Glob-a-log

You know that old slogan, the one that’s so popular with the merchants & facilitators of quite avoidable death: ‘Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.’

Technically, they are right, of course, though I’d love to see those Columbine idiots, or that Virginia Tech moron, or the promoters of your average Shock & Awe campaign try and kill as many people as swiftly and easily with a catapult and some brightly coloured balls of paper.

Gods don’t kill people. Priests kill people.

The Little Red Book doesn’t kill people. Megalomanic arseholes kill people.

McDonald’s doesn’t kill people. Lazy gluttony kills people.

Death doesn’t kill people. Living kills people.

Et cetera, et cetera, et ad absurdum…

Spiders do kill people, of course – but not all that often, really. Mostly, it’s stupidity that kills people or embarrasses the shit out of them, as the following article shows:

“An 28 year-old man suffered severe burns after attacking an arachnid with an aerosol can at his home in Clacton in Essex. The man was summoned by his wife to deal with a spider she had seen scuttling behind the lavatory on Bank Holiday Monday. Not being able to reach it, the man decided to kill it by spraying it with the can. However he was unable to see whether it was dead because the bulb in the bathroom light had blown. At this point he turned to a cigarette lighter to illuminate the room, but in the process ignited the gas fumes and caused an explosion. The blast was so strong it blew the man off his feet and lifted the loft door off its hinges.”

Talking about spiders, and about idiots, and about religion, and about religious idiots with a spider fixation. Here’s a little something I found on that most omnipresent of Webs:

“Because its webs are traps for the unwary insect, Christians use the spider as a symbol of the Devil and the elaborate traps he prepares for souls which are represented by flies.”

Right…

Meaning that the good God-bothering flies would go to Heaven and the wicked Richard Dawkins flies to That Other Place…

… which would turn both God and His Adversary into a kind of B-movie type good cop, bad cop Lord of the Flies team.

Christians against arachnids. What next?

Hindus against holograms? Jews against geography? Muslims against muesli?



I’ve always had mixed feelings about Texas.

On the one hand, it’s the actual home of Kinky Friedman, front man of the legendary Texas Jew Boys and writer of superbly funny detective stories, featuring a puppet’s head, a lesbian dance class, cigars and a perfectly grumpy cat…

… but, on the other paw, it’s the spiritual birth place of George Bush.

So, what to make of Texas?

Or, perhaps more to the point, what to desperately avoid eating in Texas?

As the following story makes clear:

“A chef in Texas has created what he claims is the world’s first recipe for deep-fried beer. The beer is placed inside a pocket of salty, pretzel-like dough and then dunked in oil at 375 degrees for about 20 seconds, a short enough time for the confection to remain alcoholic. When diners take a bite the hot beer mixes with the dough in what is claimed to be a delicious taste sensation. His deep-fried beer will be officially unveiled in a fried food competition at the Texas state fair later this month.”

By the way, those who think deep-fried beer has no chance in Hell to win any fried food competition may be as sadly delusional as the people who thought George Bush had the same chance of ‘winning’ the presidency (twice.)

As this quote, taken from the same article, shows:

“Last year’s winner of the Texas state fair fried food competition was a recipe for deep-fried butter.”

Still, however distasteful deep-fried beer or butter may be, today’s newspapers saw many stories that were much harder to swallow…

… like the one about Tony Blair and his bloody memoir, in which he stands by his decision to invade Iraq but regrets banning fox hunting.

(A lot of dead Iraqis would agree it’s a pity he never ran for the presidency…)

(Love is in the air…?)

The Iranian government truly is the columnist’s gift that keeps on giving.

It feels like only yesterday that I last mentioned Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his happy gang of psychopaths – meaning I’m only wrong by two days…

… whereas the Iranian government is about two millennia removed from the cultural mindset that gave us the international declaration of human rights…

… and at an approximately two light years’ distance from any place where they sell Germaine Greer’s ‘The Female Eunuch’…

… or Garfield and Odie mugs:

“Fresh from banning women from watching wrestling, and men from sporting mullet hairstyles, the Iranian regime is now targeting a new source of Western subversion: dogs and cats. All advertisements for pets, pet shops, pet food and other pet products are to be prohibited, the powerful Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance has announced.”

