Glob-a-log

Leave it to Guardian columnist Charlie Brooker to have us sobbing into our chips, while contemplating the tricky nature of time (’The King of Things’) and channelling the ghost of Kurt ’so it goes’ Vonnegut and the Tralfamadorians.

So, yes, here’s a short quote from yet another one of his brilliant columns. Go and read it immediately after you’re done here:

“Still, it’s easy to picture a collapsing bridge. Picturing a collapsing environment is trickier. Hollywood has tried its best, but all I learned from sitting through The Day After Tomorrow is that, contrary to my previous expectations, the end of the world might be boring.”

More excerpts from the Gospel according to C.B.:

- Time will outlive you, your offspring, your offspring’s robots and your offspring’s robots’ springs.

- Perhaps joggers have a few additional Tralfamadorian synapses; only by experimenting on their brains can we be sure.

- [T]he closest thing we have [to Tralfamadorian grey matter] is LSD, which must be pumped into the water supply as a matter of urgency.

So, perhaps, if we have worlds enough and time, we could pump LSD into a statistically significant sample of joggers and then experiment on their brains?

Though that might be a waste of LSD and a good experiment.

I’d rather go for another test group. It might not be good science (since the group is, despite its claim of the opposite, anything but representative) but I’d love to have LSD pumped into the chambers of the European parliament, the House of Lords, the Kremlin, the Knesset, the House & Senate and everywhere else where politicians gather to enrich themselves and fuck with us.

If I could see that happen during my life time I would not give one self-pitying squeak when that King of Things would come for me but go gentle (and grinning like mad) into that good night.

Bleh! That’s such a toss of terrible tripe - So, let’s end with this one:

(Yes, much much better…!)

Now, this is a truly inspired idea:

“The Spanish practice of napping in the afternoon should be declared a protected art form, Madrid’s conservative government has been told. lt comes following the announcement earlier this month by Esperanza Aguirre, the President of the conservative regional government in Madrid, that the bullfight was to be included on the list of items of “special cultural value” that were protected by law.”

Like I said, brilliant…

… but no more than a good start.

I can see other countries following this example.

Like Germany demanding that ‘Invading Poland’ should be put on that list – or France insisting that short megalomanic leaders should be recognized as having special cultural value.

England could then put their football hooligans on the list, Scotland their pregnant teenagers and Kindergarten glue heads; North Ireland could enter knee-capping and Wales… Well, damned if I know what Wales could put on the list – though the rest of the UK could put ‘putting up with Wales’ on it, I suppose.

As for my own country…? Well, we’re spoilt for choice, really.

We’ve got Endemol and Edam, silver skates and skunk, windmills and Wilders…

Ah yes, and then to think there are still people who say the European Union is a complete waste of time.

(Now, this one really should be on that list…)

(Nothing to do with anything really but that suits the Silly Sunday Leitmotiv…)

Okay, it’s Sunday. The sun is shining (somewhere behind these bloody clouds anyway) and I’m so not in the mood to read any newspapers today.

So, let’s have some fun instead…

… and let’s start with some very weird video clip indeed:

Trololololololo (Russian torch & torture song…)

I’ve got more where that one came from – and you’d never guess where it did come from, so I’ll tell you.

Chances are none of you here have ever heard of the so-called MBM reports in the Guardian. MBM stands for Minute By Minute (report) and that’s what it is: One reporter with a TV who gives live bloggy comments on football matches (and sometimes cricket or even tennis matches.)

It’s mostly tongue in cheek (if it’s not all out sarcastic) and readers are always cordially invited to send their e-mails (and routinely insulted when they do.)

Sometimes, the reporter (or one of the readers) starts a riff about something or the other – preferably about something that has nothing at all to do with the match being played.

So, a few days ago, readers sent in links of weird & disturbing video clips – and they really came up with some beauties, like this one:

Salad fingers

Scary shit.

Less spooky but no less weird was this one. Not exactly a Teddy bears’ picnic but then again, if you cut down all their woods, those bears don’t have any place left to have picnics – or to shit…

… and then whose fault is it when they come to our cities and misbehave?

Here’s that clip:

Bears & Cars & Stuff

Okay, enough with the clips already, for now – though I will stick with the weird, if you don’t mind…

… so we will leave the bears to do whatever else they want to do…

… and move on to toads.

Yes, toads – and dead poets, and spendthrift Hull City Councillors:

”In a novel way to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the death of the poet Philip Larkin, a council is to spend £200,000 on 65 giant fibreglass toads. The oversized amphibians will be displayed at locations around Hull for 10 weeks later this year. According to Hull City Council documents, “This project is designed to spark interest in Larkin’s poetry among people who are made curious by the unexpected presence of their local ‘toad’.” The move is intended to honour Larkin’s two poems, Toads and Toads Revisited.”

