Glob-a-log

A few days ago, I was in a slightly melancholic mood (plus, I was bored) so, I translated a Rilke poem from his ‘Sonette an Orpheus’ into English. Here goes:

Quiet friend of countless distances, feel

how your breath enlarges this room.

Ring through the wood of sombre belfries.

What drains you will sustain your strength.

Travel the roads that lead to transformation.

What is your most hurtful experience?

When your draught is bitter, become wine.

In this night be boundless magic

at the crossroads of your senses,

a strange meeting of mind.

And if the world forgets you,

say to the quiet earth: I run.

Say to the rapid stream: I am.

Now, or a few minutes ago, I read that yesterday it was Ray Bradbury’s birthday.

I’m good at missing birthdays.

Anyway, I’ve always loved Bradbury’s stories. Some were truly scary, lots were very funny. The books ‘Something wicked this way comes’ and ‘Dandelion wine’ are my favourites but he has written so much that’s perfectly wonderful.

‘Green shadows, white whale’, for instance, about the period he stayed in Ireland, where he wrestled with Melville and found out it wasn’t all that easy to be John Huston’s script writer.

Enough about that though – and back to Rilke, sort of. That is, in that poem, there’s talk of magic, crossroads, transformations and, yes, an almost pervasive sense of melancholy…

… and those are all themes that come back, again and again, in Bradbury’s stories.

Of course, Rilke didn’t have much of a sense of humour, so it would be wrong to let him set the tone of this birthday card.

So, thank you, mister Rilke, for getting this show on the road but I will now hand the microphone to someone else – someone a bit less into those sombre belfries.

A Hell of a lot less, in fact – but I’m sure the author of ‘A graveyard for lunatics’ and ‘Driving blind’ won’t mind.

Happy (yes, I know I’m late) birthday, mister Bradbury – and thank you again (and again and again) for all the stories, all those hours of (re)reading bliss. Here’s hoping for another decade of more of the same magic.

Take it away, Rachel…:



So, it would seem that the tourist towns on both side of the English Channel have, in the nick of time, survived a very close shave indeed:

“Beaches along the English Channel have been reopened to swimmers amid reports that a suspected crocodile sighted close to busy beaches was in fact a piece of wood.”

Of course, if they’d used Ockham’s Razor, no journalist would ever have assumed that the Channel had suddenly started to channel the Nile, with its crocs dressed up as trees routine.

On the other hand, not many journalists (especially during the summer) are on speaking terms with the famous Barber of Ockham, even though his basic idea that ‘entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity’ could be the motto of every tabloid that ever boasted a pendulous pair of Page Three paps.

Ockham’s Principle – in a Razor for Dummies version: That, if something looks like a tree, swims like a tree and quacks like a tree, it might not necessarily mean that, Global Warming or not, we suddenly deal with a bloody crocodile – is but a slightly better dressed & educated relative of the Sun or Daily Mail and its insistence that it is simply calling a spade a spade.

Crocodiles sell more papers than trees, though.

In the same way that, if you run a tabloid, tits are bigger than sequoias.

The Sun: Putting the tit back into Titian…)

(Jawallaheh: For all bloody nutters…)

Interesting:

“One of the most prestigious figures in Scots law is calling on the country’s courts to take biblical teachings into account when administering justice. Former Conservative Cabinet member Lord Mackay of Clashfern, who served as Lord Chancellor under Margaret Thatcher and John Major as well as holding the post of Scotland’s Lord Advocate, is fronting a campaign which will see bibles sent to every court in the land.”

Yes, we do so need judges to get all Biblical in our court rooms. Wouldn’t the world be a much happier place if we all followed these simple laws from Leviticus 20: 9-16…?

[9] For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.
[10] And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
[11] And the man that lieth with his father’s wife hath uncovered his father’s nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
[12] And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.
[13] If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
[14] And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.
[15] And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.
[16] And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Et bloody cetera.

Of course, this newly reintroduced set of old laws would make it harder for the likes of Jerry Springer, Jeremy Kyle, the makers of Big brother and all of the tabloids to engage with the punters in any profitable way…

… but that would, indeed, be a small price to pay – and we could always show the executions live on TV, lest the feelings of the voyeuristic would be hurt in the evangelical process…

… though it would be a Hell of a lot easier if the good Lord Mackay of Clashfern simply moved to Saudi Arabia, where his religious soul brothers & ethical kinsmen dwell:

“A Saudi judge has asked several hospitals whether they would punitively damage a man’s spinal cord after he was convicted of attacking another man with a cleaver and paralysing him, local newspapers reported today. Saudi Arabia enforces strict sharia law and occasionally metes out punishments based on the ancient code of an eye for an eye.”

