least, was quite real…

… and pretty personal…

… and damn well up close too:

“An American woman has been charged with third-degree assault after she squirted breast milk in the face of a female police officer. Toni Tramel, from Kentucky, had been arrested for public intoxication and was changing into her prison uniform when the incident allegedly occurred. She reportedly squirted milk straight from her breast into the face of a female deputy.”

(Africa welcomes Scottish tourists…)

‘Hearsay’, ‘gossip’, rumour’: Those terms are so past their sell by dates – and now, thanks to the Telegraph, we finally have something to replace them with.

So, let’s finally enter this brave new millennium with the much more satisfying phrase:

‘Non scientific research’,

as used in the following article:

“Scotland’s notoriously bad weather appears to be behind why more of the country’s population appeared to be blessed with ginger hair, new research has claimed. The non scientific research found that in areas where the temperatures in summer were cooler and winter days were shorter – such as in Scotland – people with ginger hair were more likely to survive and evolve. This was compared to people with the trait living in places with hot temperatures, such as Africa where humans are thought to have evolved, where people with a ginger hair genetic strain were more likely to die.”

Perhaps so.

I can see that your average ginger haired Scot would have a hard time of it in Africa. Picture a Saturday night in ye olde jungle…

… where the local population would have found shelter in the trees, while the red top kilted ones would stagger from tree to tree, desperately seeking for any place that would serve a kebab, some second hand haggis or a deep fried Mars bar…

… which is definitely something Darwin would frown upon…

… though exactly the type of behaviour the local predatory wildlife would enjoy while it lasted.

It won’t be long now before the British people will decide which one of their political parties they loathe marginally less than the others – which won’t be easy, since all of them are about as charming as a horde of drunken Millwall hooligans on pit-bull parade duty.

That’s the price you have to pay though, when you live in a democracy. You’re actually expected to vote for one lying shithead or the other. Which is still marginally better than living in North Korea, where there’s just the one sleeze beak (who wouldn’t recognize a voting booth if it kicked him in the balls) but not by all that much.

Anyway, even before the electorate has had a chance to do so, science has already spoken, by way of some neuroscientist at Bangor University:

“David Cameron’s body language has been deemed more attractive to voters than that of Gordon Brown.”

Which would seem to spell big trouble for the Beloved Leader, since:

“[A]ccording to psychologists, the words spoken by politicians are less important than their body language.”

I’m sure that that is true.

Even the most simple-minded floating voter knows that a politician’s word is worth as much as the Zimbabwean dollar. Or, to stay closer at home, even the most dim-witted inhabitant of the most cerebrally challenged Big Brother house could tell you that your average politician is as dependable as British Airway’s Terminal 5.

So, as a voter you might as well put your faith in body language.

Which does indeed spell trouble for Gordon (Saviour of the Universe) Brown. Not that Cameron is that much shakes in the body language department. He would have serious trouble out-charming even the most shallow shadow puppet on a cloudy day…

… but being as alluring as the love child of Christopher Walken and Kathy Bates is hardly a handicap if Gordon Brown is your opponent…

… the latter having the charm of chlamydia, the wit of a Great White and the body language of a schizophrenic cement mixer with Tourette’s.

(Gordon & David: Let me hear your body talk - and hand me that barf bag…)

(From left to right: Germany, France, Belgium, England and Greece…?)

Yesterday, we learned that two German right wing politicians had suggested Greece should sell some of their islands and national treasures in order to get out of the red. Which led me to write THIS ‘Modest Proposal’ POST.

So, today, we have this, let’s hope final solution, from a German tabloid, called Bild:

“A German tabloid has advised Greeks to adopt a more Germanic work ethic – by rising earlier and working harder – in order to solve the country’s financial crisis.”

It would be a very cheap shot to suggest that if the Germans would have had a more laid back, Mediterranean attitude, the 20^th century might not have been host to two world wars, so I won’t go there.

Still, I’m not sure Europe could handle two countries with a Teutonic mindset – let alone two countries with odious tabloids like Bild.

So, let’s all of us just stick to what we know. Which means Germany being a country, which citizens, even when on holiday, rise early in order to annex bath chairs by strategically covering them with ‘Anschluss’ towels.

Where Greek students stone policemen – and where the Dutch get stoned (and get the munchies for weird Islamophobic politicians with even weirder hairdos.)

Where the French are at war with the English language and the English are at war with the whole idea of Europe.

Et cetera, et cetera.

God knows Europe ain’t perfect but it’s home. Home to a very dysfunctional family, I grant you but still the only place we have – which is why our occasional family dinners really don’t need one obnoxiously wealthy & obese family member with a highly dubious past be-lecturing one of the poorer relatives over port.

(Europe: Still ‘giving love in a family dose’ - of the clap…)

(Then and now: Spot the differences…)

Remember Jonathan Swift and his ‘Modest Proposal’?