Which leaves me with one rather intriguing question:

Does anyone out there reading this know if our good friend Mahmoud is still a bachelor? Or, if not, whether he’s looking for an add-on wife?

If so, I think I have found the perfect bride for him…:

(Meet the future Mary Ahmadinejad, née Bale…)

(Those were the days, my friend…)

Fucking baby boomers:

“If you’re about to become a grandparent - or about to make grandparents out of your parents by having a child of your own – you’ve most likely thought about what the upcoming child will call you or your parents. Of course, there’s the traditional “Grandma” and “Grandpa,” which works well for many people. But others feel they want a younger-sounding name or one that’s more personalized. So, how do you pick the perfect grandparent name?”

Not that their fame & fortune obsessed children and grandchildren make for much better company:

“Fans of The X Factor are falling off their sofas after learning that Jedward may be even less talented than they appear. The most popular programme on TV, which returned for a new series on Saturday, is at the centre of a revolt after the show’s producers confessed to using technology to iron out wobbles in contestants’ voices. Auto-Tune allows singers to perform perfectly, regardless of their ability to hold a note.”

All of which would almost be reason enough to start a Facebook account and ‘friend’ Iran’s vice-president, Mohammad-Reza Rahimi, who recently made the news here when he was even less complimentary about the British people than his boss, the all-sensible & charming humanitarian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

“The British people and David Cameron have been labelled ‘thick’ by a senior member of Iran’s government.”

Well, duh…, but please continue:

“In a blistering diatribe against Britain, Mohammad-Reza Rahimi said: ‘They have plundered the world in the last 500 years…”

We’ll give you that. Do go on:

“…and the young lad in charge now is even more stupid than his predecessor.”

Hang on, now; that’s not altogether fair…!

“It’s as if God has made this nation servants of America and Zionists.’”

Yeah, yeah, yeah: We know. Perfidious Albion; no homosexuals in Iran; Great Satan; Holocaust never happened; Britney Spears bad, stoning good…

“Iran’s First Vice President added: ‘England has nothing. Its inhabitants are not human, its officials are not responsible, and it doesn’t even have any natural resources. (They are) a bunch of thick people ruled by a mafia.’”

Ah, well. For a few moments it seemed that our mister Mohammad-Reza Rahimi did have something sensible to say…

… but all that this diatribe shows is that old Mahmoud has taken a clever leaf from papa Bush’s book: When you know that perhaps not the whole world is all that fond of you, make sure that any armed dissenter knows that the guy waiting in the wings is far worse.

So, meet the new not-quite-boss yet, same as the old not-quite-boss-yet: Mohammad-Reza Rahimi is the new Dan Quayle.

(Yeah, yeah, I know: dreadful – but I would welcome an ‘auto tune’ thingie for politicians…)

(Jawallaheh: For all bloody nutters…)

Interesting:

“One of the most prestigious figures in Scots law is calling on the country’s courts to take biblical teachings into account when administering justice. Former Conservative Cabinet member Lord Mackay of Clashfern, who served as Lord Chancellor under Margaret Thatcher and John Major as well as holding the post of Scotland’s Lord Advocate, is fronting a campaign which will see bibles sent to every court in the land.”

Yes, we do so need judges to get all Biblical in our court rooms. Wouldn’t the world be a much happier place if we all followed these simple laws from Leviticus 20: 9-16…?

[9] For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.
[10] And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
[11] And the man that lieth with his father’s wife hath uncovered his father’s nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
[12] And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.
[13] If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
[14] And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.
[15] And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.
[16] And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Et bloody cetera.

Of course, this newly reintroduced set of old laws would make it harder for the likes of Jerry Springer, Jeremy Kyle, the makers of Big brother and all of the tabloids to engage with the punters in any profitable way…

… but that would, indeed, be a small price to pay – and we could always show the executions live on TV, lest the feelings of the voyeuristic would be hurt in the evangelical process…

… though it would be a Hell of a lot easier if the good Lord Mackay of Clashfern simply moved to Saudi Arabia, where his religious soul brothers & ethical kinsmen dwell:

“A Saudi judge has asked several hospitals whether they would punitively damage a man’s spinal cord after he was convicted of attacking another man with a cleaver and paralysing him, local newspapers reported today. Saudi Arabia enforces strict sharia law and occasionally metes out punishments based on the ancient code of an eye for an eye.”

