Glob-a-log

(Fierce and frightful…)

You know that old game: ‘If you could choose an animal, what would you be?’

I hear they also play it with cars instead of animals – in which case my answer would be, “Anything but a people carrier” but then I’m not very sociable, so my totem animal would, most definitely, be a cat.

Still, enough about me. So, what I wanted to suggest is that all of us here play that old game as well – with animals, or with cars, if you must – and I would like to hear what animals you think our four presidential and vice-presidential candidates most resemble.

My choice? Well, it’s easy enough for the two running mates. I know Sarah Palin likened herself to a pitbull and I see no reason to try and improve on that. Well, perhaps with the caveat that I think she more resembles a cross between a pitbull and a coke-snorting chihuahua but let’s just stick with her own choice.

I’m not sure what animal Joe Biden would choose for himself – something humble-yet-wise, I would guess. Still, whatever animal he would fancy, I think he looks a bit like a llama, so that would be my call. Joe the plumber, meet Joe the llama, and all of that.

Over to John ‘I-have-the-scars-to-prove-it’ McCain. A difficult one, my friends… I see some tortoise there, with a touch of carp – and if I squint my mind’s eye, I can also see a bit of marmoset. Hm, when it comes to picking one animal for him, I have as much trouble staying concentrated and on message as he does on the campaign trail.

So, finally, Barack Obama – and that’s really a tough one. When I thought of writing this post I could, almost immediately, visualise the other three but I had no idea where to go for Obama – and I still don’t. So, let me think a bit, make a fresh pot of tea and come back to you on that one…

… nope. Let’s do the dishes first then…

… still no joy.

Wait. Look, he’s tall, kind of sleek, big grin, short hair. Looks nimble on his feet. Like an elongated poodle on a pogo stick that’s just heard this great joke…?

No, not quite. Damn.

A cross between a labrador retriever and an ocelot? Or one between a steroid-fed hummingbird and a flattened orca…?

I give up – but I hope you won’t. So, please let me know what animal you think would fit perfectly in any or all of these candidates’ clothes. Happy hunting!

(Or furry and friendly…?)

(Sleeping with the enemy)

With only five days to go till the American presidential elections, it is understandable that most of the world’s attention is focused on that, near Shakespearean drama – a sheer unending play in which most now see John McCain as a cross between Lear and MacBeth (but with the added poignancy that he never actually wore the crown) and where Obama is being seen by his admirers as an aspiring but undithering prince Hamlet (and being cast by his opponents as a left-leaning Iago.)

There’s this feeling that the world is at some crossroads and, maybe more importantly, people feel at a total loss. The recent past has been anything but glorious, the present doesn’t feel like home and the future holds more nightmare scenarios than visions of better things to come.

No wonder that many people almost long for those sureties of a past age. The wisdom of old Hollywood movies lay in knowing that the public wanted to see the world in black and white: heroes and villains. When you allow for more colours, you also admit that they come in varying, less easily identifiable shades.

These days, we’ve lost the comfort of knowing where we stand. Where are the Hitlers and the Stalins that we need, in order to define our own virtues? For now, we can’t see beyond these ever-changing shades of murky greys. So, its not surprising that some people even long for those frozen, joyless certainties of the Cold War, when things seemed to be so much simpler – more innocent, almost.

Of course, for some those days never ended. Enter the Communist Party of St Petersburg…:

Kurylenko, the Ukrainian actress who plays Bond’s sidekick in Quantum of Solace, has been condemned by the Communist Party of St Petersburg for aiding “the killer of hundreds of Soviet people and their allies”. Apparently oblivious to Bond’s fictional nature, it accused her of assisting “a man who worked for decades under the orders of Thatcher and Reagan to destroy the USSR”.

The Communists are, however, willing to rehabilitate Kurylenko — if she delivers her co-star, Daniel Craig, into the clutches of Russia’s secret services for interrogation. “Let him tell what other plans are being written in the Pentagon and Hollywood to discredit Russia and drive a wedge between the Russian and Ukrainian peoples,” it said.

Sergei Malinkovich, the leader of the city party, told The Times: “Everyone knows that the CIA and MI6 finance James Bond films as a special operation of psychological warfare against us. This Ukrainian girl sleeps with Bond and that means that Ukraine is sleeping with the West.”

Bless.

(Why the Cold War is still hot)

When you watch Obama on the campaign trail, you cannot help but feel some pity for his hapless opponent, John McCain.

Obama seems to move like a young Ali, floating like a butterfly that won’t be caught by expensively dressed pitbulls or death-to-Israel plumbers; let alone by someone whose only real claim to fame is that he crashed his plane in some jungle and was held captive, Gulliver-style, by small men in pajamas.