(Here are those poems, by the way, if you care about that kind of stuff: Toads & Toads Revisited)

Okay, one last clip, before I go – another Salad Fingers episode. Enjoy:

Shore Leave

(There are worse things than being a one horse town…)

I’m sure there will be people who will condemn the actions by the town officials of Topeka (Kansas) as a cheap stunt – or the shoddiest sell-out this side of a certain mess of pottage.

Let me state firmly though that I’m not one of those nay-sayers.

I think it’s a brilliant idea. So, my best wishes to The Town Formerly Known As Topeka:

“An American city, Topeka, has renamed itself “Google” for a month, as it bids for the chance to host the search engine’s new high-speed broadband network.”

As I said, a brilliant scheme…

… and one I plan to emulate.

So, for fairly obvious reasons, I will change my name to Brad Pitt…

… trusting that this will lead to a high-speed connection with Angelina.

(If you want another kind of love, I’ll change my name for you…)

(INCOMING: I just found this clip - Dance me to the end of love, indeed.)

(Only their mothers could tell them apart…)

I’ve got Leonard Cohen on my brain – again…

I don’t know why – maybe it was something I read about the Chilcot inquiry: That lukewarm affair that was supposed to take a close & stern look at all the snake oil merchants, misfits and weathervanes who bungled & lied us into the Iraq war. Or maybe it was something else entirely: So many stupid news stories, so little time

Anyway, this morning, coming out of bed, I was humming Cohen’s song ‘The Future’. (Yes, I know, ‘Closing Time’ might have been more appropriate but my sleepy brain was insisting on the former…

… and just before I started to write this (after reading yet another silly news story in the Telegraph) I was quietly singing (and searching for the words of) one of the master’s much older songs, ‘Nancy’:

It seems so long ago

Nancy was alone,

looking at the late late show

through a semi-precious stone.

In the house of honesty

her father was on trial”

Okay, Nancy was Reagan’s wife, not Bush’s (or Blair’s) daughter – but it’s nice to think about an alternative world where George & Tony would rant crazily about ghosts at the banquet, shouting ‘Iraq has murdered sleep!’, before a world wide walking forest worth of editorials would have seen them arrested and brought before the International Court of Justice.

Well, even the smallest pebble can dream of the fall of mountains – though I admit that the above scenario is about as likely to come to a theatre near you as it would be for Bush & Blair to do a John Belushi at a press conference, shouting ‘YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST… WE HAVE SEEN THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!”

Ah well, that was in another country and besides, James Brown is dead.

Anyway, talking of weapons of mass destruction – and that news article that had my head playing haunted house to Leonard’s ghost…

… as assault weapons go, it’s perhaps not quite up there with those famed Weapons of Mass Destruction but this one, at least, was quite real…

… and pretty personal…

… and damn well up close too:

“An American woman has been charged with third-degree assault after she squirted breast milk in the face of a female police officer. Toni Tramel, from Kentucky, had been arrested for public intoxication and was changing into her prison uniform when the incident allegedly occurred. She reportedly squirted milk straight from her breast into the face of a female deputy.”

It won’t be long now before the British people will decide which one of their political parties they loathe marginally less than the others – which won’t be easy, since all of them are about as charming as a horde of drunken Millwall hooligans on pit-bull parade duty.

That’s the price you have to pay though, when you live in a democracy. You’re actually expected to vote for one lying shithead or the other. Which is still marginally better than living in North Korea, where there’s just the one sleeze beak (who wouldn’t recognize a voting booth if it kicked him in the balls) but not by all that much.

Anyway, even before the electorate has had a chance to do so, science has already spoken, by way of some neuroscientist at Bangor University:

“David Cameron’s body language has been deemed more attractive to voters than that of Gordon Brown.”

Which would seem to spell big trouble for the Beloved Leader, since:

“[A]ccording to psychologists, the words spoken by politicians are less important than their body language.”

I’m sure that that is true.

Even the most simple-minded floating voter knows that a politician’s word is worth as much as the Zimbabwean dollar. Or, to stay closer at home, even the most dim-witted inhabitant of the most cerebrally challenged Big Brother house could tell you that your average politician is as dependable as British Airway’s Terminal 5.

So, as a voter you might as well put your faith in body language.

Which does indeed spell trouble for Gordon (Saviour of the Universe) Brown. Not that Cameron is that much shakes in the body language department. He would have serious trouble out-charming even the most shallow shadow puppet on a cloudy day…

… but being as alluring as the love child of Christopher Walken and Kathy Bates is hardly a handicap if Gordon Brown is your opponent…

… the latter having the charm of chlamydia, the wit of a Great White and the body language of a schizophrenic cement mixer with Tourette’s.

(Gordon & David: Let me hear your body talk - and hand me that barf bag…)

(From left to right: Germany, France, Belgium, England and Greece…?)

Yesterday, we learned that two German right wing politicians had suggested Greece should sell some of their islands and national treasures in order to get out of the red. Which led me to write THIS ‘Modest Proposal’ POST.

