Glob-a-log

One of the books I’m reading at the moment is Graeme Gibson’s ‘The Bedside Book of Beasts’.

Here’s a quote from it:

“Once we discarded animal spirits and adopted anthropomorphic Gods, we began to thank them [for the food] – and by implication, our selves – instead of the creatures who gave their lives to feed us. This shift served to depersonalize our relationship with the meat on our plate, in the same way that technology later depersonalized the killing of the living beast.”

There’s much more really good stuff in the book, so go out and buy a copy when you’re done here, if you can.

Anyway, I was reminded of that quote when I read the following nit of nonsense in today’s Guardian:

“A member of the New York’s legislative assembly has introduced a bill that would ban the use of salt in restaurant kitchens. The ban’s proposer says it would give consumers the choice about whether to add salt to their meal. Restaurants trying to sneak a bit of sodium chloride on to the plate would be fined $1,000 every time they were caught.”

We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? We moved from those Lascaux caves, where we left those beautiful drawings on the walls and now we send out rockets into space – but we’ve become very strange in the process: So far removed from our ancestor bones and our ancestor souls that we think we’re no longer part of nature.

Which is probably why we inhabit and treat our bodies as if they were our adversaries and why we have such a deranged and unhealthy relationship with our food.

Okay, one more quote from Gibson’s book before I go:

“Now, of course, few of us thank anything or anyone for the gift of our food. Which in the light of industrial agriculture seems appropriate: it would be adding insult to injury to offer thanks to a battery hen or turkey, considering the horrors we’ve inflicted upon it.”

It seems only yesterday – okay, it was only yesterday – that I linked to a story about breast milk; to wit, about a woman who was charged with assault, after she had “squirted milk straight from her breast into the face of a female deputy.”

Well, you know what they say, ‘It never rains but it pours with the sticky stuff’, so I wasn’t all that surprised when I came upon the following story:

“Take four cups of breast milk, add rennet, salt and yoghurt – yes, four cups of breast milk, according to a recipe created by New York chef and restaurateur Daniel Angeler who posted his formula for maple caramelized pumpkin encrusted cheese on his blog, and offered “whoever wants to try it is welcome to try it as long as supply lasts”.”

It’s a kind of progress, I suppose – and it’s what human beings do best.

99,999% of all animals will ignore a branch that has fallen from the tree but one of our ancestors thought ‘Hang on a minute!’, picked it up and brained one of his fellow human beings.

We never leave well enough alone, you might say.

So, we steal milk from cows and turn it into ice-cream and milkshakes – and then we take our own breast milk and use it as an assault weapon or turn it into a Yuppie type cheese.

Oh, and for those of you who made these ‘yuk’ noises when you read about that breast milk maple caramelized et cetera cheese…

… you ain’t seen nothing yet.

May I present to you something that runs faster through your entrails than a fried Mars bars, smells more powerful than a deep-fried cheeseburger and is better able to leap up your throat in a single bound than a vengeful haggis.

Look! Up in the charts of the most disgusting food products ever…

It’s Pork Chocs – Sugar free chocolate dipped pork rinds

(You don’t need to have Superman’s stomach to swallow this but it helps…)

(When Ronald met Adolf…)

People can be such idiots.

I mean, individually, sometimes, people can be charming, well-meaning and even intelligent. Place them in social groups, political parties, sport teams or work organisations and they, collectively, regress to the level of the stupidest, most mean-spirited, corrupt and aggressive persons among them.

Take the following bit of news, coming from New Zealand:

“Meals approved by Weight Watchers are going on sale at McDonald’s in New Zealand under a deal trumpeted as an enjoyable way to lose weight but that nutritionists criticise as a marketing ploy that doesn’t promote healthy eating. As part of the deal, which the company says is the first of its kind, McDonald’s will use the Weight Watchers logo on its menu boards and Weight Watchers will promote McDonald’s to dieters.”

We all know that McDonald’s is happy enough to deforest the planet and turn every child into a diabetic lard puppet, as long as they can make a few bucks on the way but what were Weight Watchers thinking…?

It’s like the RSPCA (or PETA) endorsing Hitler, because he was a vegetarian who loved dogs.

Ah well, people.

Like Jimmy Breslin wrote in his wonderful book, ‘I Want to Thank My Brain for remembering Me’:

“[It] takes absolutely nothing to go against public opinion because public opinion is wrong to hold and insane to herald because it is made of a choir of crickets.”