It’s such a pity that we, in the West, barring a few zealous Lords, don’t have this same moral rectitude.

Otherwise, we would repay the religious Saudi leaders in this same bloody coin, by subsidizing faith schools all over the world, that would teach millions of children how to make roadside bombs and suicide belts and send them on their way with a bit of travel money, a one-way ticket, a map of Saudi Arabia and the addresses of all Saudi royals, imams and judges…

… but we won’t, ’cause we are a bunch of infidels who don’t follow the laws of Allah (the Glorious and Exalted) and His Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) and simply refuse to accept that Islam is the only truly peaceful religion on earth.

(As Jesus said: The imbeciles will always be with us…)

Meet Joumana Haddad, my new heroine – someone I had not even heard of till I read an article about her in today’s Guardian.

So, in today’s ‘Thought For The Day’ two of those, for the prize of one. Thank you, Haddad:

“”These backward-looking obscurantists” – Arab defenders of chastity – “are thieves. They are desecrators. They are murderers. And, on top of everything, they are stupid. And this is perhaps the cruellest blow.”

Indeed – and this one rings a familiar bell too:

””The Arab mind is in crisis. And because of this it wants everyone to be in crisis with it … The Arab mind cannot handle questions, because questions can hurt and upset the murky calm of the swamp.””

Irshad Manji

Richard Dawkins

John Gray (no, not that one!)

Ayaan Hirshi Ali

Christopher Hitchens

Philip Pullman…

… and now Joumana Haddad. Life can be good.

So, if you don’t mind, I’m off to see if I can order her books online.

Now, this is quite interesting:

“The oldest evidence of a fungus that turns ants into zombies and makes them stagger to their death has been uncovered by scientists. The gruesome hallmark of the fungus’s handiwork was found on the leaves of plants that grew in Messel, near Darmstadt in Germany 48m years ago.”

Of course, human beings don’t need a fungus (or any outside help, be it animal, vegetable, mineral or Scriptural) to behave like staggeringly stupid zombies – as the following story shows:

“Poll held before Ground Zero mosque furore finds 18% of people believe US president is Muslim, not Christian.”

Talking of stupid zombies – and Muslims:

“A Muslim woman who works as a hostess at a Disney-owned restaurant filed a discrimination complaint against the entertainment giant Wednesday, saying they have repeatedly sent her home without pay for refusing to remove her headscarf at work.”

It probably should leave me feeling confused and unsatisfied but I actually find it quite liberating – at times even exhilarating – that more and more news stories of a confrontational nature have me snorting in contempt for all the parties involved, which very much includes the journalists or TV talking heads who feel the need to feed us this pap…

… which is less wholesome, tasteful or ethically sourced than a Central Park hotdog at the tail-end of the Fourth of July (or a kebab at the fag-end of a Friday night pub crawl in Newcastle.)

The only question this sorry piece of journalistic fast food shite raised with me was if there was a Halal/Haram viewing list for Disney characters…

… or for working with them, since my other thought was that the litigious Imane Boudlal could simply have worn her headscarf under one of those mascots’ heads.

Back to that vexed question of kosher characters though.

Ducks are obviously okay but those three little pigs should be a big no-no.

Equally, Mickey’s faithful companion, Pluto, would be terribly Haram, dogs being unclean and all.

It’s harder to give a simple answer about the suitability of a Mickey suit (or mere head, if you don’t feel the need to go the full burqa.)

One simple Google search told me that you do have Halal mouse pads. On the other hand, the mighty Google also informed me that mouse paddies are decidedly Haram, so perhaps a good Muslim shouldn’t wear a Mickey head, whatever a certain Palestinian TV programme suggested…

… which could, on the other hand, explain how some, slightly less sophisticated Muslims might believe working for Disney would be the dream job for any true believer, wearing a headscarf – or a Kalashnikov:

O tempora, o mores – as Julius Caesar used to say each time his troops had been defeated by a village packed with doped-up Gauls:

“A new McDonald’s advert featuring Asterix enjoying a hamburger and fries has sparked outrage among French comic purists who claim the Gallic hero has surrendered to the American fast food chain.”

Is nothing sacred, then?

Will we see adverts featuring Mother Theresa playing a slot-machine in the latest Russian owned casino opening in Saint Tropez?

Will we have to grin and bear it through another televised UNICEF do, presented by a knickerless nitwit whose agent told her charity is the new sex tape?

