Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Stephen King’s taxing poetry (or: The boy stood on the burning dick*…?!)

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

My Quote Of The Day – or quote of the week or quote of the decennium…

… brought through you through a Guardian article that linked to The Daily Beast, where Stephen King wrote this:

‘I’ve known rich people, and why not, since I’m one of them? The majority would rather douse their dicks with lighter fluid, strike a match, and dance around singing “Disco Inferno” than pay one more cent in taxes to Uncle Sugar.’

 

*The boy stood on the burning deck: Whence all but he had fled (et cetera, et cetera…)

Springtime For Rapists In Egypt

Thursday, April 26th, 2012

(… and then they have the gall to freak out over some cartoons…?!)

Whither the Arab Spring, you might well ask.

Or not.

So, far, it’s not so much Springtime For Hitler as a Rapists’ Charter.

I mean, who needs consent when you have some mad Mullahs on your side?

So, you want to have sex with 14 years’ old girls? That’s cool with Allah.

Sex with your dead wife? Not a problem:

‘Egypt’s National Council for Women (NCW) has appealed to the Islamist-dominated parliament not to approve two controversial laws on the minimum age of marriage [of 14] and allowing a husband to have sex with his dead wife within six hours of her death according to a report in an Egyptian newspaper.’

There have been enough folks who complained that the statement that Muslim men hate women was an exaggeration but it’s hard to see how it could be.

Or at least hard for those who don’t think Hitler had a downer on Jews and reports of the Holocaust were greatly exaggerated.

(…like this one…)

From shoe to shining shoe

Tuesday, April 24th, 2012

As the USA (according to many internet commenters) are a lackey of Israel, so England is widely considered to be America’s lapdog dancer.

You could even say they share the same kind of national ditties:

‘O beautiful for specious lies,
For never running trains,
For Health and Safety lunacies
Against the common grain!

Britanica! Britanica!
God shed His grace on thee.
And bless thy war on terrorists
From creed to hollow creed’

Anyway, ever wondered where the term ‘shoe string budget’ came from?

Consider yourself unwondered…:

‘The British taxpayer has paid for a new home and funded the business interests of hoe bomber Saajid Muhammad Badatafter he agreed to turn supergrass against al-Qaeda in a secret deal with the authorities’

Geert Wilders, Jean-Marie Le Pen and Josef Fritzl (or: Cellars and bath plugs)

Monday, April 23rd, 2012

(Le creep’s a freak…)

Right. So, where to start?

Well, perhaps in my own country, the Netherlands, where Geert ‘Le Freak’ Wilders has pulled the plug on the Dutch government – of which he was not officially part.

Yeah, only in Holland.

Mind you, this being Holland, I can see Wilders now in the role of the anti-Brinkers…

… someone not putting fingers into dykes but a selfish little brat who pulls out the bath plug, emptying the bath of the tepid soiled suds in which he and his little right wing friends had been playing and making all kinds of obnoxious waves.

Yes, not a perfectly organized metaphor but I can’t be arsed to put on my metaphoring cap for this lot.

Anyway, enough of Wilders and those other muppets.

Over to France, where Le Petit Dégénéré Sarkozy is fighting for his presidential life…

… and here’s France’s Front National’s former chapon di tutti chaponi, Jean-Marie Le Pen, reacting to his daughter winning 20% of the French vote during the first round of the presidential election…:

‘I am very proud of my daughter. Not only did I make her, I also chose her.’

… stopping just about short from doing a full Fritzl and describing what he did with her in his Hitler-themed cellar.

Which does have me wishing fervently that Geert Wilders doesn’t have daughters – or a cellar…

A truly riotous assembly (with fairy penguins, Zulu cooks and rubber chickens all the way)

Sunday, April 22nd, 2012

Once upon a time, the English author Tom Sharpe got kicked out of Apartheid era South Africa.