It’s funny. A few weeks ago I decided I wanted to write a bit more about one of my passions: cooking (and the various cuisines of the world – and the state of eating out in the Czech republic.)

I haven’t followed up on that, really but ever since I said I wanted to talk about food, there’ve been various news stories about food that caught my fancy.

So, yesterday there was this article about cat food – and that same day I came upon this one:

“Health and Safety officers have issued a warning to the curry houses of Birmingham after a spate of injuries caused by exploding tandoori ovens. A number of restaurant workers have been severely burned because the modern gas tandoors, used to cook chicken tikka and nan bread, were not properly maintained.”

Which isn’t particularly nice for the victims but I could not help giggling a bit at my first and rather insensitive reaction to this story. To wit:

I know that eating Indian food will give lots of non-Indians high levels of stomach acid but you have to admit that food is seriously spicy when it even will give heartburns to the ovens in which it is prepared.

(Okay,  those ovens would be less painful…)

I once ate a goat’s eye. I can’t say I enjoyed the experience but it was a local delicacy and I was the honoured guest in someone’s home, so I could not really refuse to eat the damn thing.

Eyes are so much bigger when they are lying on your plate, by the way – but I don’t want to spend more memory time on that particular meal.

What I wanted to say is that if you are okay with eating meat, it’s kind of silly to get all worked up about other people’s eating habits.

I mean, I can see why Jeffrey Dahmer’s diet upset his neighbours (and sold a lot of newspapers too) but the following story about another food-based uproar is plain silly:

“A top Italian food writer has been suspended indefinitely from the country’s version of the television programme Ready Steady Cook for recommending stewed cat to viewers as a “succulent dish”. RAI, the public broadcasting network, said that it had dropped Beppe Bigazzi, 77, for offering the recipe on La Prova del Cuoco, which is broadcast at midday on the main channel. Its switchboard was inundated with complaints from viewers and animal rights groups.”

Surely, if it’s okay to eat Bambi, or Donald Duck’s children, or all those fishy friends of little Nemo, it should be cool to skin a few cats.

People can get so stupidly sentimental about all kinds of stuff. So, while I would understand how a vegetarian who loves cats not merely for their bodies could be a bit upset when a TV chef talks about this kind of cat food, the rest of the viewers should just grow up a little.

In a world where it is accepted that millions of chickens are tortured and butchered, each and every day, it’s a bit rich to reach these righteous fury levels, when someone merely talks about a cat casserole.

Remember Dick Cheney, or Charlie Manson, or Jeffrey Dahmer? Or, let’s say, that guy who blew up the FBI building, or the ones shooting abortion doctors? Or the good little demagogues of FOX news (and all their disciples)? Or the millions of children and grown-ups, whose fast food eating habits make them look like drowning victims, whose grotesquely bloated bodies have been fished out of the water after a week? Pretty, no?

No.

Anyway, I remember once making a joke about someone being so stupid he would drown in the shallow end of the gene pool.

That was before I realized how shallow people really can get?

“Americans are the most attractive looking people in the world, according to a new survey.The United States, home to George Clooney and Jessica Simpson, came top in a poll of more than 5,000 globe-trotting Britons. In second place was Brazil while Spain, which boasts Hollywood actress Penelope Cruz as one of its natives, was third.”

I’d say that if a few film stars can raise a whole nation to most-attractiveness, then these opinions held by 5000 tourists make either Britain or the whole tourist species the most moronic on earth – but why spend more time and thought on these imbeciles?

It’s time to make lunch for my lady. See you tomorrow.

Again, I’m not in the mood to read any newspapers. It’s almost 17.30 when I write this. I spent the last three-and-a-half hours shopping for food, cutting up innocent vegetables and doing quite cruel things to a bit of lamb. In about an hour it will be time to heat up the oven, so that yet another dinner for six can be served around 19.30.

Which leaves me an hour to shower, dress up and write my daily column.Which is doable - just about.

Anyway, yesterday I went to the pub, to watch the speed skating in Vancouver. ‘Rychlobrusleni’, they call that here in the Czech republic. Not a word you will use a lot here but still a rather nice & strange mouthful of a word.