It’s such a pity that we, in the West, barring a few zealous Lords, don’t have this same moral rectitude.

Otherwise, we would repay the religious Saudi leaders in this same bloody coin, by subsidizing faith schools all over the world, that would teach millions of children how to make roadside bombs and suicide belts and send them on their way with a bit of travel money, a one-way ticket, a map of Saudi Arabia and the addresses of all Saudi royals, imams and judges…

… but we won’t, ’cause we are a bunch of infidels who don’t follow the laws of Allah (the Glorious and Exalted) and His Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) and simply refuse to accept that Islam is the only truly peaceful religion on earth.

(As Jesus said: The imbeciles will always be with us…)

Meet Joumana Haddad, my new heroine – someone I had not even heard of till I read an article about her in today’s Guardian.

So, in today’s ‘Thought For The Day’ two of those, for the prize of one. Thank you, Haddad:

“”These backward-looking obscurantists” – Arab defenders of chastity – “are thieves. They are desecrators. They are murderers. And, on top of everything, they are stupid. And this is perhaps the cruellest blow.”

Indeed – and this one rings a familiar bell too:

””The Arab mind is in crisis. And because of this it wants everyone to be in crisis with it … The Arab mind cannot handle questions, because questions can hurt and upset the murky calm of the swamp.””

Irshad Manji

Richard Dawkins

John Gray (no, not that one!)

Ayaan Hirshi Ali

Christopher Hitchens

Philip Pullman…

… and now Joumana Haddad. Life can be good.

So, if you don’t mind, I’m off to see if I can order her books online.

Now, this is quite interesting:

“The oldest evidence of a fungus that turns ants into zombies and makes them stagger to their death has been uncovered by scientists. The gruesome hallmark of the fungus’s handiwork was found on the leaves of plants that grew in Messel, near Darmstadt in Germany 48m years ago.”

Of course, human beings don’t need a fungus (or any outside help, be it animal, vegetable, mineral or Scriptural) to behave like staggeringly stupid zombies – as the following story shows:

“Poll held before Ground Zero mosque furore finds 18% of people believe US president is Muslim, not Christian.”

Talking of stupid zombies – and Muslims:

“A Muslim woman who works as a hostess at a Disney-owned restaurant filed a discrimination complaint against the entertainment giant Wednesday, saying they have repeatedly sent her home without pay for refusing to remove her headscarf at work.”

It probably should leave me feeling confused and unsatisfied but I actually find it quite liberating – at times even exhilarating – that more and more news stories of a confrontational nature have me snorting in contempt for all the parties involved, which very much includes the journalists or TV talking heads who feel the need to feed us this pap…

… which is less wholesome, tasteful or ethically sourced than a Central Park hotdog at the tail-end of the Fourth of July (or a kebab at the fag-end of a Friday night pub crawl in Newcastle.)

The only question this sorry piece of journalistic fast food shite raised with me was if there was a Halal/Haram viewing list for Disney characters…

… or for working with them, since my other thought was that the litigious Imane Boudlal could simply have worn her headscarf under one of those mascots’ heads.

Back to that vexed question of kosher characters though.

Ducks are obviously okay but those three little pigs should be a big no-no.

Equally, Mickey’s faithful companion, Pluto, would be terribly Haram, dogs being unclean and all.

It’s harder to give a simple answer about the suitability of a Mickey suit (or mere head, if you don’t feel the need to go the full burqa.)

One simple Google search told me that you do have Halal mouse pads. On the other hand, the mighty Google also informed me that mouse paddies are decidedly Haram, so perhaps a good Muslim shouldn’t wear a Mickey head, whatever a certain Palestinian TV programme suggested…

… which could, on the other hand, explain how some, slightly less sophisticated Muslims might believe working for Disney would be the dream job for any true believer, wearing a headscarf – or a Kalashnikov:

This is for those who wonder where the expression ‘on a winning streak’ comes from:

“A British billionaire, Alki David, has offered $1 million to the first person who manages to streak naked in front of Barack Obama.”

For many though who want to strike it rich it’s a small step from lucky streak to tight squeeze:

“A suspected burglar was left dangling today when he got stuck as he tried to climb through a window. His legs were still dangling outside and it appeared his bottom had prevented the man from squeezing through completely.”

