People love their superstitions. Whether it’s drinking blood before the altar of four-armed killer Goddesses or throwing salt over your shoulder at the dinner table, humankind has always embraced irrationality more fervently than Tiger Woods could ever hope to do with any of his mistresses.
This one is interesting though:
“A self-styled exorcist who believeswoodland carries evil spirits has been arrested for attacking 100 trees next to the Eiffel tower. The 38-year-old hammered nails into branches and trunks, and painted graffiti on them. The unnamed man told officers that he was “trying to rid the trees of demon forces” before being taken into custody, pending psychiatric reports.”
Scoff, if you must but I think the guy is onto something. After all, nobody has ever accused lawyers of being anything but base and materialistic and even they admit that possession is nine-tenths of the law.
What’s more, we all know that woodland can indeed harbour and unleash demon forces.
I mean, God knows the Iraqi people would have welcomed the exorcism of a certain Bush…
“The thing that hath been,it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.”
However, there are many, many people who, very sadly, don’t believe in the literal truth of the Bible.
Who don’t believe, for instance, that the earth is only a few thousand years old.
That God planted all those fossils to test our faith (or, alternatively, that our forefathers Walked with the Dinosaurs the way modern man Dances with the Stars.)
That means that at least 99% of humanity will go to Hell. Which puts our earthly moaning about overpopulation somewhat in perspective – though I doubt that the foremost complaint of those who end up Down There will be that some other damned soul is standing on his or her toe.
Still, it’s an ill wind and all of that, ’cause the fact that so many of us will go down, down, down, means that the price of real estate Up There will be sheer Heaven. It will be a buyer’s market, baby!
Anyway, today I read an article that proved it is just plain silly not to believe in the truth of God’s Word.
You remember Moses and all the miracles that clung to him like barnacles to the Ark? From burning bushes, through parting seas to manna falling from Heaven?
Well, that kind of stuff is still happening today:
“A student sparked a forest fire that caused £30 million in damages in a Croatian park after he set fire to a thorny bush that kept pricking him on his way to college. Jure Erceg, a religious studies student, was jailed for 15 months after a court in Erceg, Croatia, heard that he started the blaze on Velebit mountain in 2007 to seek revenge on the bush.”
Here we really need another Bible passage:
“When I was a child,I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”
So, though we do recognize Jure Erceg’s good – nay holy – intentions, this is where we do separate the men from the boys. Or, in this case, the prophet from the student.
‘Cause when you want to do this Moses and the burning bush thing, a desert is a slightly better place to pick than one that’s in the middle of a 500 acres national park.
Also, to stick with death related matters, there was a woman whose life wassaved by her size-D breast implants, one of which caught the bullet of a semi-automatic assault rifle.
Then there were those two guys in Mozambique who were caught shagging a goat, whose owner now demands they do the honourable thing and staying in Africa and staying on (sex) topic, there was this school dorm in South Africa that was closed after areported outbreak of lesbianism.
So, Jesus, death and sex are doing just fine in the world’s Sunday papers, which hardly comes as a big surprise, but right now I can’t be bothered to comment on any of these stories.
Well, there was this one thought that sprang to my mind while I was reading a story about a guy who had seen the hand of God and wanted to shake it when he discovered that a picture of Jesus was the only thing to surviveafter his house burnt down.
The thought being that it was rather strange to bestow the epitaph of ‘Saviour’ on Someone who is quite happy to survive while everything around Him burns to a crisp.
Enough of that and enough of all these stories that take the sapiens out of homo sapiens. Time to put this (non)column to bed and to start cutting up the vegetables & herbs for what will, hopefully, become a glorious fish soup.
(Dawkins and Auden: Truly great minds never think alike…)
Okay, so, today, I almost decided not to write my daily post - for the first time in nearly two years…
… because, yesterday, I had to leave both Prague and my lady, to return to boring, rain-soaked Holland…
… but I quickly came to the conclusion that that would, even for me, take grandiose, self-indulgent solipsism to unacceptably toxic levels.
Not that I feel like writing much, mind you – let alone reading newspapers – but I do have something else for you. I arrived back here in Utrecht early in the evening, yesterday, which gave me time to wallow in self-pity and, when that became too boring to sustain for another pitiful minute, I sought and found some solace listening to a few pod-casts.
I ended up spending more than two hours listening to interviews – or rather: conversations – Clive James held with a number of writers, actors and philosophers.
So, since I’ve been boring everyone here with my personal Country & Western stories, the last few days, I thought it would only be fair to give you the chance to recover from those self-centred laments by listening to two of these interviews yourself. (Not that you have to restrict yourselves to those two: You can read and watch and listen to tonnes of stuff on his web site, HERE.)