During the breaks I read a little book, called Fup, by Jim Dodge, which was weird and wonderful – and it also gave me something I can use as a Quote Of The Day:

“I ain’t got an ounce of pimp in me.”

I wonder how many people can truly claim that.

Ah yes, before I go to take that shower, there’s this. There are many disturbing and also disgusting things in the world.

Like egg cream, for instance…

… but there are even worse things than that, out there.

Like the Hug E Gram.

DON’T LINK TO THIS, if you have a weak stomach.

Okay, that was all for today, folks. See you tomorrow.

Yes, the party yesterday was quite nice – thank you for asking. Lots of booze. Lots of good food, which is what happens if the guy who throws the party is a professional chef. Also lots of beautiful women but my lady doesn’t like me enjoying their company too much – which is cool: One love-of-my-life at a time will do for me.

One thing though: That lady in question got a bit too excited and invited all the party goers to come to our place, this Sunday. For dinner…

… and guess who will be doing all the cooking…?

Indeed, me. For seven guests (which doesn’t include my lady and me.)

Which means I’m a bit stressed for time, what with three other people coming over, this evening – yep, even more cooking duties for me. Not that I mind. I love cooking but it does mean I have not much time to do anything else.

So, this is it for today. I’m not even opening any online newspapers. It’s 17.30 now and I have to start chopping onions, peeling potatoes, marinading the meat (for today and tomorrow…)

To be continued.

(Who’s been telling porkie pies this time then…?)

Sometimes, it’s hard to be a Muslim. I mean, look at the state of the world. When the IRA was bombing the shit out of England and knee-capping God knows how many of their own country men, did the international airlines start to strip search priests and nuns? Did the police stop & search anyone wearing a crucifix?

No, they did not – even though the IRA was much better at this whole bombing business than those demented Muslim ‘martyrs’, who would be much better off if they joined some self harm group instead.

Still, because of some imbeciles who set fire to their own shoes and underwear, all Muslims are now treated as potentially rabid dogs. Which ain’t very nice.

From Muslims now to Jews though. So, if it is, at times, hard to be a Muslim, it’s always hard to be a Jew. The writer Dan Simmons once told a story about how he and a few colleages, in 2000, were asked to write a SF story that had to be set in the year 3000.

Now, predicting what will happen in the next ten years or so is tough enough but speculating about stuff a thousand years from now is sheer madness.

Until, as Simmons wrote, he realized that, however vast the oceans of times between now and any possible then, there would always be people who would want to kill all the Jews.

Anyway, you know all of that – and I wouldn’t have brought it up if I hadn’t come upon a news story that, once again, proved that life always lands Muslims and Jews with their peanut butter side on the floor.

Here it is:

“Eating pork is at least as effective as popping a Viagra pill to spice up your romantic life, according to Argentine President Cristina Kirchner, who claims to have tested the theory. “Pork consumption improves sexual activity,” Mrs Kirchner informed a gathering of business people at a meeting at the presidential palace. “This is not a small detail,” she said at the gathering to announce a reduction in the price of pork. “Besides, some nicely grilled pork is much more gratifying than taking Viagra.”

(She should have fed him pork, I guess…)

I’ve said it quite a few times before but the way so many people live in the West is totally disgusting. We are burning up the earth’s natural resources and stuff our collective faces, while a good proportion of the rest of the world’s population starves.

There is an ironic side to this, of course. Thanks to our revolting eating habits, a large percentage of the West’s popultion is now morbidly obese, which means there are now about as many people dying from overweight related heart diseases, diabetes and cancers in the West as there are people dying during your average famine in Ethiopia.

Talking of morbidly obese, by the way, the following story in the Telegraph had me snigger like a fat man who’s been given the Keys to the Kingdom of McDonald’s:

“A report by Tunbridge Wells Borough Council has found an increasing number of cases where bodies will not fit properly in furnaces at Kent and Sussex Crematorium. At present bodies which are too big to be dealt with have to be transported to larger crematoria which can accommodate them in south London or Sittingbourne. But the council is now considering charging more for cremations involving bigger coffins to help pay for improvements costing up to £1.7million.”

There’s something so right about this, and so elegant too.

I mean, we already have airlines charging fat folks extra to take them close to Heaven – and now these same people have to pay a tax in order to get a taste of what might await them when they end up at the other side of that Biblical equation.

As divine statements go, this one sure beats the crap out of the old ‘And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God’ routine