This might have had something to do with the fact that one of his early novels featured a white S.A. woman who killed her Zulu cook with whom she had had a long and highly satisfactory sexual relationship, based on his enthusiastic consent to wear a rubber tutu…

… all of which information may not be strictly relevant to the following newspaper story, which is, nonetheless, mildly intriguing…:

‘Three men have been arrested after breaking into a Queensland Sea World to swim with the dolphins and steal a fairy penguin.’

Freddy Mercury would have been so proud…

Though God knows what these guys needed a fairy penguin for – having already swum with the dolphins.

What can you do with fairy penguins?

- Make a fairy penguin cake?
- Set them on fire and put them in your Christmas tree?
- Have them wear a kinky suit and serve drinks at a Village People theme party?

Well, whatever it was (and whatever the fairy penguin made of it) it can not have been a fate worse than that of the above mentioned Zulu cook…

… or the below-mentioned chicken:

‘Students from Bishop, California sent their rubber chicken 120,000 ft into the sky to test radiation from last month’s solar storm.’

Worst pun ever: I bet the rubber chicken had a cow…)

No more sodding Spanish Smurfs: It’s Indy time, with Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd and Lara Croft to England’s rescue!

Friday, April 20th, 2012

(Matches made in Heaven…)

You know, it’s only yesterday that I was talking about the world economy, and Smurfs, and waterboarding Barbie dolls, and Sarah Palin turning into the Hulk*

… and today, this:

‘A rich businessman’s plans to build a 50ft-high Islamic tomb on his green belt land has enraged neighbours who say the domed mausoleum will be a blot on the landscape in their affluent village.’

Yes, if a Spanish village can make some extra cash by painting their village a lovely Smurf blue, I can’t see why the English economy could not profit from a similar scheme…

… and that’s where a 50ft-high Islamic tomb comes in very handy indeed…

… ’cause I’m quite sure millions of tourists will come a-flocking to Pentwyn Farm, in Lisvane, near Cardiff, to have a goggle at the new Indiana Jones movie that will soon be shot there…

 … and to catch a glimpse of Indy, when he breaks into this lard-arsed tomb**.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Cardiff Skull has a nice ring to it***.

 

*Well, Palin country turning into a Hulk theme park – possibly…
** Or double your blockbuster creds and do another Connery: Enter Angelina Jolie, as Indy’s little sister Lara
*** Indiana Jones and the Latest Crusade would probably not be a great idea, PR-wise****
**** Though it would be great to see Mssrs. Bush & Blair in a walk-on part*****
***** Think Bond’s Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd:

(A match made in… – well, more like that old saying, ‘Taking matches to Hell’…)

Obama goes Smurf (while Palin gets pounded by the Hulk)

Thursday, April 19th, 2012

Recession, reschmession – or, as Peyo would have had it originally, reschtroumpfsion:

‘A Spanish village has had a dramatic rise in tourism since it was painted blue last year for the making of a Smurfs film’

It’s one way to beat a recession, obviously. A rather disgusting one at that but Eurobeggars can’t be too choosy, it would seem.

Not that the US of A is doing much better – so, if Obama wants to make sure that he’ll get reelected come November, he may have to do a bit more than bailing out banks and buying up the auto industry.

Call it the Colour Scheme…

… in which the president announces that

-the Grand Canyon will be painted gold to make tourists more at home in the new McDonald’s Canyon Pounder Theme Park
-the Statue of Liberty will be painted pink to raise publicity for the new Barbie Freedom Doll*
-the State of Alaska will be painted green, hoping** this will see a dramatic rise in tourism with millions of people wanting to check out the place of self-sought exile of the Hulk

 

*With Homeland Surfin’ Ken And His Waterboard accessories
**Hoping also that this will piss off Sarah Palin mightily

The happy clap & claptrap crap trap: The final free for all is here…!

Saturday, April 14th, 2012

(Those living in evil & immoral glass houses should not throw the first stone…)

I know we’re supposed to react to this with vein-popping indignation, shredding our newspapers (or go frisbeeing with our iPads) and harrumphing like a Tory peer caught with his dick stuck inside a crumpet toaster but…

… well, I kind of like this story – and all that it implies:

‘A university Vice-Chancellor is planning to ban the sale of alcohol in parts of the campus because some Muslim students believe it is “evil” and “immoral”.’