You could start with these two, though.
In the first one James is talking with Richard Dawkins, about evolution, and how our creative capabilities might simply be a function of that process. They talk about language, monsters and Gods – it’s all good stuff
The second one is a discussion Clive James held with John Clarke about the poet W.H. Auden, which is really much fun, with lots of artistic quarrels and gossip, some good poems being read aloud and how the first world war changed the way a new generation of poets could actually write poetry (and the way the horrific crimes of the Nazi regime led Auden to the conclusion that poetry ‘makes nothing happen’.)
I’ve mentioned this before but I’m an agnostic. I think it’s silly to claim to know whether any God(s) exist(s) or not. You can’t prove either of those propositions, so I’d say the agnostic viewpoint is the only reasonable one.
Not that humans are very good at being reasonable – which is why we have people who are sure that God hates homosexuals, that He approves of blowing up people and, of course, people who get very cross if others even suggest that there might be more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in Richard Dawkins’s philosophy.
Me, I have no problem believing certain things. I’ve never been to Estonia, for instance but I believe the map doesn’t lie. I also never did lunch with Paris Hilton but I totally believe that would be a dreadful experience. I just don’t see the need to spend any time believing (or disbelieving) in God(s.)
Anyway, I was thinking of religion because of two newspaper articles that were both on the front page of today’s Guardian. To wit:
Now, it’s hard not to conclude that, if there is a God, He, She or It doesn’t give much of a Goddamn about what happens here below. According to the Bible God watches every sparrow fall – and perhaps the Good Book knows what it’s talking about: Watching seems to be all that God does. Intervention, as in “Let’s save that poor little bird from breaking its neck”, isn’t really His thing.
Hence a train crash here, a £56m jackpot there – it’s all the same to the Supreme Upper Being, you would almost be forced to conclude. (Though you can’t go as far as to accuse God of sarcasm; He didn’t put those two winners on that Belgian train, after all.)
Ah well, enough of all that.
I did mention Estonia though, a bit earlier in this rambling post and that brings us back to things you can believe in, as the following news article in the Telegraph shows.
That is, for at least 588 years quite a lot of people have put their faith in the healing powers of a certain almond based product.
“A pharmacy in the Estonian capital promises a cure for broken hearts:an almond-based concoction that’s been around since medieval times. “Since the Middle Ages a special marzipan prescription has been prepared and sold here for the heart to relieve the pain of love,” said Ulle Noodapera, a pharmacist at the Raeapteek drug store which first opened for business in Tallinn’s old town square in 1422. It is believed to be Europe’s oldest pharmacy, and has been in operation for 588 years.”
Yes, a marzepan God would be One I could go for – especially if we can keep that quaint cannibalistic Christian ritual; the one with the ‘Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you’ bit.
Me, I’m all for tolerance, though I have to admit that I would like anyone who plans – or even condones the idea of – suicide attacks to take his or her explosives to some desert and do as many practice runs as it takes to perfect their technique.
It’s a bit like that trope about a tree falling in the forest with nobody to witness it. In other words, if a trainee terrorist blows him or her self up in the desert with no-one around, does it count as a true martyresque act?
To which the only reasonable answer would be: Who gives a fuck?
Anyway, people who read this blog on a regular basis know that I have very little patience with religious nutters, be they of the Christian, Muslim, Scientologist or any other brand.
So, anyone who opposes fundamentalist attitudes and sings the praises of tolerance would normally have my sympathy.
Though I’m not so sure about this one:
“Muslim fundamentalists should “learn how to drink wine”because it would make them more tolerant, according to a philosopher. Roger Scruton, 65, urged “lunatic fundamentalists who have set their heart on giving Islam a bad name” to imbibe, although it is considered against their religion, claiming it would help them to a more moderate view.”
As I said, I have my doubts.
I mean, look at any English town, just after closing time. You can say a lot of things about the hordes of brainless oiks who take their vomiting, fighting and raping business to the street but ‘more tolerant’ would probably not be the term you would use.
So, thanks but no thanks. I don’t think the world is quite ready for an army of suicidal drunks, sporting Millwall and Bin Laden tattoos.
Today, I have two vaguely related stories for you – and we will move from absurd comedy to unintended satire…
… helped by two protagonists with sex on the brain…
… and who are both quite willing to let their feelings be known in both an unrepressed and quite maniacally agressive manner.