We now have an update for that, with a newly revised subtitle too:

“For Preventing The Citizens of Poor Greece From Being Aburden to The European Tax Payer, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public”

Here’s today’s Modest Proposal, as reported in the Guardian:

Greece must consider a fire sale of land, historic buildings and art works to cut its debts, two rightwing German politicians said today in a newspaper interview that is bound to exacerbate tensions between Athens and Berlin. The Acropolis and the Parthenon could also fall under the hammer, along with temptingly idyllic Aegean islands still under state ownership, in a rush to keep bankruptcy at bay.”

It’s an interesting idea.

It’s also kind of funny that it comes from two right wing German politicians.

Now, I’m not saying that Greece didn’t make a mess of things but for German politicians to throw stones is a bit rich.

People in glass houses and all of that – or, to be less subtle about this: People who, not so long ago, celebrated a Kristall Nacht, before setting fire to the rest of Europe, should, perhaps, not be the first ones to suggest other countries have a fire sale.

I suppose we should be grateful that, this time round, these right wing politicians are prepared to pay money for these islands, instead of invading them, like they did in 1941.

Anyway, politicians of a country that gassed God knows how many million Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals and psychiatric patients, and that, after the war, received a hand-out of millions and millions of American dollars through the Marshall plan, should, quite frankly, shut the fuck up if another European country runs into a spot of financial bother.

(Ghosts of Nazis whispering eni meany miney moe - or something…)

(Woods: “Whatever possessed me…?!)

People love their superstitions. Whether it’s drinking blood before the altar of four-armed killer Goddesses or throwing salt over your shoulder at the dinner table, humankind has always embraced irrationality more fervently than Tiger Woods could ever hope to do with any of his mistresses.

This one is interesting though:

“A self-styled exorcist who believes woodland carries evil spirits has been arrested for attacking 100 trees next to the Eiffel tower. The 38-year-old hammered nails into branches and trunks, and painted graffiti on them. The unnamed man told officers that he was “trying to rid the trees of demon forces” before being taken into custody, pending psychiatric reports.”

Scoff, if you must but I think the guy is onto something. After all, nobody has ever accused lawyers of being anything but base and materialistic and even they admit that possession is nine-tenths of the law.

What’s more, we all know that woodland can indeed harbour and unleash demon forces.

I mean, God knows the Iraqi people would have welcomed the exorcism of a certain Bush…

(When Ronald met Adolf…)

People can be such idiots.

I mean, individually, sometimes, people can be charming, well-meaning and even intelligent. Place them in social groups, political parties, sport teams or work organisations and they, collectively, regress to the level of the stupidest, most mean-spirited, corrupt and aggressive persons among them.

Take the following bit of news, coming from New Zealand:

“Meals approved by Weight Watchers are going on sale at McDonald’s in New Zealand under a deal trumpeted as an enjoyable way to lose weight but that nutritionists criticise as a marketing ploy that doesn’t promote healthy eating. As part of the deal, which the company says is the first of its kind, McDonald’s will use the Weight Watchers logo on its menu boards and Weight Watchers will promote McDonald’s to dieters.”

We all know that McDonald’s is happy enough to deforest the planet and turn every child into a diabetic lard puppet, as long as they can make a few bucks on the way but what were Weight Watchers thinking…?

It’s like the RSPCA (or PETA) endorsing Hitler, because he was a vegetarian who loved dogs.

Ah well, people.

Like Jimmy Breslin wrote in his wonderful book, ‘I Want to Thank My Brain for remembering Me’:

“[It] takes absolutely nothing to go against public opinion because public opinion is wrong to hold and insane to herald because it is made of a choir of crickets.”

It’s like the man said:

“The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.”

However, there are many, many people who, very sadly, don’t believe in the literal truth of the Bible.

Who don’t believe, for instance, that the earth is only a few thousand years old.

That God planted all those fossils to test our faith (or, alternatively, that our forefathers Walked with the Dinosaurs the way modern man Dances with the Stars.)

That means that at least 99% of humanity will go to Hell. Which puts our earthly moaning about overpopulation somewhat in perspective – though I doubt that the foremost complaint of those who end up Down There will be that some other damned soul is standing on his or her toe.

Still, it’s an ill wind and all of that, ’cause the fact that so many of us will go down, down, down, means that the price of real estate Up There will be sheer Heaven. It will be a buyer’s market, baby!

Anyway, today I read an article that proved it is just plain silly not to believe in the truth of God’s Word.

You remember Moses and all the miracles that clung to him like barnacles to the Ark? From burning bushes, through parting seas to manna falling from Heaven?

Well, that kind of stuff is still happening today:

“A student sparked a forest fire that caused £30 million in damages in a Croatian park after he set fire to a thorny bush that kept pricking him on his way to college. Jure Erceg, a religious studies student, was jailed for 15 months after a court in Erceg, Croatia, heard that he started the blaze on Velebit mountain in 2007 to seek revenge on the bush.”

Here we really need another Bible passage:

“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

So, though we do recognize Jure Erceg’s good – nay holy – intentions, this is where we do separate the men from the boys. Or, in this case, the prophet from the student.

‘Cause when you want to do this Moses and the burning bush thing, a desert is a slightly better place to pick than one that’s in the middle of a 500 acres national park.

(Always popular: The burning Bush…)