I mean, I’m happy to declare some parts of any campus, work or public place an alcohol free zone, if that helps our Muslim brothers and sisters to isolate & protect themselves from our wickedness…

… but, of course, only if that means that there will be as many designated zones where Muslims, Christians and what have you won’t be allowed to insult my sensitivities by contaminating the agnostic atmosphere with their claptrap.

(…though I admit it’s hard to go all out in defence of the ‘Fight for your right to party’ crowd…)

Let’s do the time warp with Charlie Brooker & The Republicans

Friday, April 13th, 2012

(… but we ordered WHITE chocolate…!!!)

Ten days or so ago, I thought I had come up with the perfect campaign song for Mitt Romney.

It still is that, I think but I guess part of the lyrics – Hell, the whole of the beginning of the song could have been written for the whole damn Republican party:

Candidates:

It’s astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll.
But listen closely…

 

Media (lame stream & Fucks News):

Not for very much longer.

 

Candidate:

I’ve got to keep control.
I remember doing the time-warp
Drinking those moments when
The Blackness would hit me

 

Party head quarters:

And the void would be calling…

 

Tea Party activists:

Let’s do the time-warp again.
Let’s do the time-warp again.

 

So, this from a Charlie Brooker column, written in November, 2008:

‘And pitched against [Obama], the Republican campaign, which was so nakedly horrible it could only have been orchestrated by Skeletor. Nudge-wink comments about “the real America”, underhand attempts to link Obama with terrorism, automated robo-calls whispering desperate fibs into the ears of voters … if Obama’s grandmother had died while he was at her bedside in Hawaii, they’d have erected billboards claiming he couldn’t be trusted around white women.’

In other words (and a language) not much spoken by the Elephant men: Plus ça change…

The Great Satan ain’t exactly Made in the USA

Thursday, April 12th, 2012

(Miss Piggy? How many divisions has she got…?)

America bashing is a great and cheap and healthy bit of fun for all the family – and God knows, Americans do make it easy on their many critics…:

- ‘You’re not gonna use the pink ball’
- Duh: ‘A certain amount of brain atrophy is expected’
- ‘ “I Believe You Zimmerman” beer mugs’*
- ‘…because the bride was dying of cancer’
- ‘Disney has aligned itself with an obscure Miami gay porn producer’

Still, Americans can choose (not) to vote for Santorum. Russians don’t get much of a say about how long Putin will stay in the Kremlin or when he will officially change his name to Romanov.

Over in China, brain damage isn’t the only thing you suffer if you choose to believe in anything but the state’s stale orthodoxy. Go ask any member of the Falun Gong – or any Tibetan monk, if you can still find some who haven’t ignited yet.

Granted, in the US of A, there’s still racism but we’re not exactly talking Rwanda or Sudan…

… and if, in the States, there are even more cases of ‘because I’m worth it’ narcissism than racism and if quite a few American brides can go slightly Bridezilla, at least they don’t get their noses cut off if they even look at other men than their prospective husbands, stoned to death or married off to whomever raped her – as happens quite a bit in various places all over our planet, where the Peaceful Religion has become the Rapists’ Charter for every little psychopath with Mad Mullah Syndrome…

… and as for gay porn producers being embraced by the Mighty Mouse? Hey, like the man said: “In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I don’t know who has told you we have that.”

So, all in all, for all their occasional madness, crimes and ludicrous behaviour, the United States are really not the world’s Big Satan.

They don’t even come close.

Why I’m all Oprah and Sharing This With You?

Well, no special reason. A few days back, I was looking for a Leonard Cohen drawing that I wanted for another blog post, when I saw the one below. I couldn’t use it for that day’s column but it stayed with me anyhow – and here it is:

 

 

*Dylan must be so pleased!



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