Glob-a-log

So, it would seem that the tourist towns on both side of the English Channel have, in the nick of time, survived a very close shave indeed:

“Beaches along the English Channel have been reopened to swimmers amid reports that a suspected crocodile sighted close to busy beaches was in fact a piece of wood.”

Of course, if they’d used Ockham’s Razor, no journalist would ever have assumed that the Channel had suddenly started to channel the Nile, with its crocs dressed up as trees routine.

On the other hand, not many journalists (especially during the summer) are on speaking terms with the famous Barber of Ockham, even though his basic idea that ‘entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity’ could be the motto of every tabloid that ever boasted a pendulous pair of Page Three paps.

Ockham’s Principle – in a Razor for Dummies version: That, if something looks like a tree, swims like a tree and quacks like a tree, it might not necessarily mean that, Global Warming or not, we suddenly deal with a bloody crocodile – is but a slightly better dressed & educated relative of the Sun or Daily Mail and its insistence that it is simply calling a spade a spade.

Crocodiles sell more papers than trees, though.

In the same way that, if you run a tabloid, tits are bigger than sequoias.

The Sun: Putting the tit back into Titian…)

(Jawallaheh: For all bloody nutters…)

Interesting:

“One of the most prestigious figures in Scots law is calling on the country’s courts to take biblical teachings into account when administering justice. Former Conservative Cabinet member Lord Mackay of Clashfern, who served as Lord Chancellor under Margaret Thatcher and John Major as well as holding the post of Scotland’s Lord Advocate, is fronting a campaign which will see bibles sent to every court in the land.”

Yes, we do so need judges to get all Biblical in our court rooms. Wouldn’t the world be a much happier place if we all followed these simple laws from Leviticus 20: 9-16…?

[9] For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.
[10] And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
[11] And the man that lieth with his father’s wife hath uncovered his father’s nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
[12] And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.
[13] If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
[14] And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.
[15] And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.
[16] And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Et bloody cetera.

Of course, this newly reintroduced set of old laws would make it harder for the likes of Jerry Springer, Jeremy Kyle, the makers of Big brother and all of the tabloids to engage with the punters in any profitable way…

… but that would, indeed, be a small price to pay – and we could always show the executions live on TV, lest the feelings of the voyeuristic would be hurt in the evangelical process…

… though it would be a Hell of a lot easier if the good Lord Mackay of Clashfern simply moved to Saudi Arabia, where his religious soul brothers & ethical kinsmen dwell:

“A Saudi judge has asked several hospitals whether they would punitively damage a man’s spinal cord after he was convicted of attacking another man with a cleaver and paralysing him, local newspapers reported today. Saudi Arabia enforces strict sharia law and occasionally metes out punishments based on the ancient code of an eye for an eye.”

It’s such a pity that we, in the West, barring a few zealous Lords, don’t have this same moral rectitude.

Otherwise, we would repay the religious Saudi leaders in this same bloody coin, by subsidizing faith schools all over the world, that would teach millions of children how to make roadside bombs and suicide belts and send them on their way with a bit of travel money, a one-way ticket, a map of Saudi Arabia and the addresses of all Saudi royals, imams and judges…

… but we won’t, ’cause we are a bunch of infidels who don’t follow the laws of Allah (the Glorious and Exalted) and His Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) and simply refuse to accept that Islam is the only truly peaceful religion on earth.

(As Jesus said: The imbeciles will always be with us…)

Now, this is quite interesting:

“The oldest evidence of a fungus that turns ants into zombies and makes them stagger to their death has been uncovered by scientists. The gruesome hallmark of the fungus’s handiwork was found on the leaves of plants that grew in Messel, near Darmstadt in Germany 48m years ago.”

Of course, human beings don’t need a fungus (or any outside help, be it animal, vegetable, mineral or Scriptural) to behave like staggeringly stupid zombies – as the following story shows:

“Poll held before Ground Zero mosque furore finds 18% of people believe US president is Muslim, not Christian.”

Talking of stupid zombies – and Muslims:

“A Muslim woman who works as a hostess at a Disney-owned restaurant filed a discrimination complaint against the entertainment giant Wednesday, saying they have repeatedly sent her home without pay for refusing to remove her headscarf at work.”

It probably should leave me feeling confused and unsatisfied but I actually find it quite liberating – at times even exhilarating – that more and more news stories of a confrontational nature have me snorting in contempt for all the parties involved, which very much includes the journalists or TV talking heads who feel the need to feed us this pap…

… which is less wholesome, tasteful or ethically sourced than a Central Park hotdog at the tail-end of the Fourth of July (or a kebab at the fag-end of a Friday night pub crawl in Newcastle.)