So, today, we have this, let’s hope final solution, from a German tabloid, called Bild:

“A German tabloid has advised Greeks to adopt a more Germanic work ethic – by rising earlier and working harder – in order to solve the country’s financial crisis.”

It would be a very cheap shot to suggest that if the Germans would have had a more laid back, Mediterranean attitude, the 20^th century might not have been host to two world wars, so I won’t go there.

Still, I’m not sure Europe could handle two countries with a Teutonic mindset – let alone two countries with odious tabloids like Bild.

So, let’s all of us just stick to what we know. Which means Germany being a country, which citizens, even when on holiday, rise early in order to annex bath chairs by strategically covering them with ‘Anschluss’ towels.

Where Greek students stone policemen – and where the Dutch get stoned (and get the munchies for weird Islamophobic politicians with even weirder hairdos.)

Where the French are at war with the English language and the English are at war with the whole idea of Europe.

Et cetera, et cetera.

God knows Europe ain’t perfect but it’s home. Home to a very dysfunctional family, I grant you but still the only place we have – which is why our occasional family dinners really don’t need one obnoxiously wealthy & obese family member with a highly dubious past be-lecturing one of the poorer relatives over port.

(Europe: Still ‘giving love in a family dose’ - of the clap…)

(Then and now: Spot the differences…)

Remember Jonathan Swift and his ‘Modest Proposal’?

We now have an update for that, with a newly revised subtitle too:

“For Preventing The Citizens of Poor Greece From Being Aburden to The European Tax Payer, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public”

Here’s today’s Modest Proposal, as reported in the Guardian:

Greece must consider a fire sale of land, historic buildings and art works to cut its debts, two rightwing German politicians said today in a newspaper interview that is bound to exacerbate tensions between Athens and Berlin. The Acropolis and the Parthenon could also fall under the hammer, along with temptingly idyllic Aegean islands still under state ownership, in a rush to keep bankruptcy at bay.”

It’s an interesting idea.

It’s also kind of funny that it comes from two right wing German politicians.

Now, I’m not saying that Greece didn’t make a mess of things but for German politicians to throw stones is a bit rich.

People in glass houses and all of that – or, to be less subtle about this: People who, not so long ago, celebrated a Kristall Nacht, before setting fire to the rest of Europe, should, perhaps, not be the first ones to suggest other countries have a fire sale.

I suppose we should be grateful that, this time round, these right wing politicians are prepared to pay money for these islands, instead of invading them, like they did in 1941.

Anyway, politicians of a country that gassed God knows how many million Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals and psychiatric patients, and that, after the war, received a hand-out of millions and millions of American dollars through the Marshall plan, should, quite frankly, shut the fuck up if another European country runs into a spot of financial bother.

(Ghosts of Nazis whispering eni meany miney moe - or something…)

(Woods: “Whatever possessed me…?!)

People love their superstitions. Whether it’s drinking blood before the altar of four-armed killer Goddesses or throwing salt over your shoulder at the dinner table, humankind has always embraced irrationality more fervently than Tiger Woods could ever hope to do with any of his mistresses.

This one is interesting though:

“A self-styled exorcist who believes woodland carries evil spirits has been arrested for attacking 100 trees next to the Eiffel tower. The 38-year-old hammered nails into branches and trunks, and painted graffiti on them. The unnamed man told officers that he was “trying to rid the trees of demon forces” before being taken into custody, pending psychiatric reports.”

Scoff, if you must but I think the guy is onto something. After all, nobody has ever accused lawyers of being anything but base and materialistic and even they admit that possession is nine-tenths of the law.

What’s more, we all know that woodland can indeed harbour and unleash demon forces.

I mean, God knows the Iraqi people would have welcomed the exorcism of a certain Bush…

(When Ronald met Adolf…)

People can be such idiots.

I mean, individually, sometimes, people can be charming, well-meaning and even intelligent. Place them in social groups, political parties, sport teams or work organisations and they, collectively, regress to the level of the stupidest, most mean-spirited, corrupt and aggressive persons among them.

Take the following bit of news, coming from New Zealand:

“Meals approved by Weight Watchers are going on sale at McDonald’s in New Zealand under a deal trumpeted as an enjoyable way to lose weight but that nutritionists criticise as a marketing ploy that doesn’t promote healthy eating. As part of the deal, which the company says is the first of its kind, McDonald’s will use the Weight Watchers logo on its menu boards and Weight Watchers will promote McDonald’s to dieters.”

We all know that McDonald’s is happy enough to deforest the planet and turn every child into a diabetic lard puppet, as long as they can make a few bucks on the way but what were Weight Watchers thinking…?

It’s like the RSPCA (or PETA) endorsing Hitler, because he was a vegetarian who loved dogs.

Ah well, people.

Like Jimmy Breslin wrote in his wonderful book, ‘I Want to Thank My Brain for remembering Me’:

“[It] takes absolutely nothing to go against public opinion because public opinion is wrong to hold and insane to herald because it is made of a choir of crickets.”