First, there’s this story of a New Zealand kakapo parrot:
“The New Zealand prime minister has given the country’smost famous parrot a job in his government, it has emerged. An endangered kakapo parrot, named Sirocco, which rose to fame last year after it attempted to mate with the head of Mark Carwardine, the wildlife presenter, during the BBC’s ‘Last Chance to See’ series, has been appointed by John Key as the world’s first “spokesbird for conservation”. “
It’s kind of cool to have an avian sex addict as a spokesbird of anything – though one feels it would feel more at home as spokesbird of Playboy. It would be interesting to see what the parrot would do to Hefner’s head (or to that bunny, come to think of it.)
Anyway, let’s leave the parrot and move on to the second story, in which an old guy that dresses up like a bird is also making the news - again… - ranting about his favourite obsession: The things that other people do in the privacy of their bedrooms.
Though I, for one, would prefer to be fucked by a parrot than listen to the hateful homelies of Herr Ratzinger:
“Benedict XVI says legislation safeguarding rights of same-sex couples violates ‘natural law’. Pope Benedict XVI has condemned British equality legislation for running contrary to “natural law” as he confirmed his first visit to the UK later this year.”
To which the only sane reply would be to tell him to – quite litterally – mind his own fucking business.
(Of course, this would be funnier if the Norwegian Blue had been a Papal White but you can’t have it all…)
Sometimes, it’s hard to be a Muslim. I mean, look at the state of the world. When the IRA was bombing the shit out of England and knee-capping God knows how many of their own country men, did the international airlines start to strip search priests and nuns? Did the police stop & search anyone wearing a crucifix?
No, they did not – even though the IRA was much better at this whole bombing business than those demented Muslim ‘martyrs’, who would be much better off if they joined some self harm group instead.
Still, because of some imbeciles who set fire to their own shoes and underwear, all Muslims are now treated as potentially rabid dogs. Which ain’t very nice.
From Muslims now to Jews though. So, if it is, at times, hard to be a Muslim, it’s always hard to be a Jew. The writer Dan Simmons once told a story about how he and a few colleages, in 2000, were asked to write a SF story that had to be set in the year 3000.
Now, predicting what will happen in the next ten years or so is tough enough but speculating about stuff a thousand years from now is sheer madness.
Until, as Simmons wrote, he realized that, however vast the oceans of times between now and any possible then, there would always be people who would want to kill all the Jews.
Anyway, you know all of that – and I wouldn’t have brought it up if I hadn’t come upon a news story that, once again, proved that life always lands Muslims and Jews with their peanut butter side on the floor.
Here it is:
“Eating pork is at least as effective as popping a Viagra pill to spice up your romantic life, according to Argentine President Cristina Kirchner, who claims to have tested the theory. “Pork consumption improves sexual activity,” Mrs Kirchner informed a gathering of business people at a meeting at the presidential palace. “This is not a small detail,” she said at the gathering to announce a reduction in the price of pork. “Besides, some nicely grilled pork is much more gratifying than taking Viagra.”
I’ve said it quite a few times before but the way so many people live in the West is totally disgusting. We are burning up the earth’s natural resources and stuff our collective faces, while a good proportion of the rest of the world’s population starves.
There is an ironic side to this, of course. Thanks to our revolting eating habits, a large percentage of the West’s popultion is now morbidly obese, which means there are now about as many people dying from overweight related heart diseases, diabetes and cancers in the West as there are people dying during your average famine in Ethiopia.
Talking of morbidly obese, by the way, the following story in the Telegraph had me snigger like a fat man who’s been given the Keys to the Kingdom of McDonald’s:
“A report by Tunbridge Wells Borough Council has found an increasing number of cases where bodies will not fit properly in furnaces at Kent and Sussex Crematorium. At present bodies which are too big to be dealt with have to be transported to larger crematoria which can accommodate them in south London or Sittingbourne. But the council is now considering charging more for cremations involving bigger coffins to help pay for improvements costing up to £1.7million.”
There’s something so right about this, and so elegant too.
I mean, we already have airlines charging fat folks extra to take them close to Heaven – and now these same people have to pay a tax in order to get a taste of what might await them when they end up at the other side of that Biblical equation.
As divine statements go, this one sure beats the crap out of the old ‘And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God’ routine
No news stories today: just another one of those Thought For The Day posts. Here goes:
It’s kind of fun to spend some of your spare time thinking about religion. It doesn’t matter which particular faith you decide to focus on at any given time. All of them come with enough weird shit to keep you happily ruminating for as long as you please.
Take this thought, for instance. What if the Romans had preferred to hang slaves instead of crucify them? Sure, the death of Jesus would then have been less of a spectacle – and, much worse, we would never have got to see the Pythons sing ‘Always look on the bright side of death’ in The Life of Brian.
Still, it would have been quite something if all over the Christian world, in all its cemeteries, there would have been these little gallows hovering over all those graves.