The only question this sorry piece of journalistic fast food shite raised with me was if there was a Halal/Haram viewing list for Disney characters…

… or for working with them, since my other thought was that the litigious Imane Boudlal could simply have worn her headscarf under one of those mascots’ heads.

Back to that vexed question of kosher characters though.

Ducks are obviously okay but those three little pigs should be a big no-no.

Equally, Mickey’s faithful companion, Pluto, would be terribly Haram, dogs being unclean and all.

It’s harder to give a simple answer about the suitability of a Mickey suit (or mere head, if you don’t feel the need to go the full burqa.)

One simple Google search told me that you do have Halal mouse pads. On the other hand, the mighty Google also informed me that mouse paddies are decidedly Haram, so perhaps a good Muslim shouldn’t wear a Mickey head, whatever a certain Palestinian TV programme suggested…

… which could, on the other hand, explain how some, slightly less sophisticated Muslims might believe working for Disney would be the dream job for any true believer, wearing a headscarf – or a Kalashnikov:

O tempora, o mores – as Julius Caesar used to say each time his troops had been defeated by a village packed with doped-up Gauls:

“A new McDonald’s advert featuring Asterix enjoying a hamburger and fries has sparked outrage among French comic purists who claim the Gallic hero has surrendered to the American fast food chain.”

Is nothing sacred, then?

Will we see adverts featuring Mother Theresa playing a slot-machine in the latest Russian owned casino opening in Saint Tropez?

Will we have to grin and bear it through another televised UNICEF do, presented by a knickerless nitwit whose agent told her charity is the new sex tape?

Will we have to witness the Disney Company signing a contract with the Republican Party, offering to use the latest computer technology to slightly alter their old classic movies – so that we may see a sexily yet demurely drawn Sarah Palin as Snow White and a hagged-up Hilary offering her that famous poisoned apple?

What do you think?

What do I think?

Well, call me a cynical so-and-so but I’d say that the last paragraph of that article I quoted above gives us a pretty good idea where we are heading:

“[D]espite the country’s reputation as the birthplace of haute cuisine, the French have shown their love for the American chain with their stomachs: France is the company’s second-most profitable market after the United States. It is also the country where customers spend most money per visit.”

(How the mighty have fallen, indeed…)

This is for those who wonder where the expression ‘on a winning streak’ comes from:

“A British billionaire, Alki David, has offered $1 million to the first person who manages to streak naked in front of Barack Obama.”

For many though who want to strike it rich it’s a small step from lucky streak to tight squeeze:

“A suspected burglar was left dangling today when he got stuck as he tried to climb through a window. His legs were still dangling outside and it appeared his bottom had prevented the man from squeezing through completely.”

They say there are no atheists in foxholes. Christopher Hitchens might still disagree with that but loads of people, from serial streakers to bungling burglars, will, on occasion, have the urge to pray for divine intervention.

Though even that, these days, comes with more caveats than you have breakdancing angels on theological pins:

“An advert for an amulet which promised ‘divine protection’ has been banned by advertising bosses because the firm behind it could not prove that angels will protect those who wear it.”

Ah, how the mighty have fallen…:

“In July, one of the longest losing streaks in the history of culinary combat finally came to end. According to the Nielsen Company, 52-week dollar sales of packaged wheat bread topped those of white bread for the first time in U.S. Supermarkets.”

On the other hand, and talking of the end of another long losing streak, it’s not all bad news…

… for today we can announce that things can – and will – only get better in Afghanistan:

“In a wide-ranging, hour-long interview with The Washington Post, [General David Petraeus] said he sees incipient signs of progress in parts of the volatile south, in new initiatives to create community defense forces and in nascent steps to reintegrate low-level insurgents who want to stop fighting.”

Ah yes, my friends, the dance goes on and on…

Now in the Post there are two pretty pieces
There is one where Death comes to cry
With a lobby of Afghanistan salesmen
Made of trees where the doves go to die
There’s a piece of white bread torn from the morning
As it’s banned from the fridge and your plates

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws…

… or something. (Sorry about that, Leonard!)

Ladies and gentleman, a big hand please for the most astoundingly stupid question asked this Millennium…

… and no, it wasn’t young Levi Johnston asking Sarah Palin if it was okay for him to call her Mom again.

It’s this:

“American cinema is omnivorous. It has swallowed almost every subject from the trivial to great historical events, and then spewed them up. However, there is one subject it has refused to tackle directly: the bombing of Hiroshima and its consequences. As it is now 65 years since the horrific event, the omission seems even more astounding.”

Astounding?

Only if you have very, very bad taste – or the brain of a quail (senior or junior.)