They say there are no atheists in foxholes. Christopher Hitchens might still disagree with that but loads of people, from serial streakers to bungling burglars, will, on occasion, have the urge to pray for divine intervention.

Though even that, these days, comes with more caveats than you have breakdancing angels on theological pins:

“An advert for an amulet which promised ‘divine protection’ has been banned by advertising bosses because the firm behind it could not prove that angels will protect those who wear it.”

Let’s start with a poem by Koi Bashi – one that was used as dedication by Sheri S. Tepper in her wonderful novel ‘Sideshow’. The poem is called ‘Man’:

heaven longing ape
angel who stumbles
blind light bearer
who falls and fumbles
worshiper of error
seeker after truth
hurting and aging
lover of lovely youth
wild beast raging
craven and brave
freak of fashion
and custom’s slave
puppet of passion
lowest and loftiest
a sideshow gape
god’s fool, nature’s jest
heaven longing ape

So, a few days ago, I used a quote from an article by Times writer Simon Barnes. This one:

“In Gulliver’s Travels, Gulliver, in the land of giants, boasts to the King of Brobdingnag about the advanced technology that humans have created for warfare. The King replies: “I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.””

In case you wondered, today’s column is not about me being struck blind en route to Damascus. In other words, I’ve not converted to the ‘That’s why I love mankind’ church…

… but, as with all things, you can introduce witnesses for the prosecution as well as witnesses for the defence…

… and as strange, and even perverse, as it might seem, today’s two witnesses for that defence come with tales that have their roots in one of the most disgusting periods in human history – a history that’s not exactly shy of episodes that would revolt your average Brobdingnagian monarch.

I’m talking about the Holocaust – and if you don’t mind, I’ll stop talking now. I’ll just leave you with these two tales. Make of them what you want; take comfort from them if you can…

… and us being these ‘heaven longing apes’, God knows we need all the comfort we can get.

1) “A Jewish Holocaust survivor who danced with his family at the entrance to Auschwitz concentration camp and other Nazi death camp memorials has attracted a growing following on the internet with a film of their performance. Adolek Kohn, 89, a former Auschwitz prisoner who is now an Australian citizen, said the video, which shows him, his daughter Jane and her three children bopping to Gloria Gaynor’s hit song I Will Survive, is meant as an affirmation of life and stands as a celebration of his own survival.”

2) [T]he Tour of Poland set off from Oswiecim, the Polish town better known since the second world war as Auschwitz. Before the start, the riders assembled outside the gate of the main extermination camp. Stijn Devolder, the Belgian champion, was the first to remove his helmet and sunglasses, and the rest followed suit. Silence reigned while a rider from each of the 34 countries in the field stepped forward to place a rose at the spot. “The emotion,” La Gazzetta dello Sport reported, “had no nationality.”

One of my favourite writers in The Times is Simon Barnes. He mostly writes about sports, and about wildlife, but everything his pen touches turns to gold.

He is both level-headed and passionate and has a good eye for the absurd.

He would probably make an excellent after dinner speaker but when you read him you also feel he would be perfectly comfortable being a silent and attentive guest at any table.

Anyway, yesterday I read another one of his ‘nature notes’ and, as always, it was a pleasure to spend time in his company.

You should read the whole article, of course. Birds feature heavily – as do bombs and grenades, including an atom bomb turned tourist attraction…

… and this is how he ends the piece:

“It’s a banal thought to end a really remarkable day, but someone’s got to have it. Think of all the money, and all those brilliant minds, working here in secrecy on this strangely lovely spot, giving the best we had to the ideal of killing as many people as efficiently as possible. What if — I mean really, just think — what if all those millions and all those minds had given themselves up to the task of looking after the planet rather than killing people? Life, not death?”

It’s a good question but not one that would enter the mind of a politician, bureaucrat or general.

Pete Seeger wrote the song and the voice of Marlene Dietrich turned it into a monument, made of indelible notes & tremors.

It’s not the title but it’s the one unforgettable line: “When will they ever learn?”

The answer: Most probably, never.

Simon Barnes chose another voice from the past, to make the same point – and since this post is more about him than about me, I will happily give him the final word:

“In Gulliver’s Travels, Gulliver, in the land of giants, boasts to the King of Brobdingnag about the advanced technology that humans have created for warfare. The King replies: “I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.””