2009: The great Republican come back
(The new face of the Republican party…?)
In the old days, it used to be that seven fat years were followed by seven lean years, which would then morph into seven grossly obese years, which, inevitably, would lead to seven more anorexic ones.
Obviously, that was before the Internet, world trade and the whole concept of the happy, if incestuous soap opera, titled ‘The Global Village.’ So, these days, things move much, much faster than when the Old Testament was dreamed up by some disgruntled Jewish expats in Babylon.
Good times and bad times follow each other up faster than a TV weather person can read, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times’ from the Autocue. Which also means, for political parties, that the length of those so-called wilderness years have shed their Mayflower way of ponderous progress in favour of a more mayfly type of time span.
In other words: Good news for the Republican party, which has every reason to hope that its come-back may be faster and even more miraculous than that of old Lazarus.
Of course, it pays to prepare for success, so there are a few things the Republicans could do to speed up the process a bit more. In fact, there are these following three lines of attack that would seem to be obvious and potentially rewarding:
1) Confuse a Cat
Named after an old Monty Python sketch, this could become the underlying strategy of the new Republican leadership. The Republicans (like the English Conservatives) have long been seen as the ‘nasty party’. So, it’s time for one of those big make-over shows. Obama invites a pro life pastor to his inauguration party? Well, that same day, Mike Huckabee should present the world with his own series of cross-dressing Giuliani style party pictures, while the 9/11 mayor goes on the Daily Show, to sing ‘Give peace a chance.’ From fiscal faithfulness to feminism, from illegal immigration to international interventionism, the Alice in Wonderland principles of confuse-a-catism should have their opponents reeling and the voting public more than a bit confused.
2) The Clinton Conundrum
Named after the title of a Robert Ludlum book (which was suppressed by the Twin Tower conspirators), this should be the second line of attack by the Republicans. One should always go for your enemy’s weakest point. In this case, that’s obviously the team within a team: ‘Team Clinton’. Of course, it would seem that the easiest way to do this was through Bill Clinton. With his less than wholesome appetites, he would make for the easiest victim of any sting operation but he would not be very effective in that role. Quite bluntly, the public wouldn’t expect anything else from him than being a moral black hole. So, it would be much better to play on the many fierce resentments Hillary Clinton still has – and I think most of us would agree that here is a woman who can hold a grudge with the best of them. Again, most people think that the person Hillary most resents is the man who beat her to the presidency. I’m sure she still hasn’t got over that totally but there must be a man she despises even more, the guy she can hold truly responsible for every insult and setback that she has had to suffer. Indeed, her husband Bill. So, why not use this fact and infiltrate a cute, and admiring, and slightly younger male intern, to lure her into an affair. The combination of a sympathetic (and flattering) ear and the idea of some serious payback time could prove to be irresistible.
3) A Contract on America
Named after Newt Gingrich’s old gambit, this should be considered as a last resort. A fall back option, if extreme make-overs and the Hillary sting don’t result in better ratings within, let’s say, three or four months. It’s not the most attractive option but it has been tried before, with quite spectacular results. So, what it lacks in cuddliness, it makes up for in terms of media attention – and it would, most certainly, end the monopoly of the Obama franchise, when it comes to the ‘change’ agenda. Plus, it would be a rather neat answer to what has become the very tiresome Democratic story line that has Obama as the new Lincoln. So, yes, if all else fails, there’s always this last option left: Secession.
(Be careful what you wish for…)
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