Will we have to witness the Disney Company signing a contract with the Republican Party, offering to use the latest computer technology to slightly alter their old classic movies – so that we may see a sexily yet demurely drawn Sarah Palin as Snow White and a hagged-up Hilary offering her that famous poisoned apple?

What do you think?

What do I think?

Well, call me a cynical so-and-so but I’d say that the last paragraph of that article I quoted above gives us a pretty good idea where we are heading:

“[D]espite the country’s reputation as the birthplace of haute cuisine, the French have shown their love for the American chain with their stomachs: France is the company’s second-most profitable market after the United States. It is also the country where customers spend most money per visit.”

(How the mighty have fallen, indeed…)

This is for those who wonder where the expression ‘on a winning streak’ comes from:

“A British billionaire, Alki David, has offered $1 million to the first person who manages to streak naked in front of Barack Obama.”

For many though who want to strike it rich it’s a small step from lucky streak to tight squeeze:

“A suspected burglar was left dangling today when he got stuck as he tried to climb through a window. His legs were still dangling outside and it appeared his bottom had prevented the man from squeezing through completely.”

They say there are no atheists in foxholes. Christopher Hitchens might still disagree with that but loads of people, from serial streakers to bungling burglars, will, on occasion, have the urge to pray for divine intervention.

Though even that, these days, comes with more caveats than you have breakdancing angels on theological pins:

“An advert for an amulet which promised ‘divine protection’ has been banned by advertising bosses because the firm behind it could not prove that angels will protect those who wear it.”

Ah, how the mighty have fallen…:

“In July, one of the longest losing streaks in the history of culinary combat finally came to end. According to the Nielsen Company, 52-week dollar sales of packaged wheat bread topped those of white bread for the first time in U.S. Supermarkets.”

On the other hand, and talking of the end of another long losing streak, it’s not all bad news…

… for today we can announce that things can – and will – only get better in Afghanistan:

“In a wide-ranging, hour-long interview with The Washington Post, [General David Petraeus] said he sees incipient signs of progress in parts of the volatile south, in new initiatives to create community defense forces and in nascent steps to reintegrate low-level insurgents who want to stop fighting.”

Ah yes, my friends, the dance goes on and on…

Now in the Post there are two pretty pieces
There is one where Death comes to cry
With a lobby of Afghanistan salesmen
Made of trees where the doves go to die
There’s a piece of white bread torn from the morning
As it’s banned from the fridge and your plates

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws…

… or something. (Sorry about that, Leonard!)

Ladies and gentleman, a big hand please for the most astoundingly stupid question asked this Millennium…

… and no, it wasn’t young Levi Johnston asking Sarah Palin if it was okay for him to call her Mom again.

It’s this:

“American cinema is omnivorous. It has swallowed almost every subject from the trivial to great historical events, and then spewed them up. However, there is one subject it has refused to tackle directly: the bombing of Hiroshima and its consequences. As it is now 65 years since the horrific event, the omission seems even more astounding.”

Astounding?

Only if you have very, very bad taste – or the brain of a quail (senior or junior.)

Whatever you think about the decision to drop those two bombs on the civilian population of two large cities, to expect Hollywood to go all John Wayne about it, or give it an angst-y Woody Allen comedy make-over would be a bit much…

… or a bit like asking why the National Association of Catering Butchers don’t show a clip of the death of Bambi’s mother at their annual convention.

(Nope, not that one…)

Now, here’s a mildly interesting story for you:

“At precisely 13:13, a boy aged 13 was seen by the St John Ambulance team at Lowestoft Seafront Air Festival in Suffolk after he was struck by lightning, a spokesman said. The boy suffered a minor burn and was taken to James Paget Hospital, where he is expected to make a full recovery.”

Yes, that’s summer journalism for you: “Boy suffers minor burn”.

Still, it will strengthen all those silly superstitious folks in their belief that you should never leave the safety of your home on Friday the 13^th.

Though I’m prepared to pray for any sign that told us staying home would be anything but safe for the new owner of a certain London penthouse:

“A penthouse in one of London’s most opulent developments has sold for a record-breaking £140 million, as the market for “trophy homes” bucks the wider property slump.”

Paying that kind of money for a flat, while, for instance, twenty million people in Pakistan have joined the ever-rising numbers of the World Wide Homeless, is more than a bit tasteless…

… and I can’t help but think that it would be nice if there was some righteously smiting God to take offence at the drop of a sparrow. One’s Whose aim would be better, you hope, than that pathetic Friday the 13^th flash in the pan.