Glob-a-log

When you watch Obama on the campaign trail, you cannot help but feel some pity for his hapless opponent, John McCain.

Obama seems to move like a young Ali, floating like a butterfly that won’t be caught by expensively dressed pitbulls or death-to-Israel plumbers; let alone by someone whose only real claim to fame is that he crashed his plane in some jungle and was held captive, Gulliver-style, by small men in pajamas.

So, to get back to boxing metaphors, when you take away his Comedy Capers side-kicks, what remains is this sad and bitter old man, punch-drunk and almost proud to be on the  worst losing streak this side of a British boxer called Buckley:

Boxing fans will gather in Birmingham on Friday night to witness the final fight of a man who should be remembered for ever as Britain’s most spectacular sporting loser. Buckley has lost more fights than any other boxer in the world. Throughout his 256 defeats, he has remained magnificently undeterred. In the past five years he has put together a particularly impressive losing streak, failing to win in 88 successive bouts.

There was a time, in the early 1990s, when Buckley did not seem destined for so luminous a career of defeat. He was a talented super-featherweight who won the Midlands area title. Then he discovered a more lucrative calling, as an opponent for boxers with hot prospects. He rarely won but had a good defence and took few punches. Over time his reflexes slowed and he became easier to hit. Now 39, he has matured into a consistent loser.

Still, there might be some hope left for old John. Not a Rocky style come-back, of course. He’s got as much chance of beating Obama in an honest fight as Joe the Plumber has of sleeping with Cheney’s daughter.

However, there are more ways to skin a Muslim cat who’s been palling around with terrorists. There’s always faith. No, not in the Christian God, this time. Sarah Palin and all the other born-again good old boys and gals have been praying their silly little heads off for months now – and if there’s one thing the polls show it’s that He ain’t listening.

So, it might be time to try for other belief systems, like Kabbalah, which offers all kinds of guidance and protection to the well to do punter. Like the famous ‘Red String’:

The Red String protects us from the influences of the Evil Eye. Evil Eye is a very powerful negative force. It refers to the unfriendly stare and unkind glances we sometimes get from people around us. According to Kabbalah, the critical need to confront the problem of negative influences cannot be underestimated. Kabbalah teaches us that we can remove intrusive negative influences by using tools such as the Red String!

Ah well, and if negative campaigning and Voodoo practices won’t prove to be enough to win John McCain the presidency, he can always fall back on that other neocon strategy and spend the remains of his days in some weird and self-aggrandising fantasy world, where he can pretend that he did win the election and play at becoming as famous a fuck up as his pitiful predecessor.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, October 30th, 2008 at 14:00 and is filed under Columns, Politics, Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.