Whatever you think about the decision to drop those two bombs on the civilian population of two large cities, to expect Hollywood to go all John Wayne about it, or give it an angst-y Woody Allen comedy make-over would be a bit much…

… or a bit like asking why the National Association of Catering Butchers don’t show a clip of the death of Bambi’s mother at their annual convention.

(Nope, not that one…)

Now, here’s a mildly interesting story for you:

“At precisely 13:13, a boy aged 13 was seen by the St John Ambulance team at Lowestoft Seafront Air Festival in Suffolk after he was struck by lightning, a spokesman said. The boy suffered a minor burn and was taken to James Paget Hospital, where he is expected to make a full recovery.”

Yes, that’s summer journalism for you: “Boy suffers minor burn”.

Still, it will strengthen all those silly superstitious folks in their belief that you should never leave the safety of your home on Friday the 13^th.

Though I’m prepared to pray for any sign that told us staying home would be anything but safe for the new owner of a certain London penthouse:

“A penthouse in one of London’s most opulent developments has sold for a record-breaking £140 million, as the market for “trophy homes” bucks the wider property slump.”

Paying that kind of money for a flat, while, for instance, twenty million people in Pakistan have joined the ever-rising numbers of the World Wide Homeless, is more than a bit tasteless…

… and I can’t help but think that it would be nice if there was some righteously smiting God to take offence at the drop of a sparrow. One’s Whose aim would be better, you hope, than that pathetic Friday the 13^th flash in the pan.

In yesterday’s column I was a bit rude about people believing in virgin births, Gods with elephant heads, et cetera…

… but earlier today, under the shower, I was thinking it was perfectly understandable that people believe in Gods.

Not so much because of the usual argument – you know the one: About early man not having much in the way of concrete knowledge, so that it was easy for him to interpret natural phenomena as supernatural…

… or because man was afraid of the vast emptiness and ultimate meaninglessness of the universe and felt the need to fill it with his stories, his bogeymen and his Gods…

… or because mankind is so incredibly self-centered that it couldn’t fail to create an all-powerful God in its image.

Valid reasons all, I guess but perhaps a bit needlessly abstract and cumbersome.

Maybe man made God because we always tend to come up with stupid answers to even vaguely complex or potentially embarrassing questions.

For instance, I just did a quick wooden shoes Google search and found the two most popular answers parents give to their children when the latter ask where babies come from.

In second place came the somewhat counterintuitive explanation that babies came from cauliflowers.

Which might be some typically Dutch obsession but in first place came that more traditional and internationally accepted theory: That babies were brought to their parents by storks.

There’s not much you can say about the cauliflower theory. Like virgin births and angels carrying Prophets to Heaven, there’s only so much science can do before it has to take a handful of digestion pills and go lie down for a bit…

… but storks delivering babies? At least there you can take the average weight of a baby, the musculature of a stork’s wings and the structural integrity of its beak…

… and treat the whole misconceived theory with the massive contempt it deserves.

Which is what I would have done anyway – until I read about the following, improbably uplifting story, featuring another bird that was definitely punching (or carrying) above its weight:

“Medics in Taiwan had to use a crane to lift an obese woman out of her flat.”

Okay, so I was wrong about that stork – as I might have underestimated the cauliflower.

I still draw the line at Gods though…

(Some storks are more welcome than others, of course…)

Now, here is something that had me nodding in grave agreement – someone who is not afraid to state the democratic emperor is wearing no clothes; someone, in effect, who says that the people are right stupid; who is talking about ’serious misrepresentations’

“that the public, often pretty gullible in these matters, is inclined to accept at face value.”

Indeed.

It made me think of all the snake oil salesmen that have conned that same public so successfully and greedily from that first serpentine apple vendor onward to the latest mad hatter Tea Party promoters on FOX News.

Our gullibility has made us believe in virgin born Saviours who turn water (and blood) into wine,

in Gods with elephant heads,

in prophets calling down child-eating bears,

in a saint defending a golden temple with his head in his hand,

in UFO based and Kabbalah For Dummies sects that have made themselves fishers of celebrities…

… and, to return to Christianity for a moment, in a religion that claims that the once and future Hitler Jugend leader of a world wide paedophile network is Christ’s replacement on the earth.

So, yes, it’s hard not to agree with that anonymous sage I quoted at the start of this post.

Humans can be fucking stupid – or ‘pretty gullible in these matters’, if you insist on being polite.

Which simple observation doesn’t become any less valid when we learn who, so hilariously inappropriately, made this claim…:

“Father Gerald O’Collins, author of over 50 books and professor of theology at the Gregorian University in Rome for over 30 years, will publish a book later this month taking on Pullman’s assertion, in his novel The Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ, that “this is a story”.

“Jesus is not in a position to correct misrepresentations, especially serious ones that the public, often pretty gullible in these matters, is inclined to accept at face value,” O’Collins [said.]”