So, to get back to boxing metaphors, when you take away his Comedy Capers side-kicks, what remains is this sad and bitter old man, punch-drunk and almost proud to be on the  worst losing streak this side of a British boxer called Buckley:

Boxing fans will gather in Birmingham on Friday night to witness the final fight of a man who should be remembered for ever as Britain’s most spectacular sporting loser. Buckley has lost more fights than any other boxer in the world. Throughout his 256 defeats, he has remained magnificently undeterred. In the past five years he has put together a particularly impressive losing streak, failing to win in 88 successive bouts.

There was a time, in the early 1990s, when Buckley did not seem destined for so luminous a career of defeat. He was a talented super-featherweight who won the Midlands area title. Then he discovered a more lucrative calling, as an opponent for boxers with hot prospects. He rarely won but had a good defence and took few punches. Over time his reflexes slowed and he became easier to hit. Now 39, he has matured into a consistent loser.

Still, there might be some hope left for old John. Not a Rocky style come-back, of course. He’s got as much chance of beating Obama in an honest fight as Joe the Plumber has of sleeping with Cheney’s daughter.

However, there are more ways to skin a Muslim cat who’s been palling around with terrorists. There’s always faith. No, not in the Christian God, this time. Sarah Palin and all the other born-again good old boys and gals have been praying their silly little heads off for months now – and if there’s one thing the polls show it’s that He ain’t listening.

So, it might be time to try for other belief systems, like Kabbalah, which offers all kinds of guidance and protection to the well to do punter. Like the famous ‘Red String’:

The Red String protects us from the influences of the Evil Eye. Evil Eye is a very powerful negative force. It refers to the unfriendly stare and unkind glances we sometimes get from people around us. According to Kabbalah, the critical need to confront the problem of negative influences cannot be underestimated. Kabbalah teaches us that we can remove intrusive negative influences by using tools such as the Red String!

Ah well, and if negative campaigning and Voodoo practices won’t prove to be enough to win John McCain the presidency, he can always fall back on that other neocon strategy and spend the remains of his days in some weird and self-aggrandising fantasy world, where he can pretend that he did win the election and play at becoming as famous a fuck up as his pitiful predecessor:

(Monet: Sun breaking through fog)

I just watched the 30 minutes’ Obama ‘infomercial’ and I have to say that I was deeply impressed with the guy. I know that my normal stance on ANY politician comes close to that old Shakespeare quote: ‘A plague on both your houses.’ In my experience, politicians (need to) sell the most important bits of their soul to become successful in their (mostly very disgusting) trade.

Well, maybe Obama is one of those business-as-usual politicians and simply a better actor than most but it doesn’t feel that way. Against all my normal instincts & judgements - which, for my generation, have their roots in the final years of the failed Vietnam war, and Watergate, and the whole damned Cold War with its useless postering on both sides and its world wide filthy little wars and coups and torture etc - I feel that here, there just might be someone who is different.

I don’t know, of course - but I sincerely hope that time will tell; that he will get the opportunity to make good on these first impressions, or not, as the case may be.

Even without his candidacy, after the Rove/Cheney/Bush years, it would be a crime if the Republicans won - or stole - another term in the White House. With (what I’ve seen of) Obama as a possible president, it would be worse than a crime; it would be an obscenity.

Let’s hope that the polls are right, that potential Obama voters don’t get too overconfident to do their personal duty, that the Republican machine and all those new Conservative judges won’t manage to steal yet another election.

Let’s just hope.

There’s a new book out, called ‘Good Christian Bitches.’ With a title like that, I’m sure it will do well but I’m not really interested in the book itself.

What I was thinking was if it were possible to come up with a list of ten famous, if not necessarily ‘good’ Christian bitches.

I suppose you could claim that Margaret Thatcher was one:

Of course, some people like their monsters - sorry: good Christian bitches - a bit younger and better looking than the old dragon lady, so I’m sure that there are quite a large number of people who would immediately reserve the top spot on such a list for Ann Coulter or the Republicans’ latest pin-up pet, Sarah Palin.

Now me, I’m feeling much too lazy – and way too mellow – to try and think of ten women who’d be most deserving to make such a list.

So, I will leave that to you; meaning that I leave you with the question: “Who would be among your ten most famous and/or good Christian bitches?”

The one who comes with the most convincing (argument for a) candidate might receive a few pins, to stick in his or her favourite Christian bitch Voodoo doll.

What’s that? Oh well, if you insist…

Okay, me, I think I’m sticking with Ann. The devil you know and all of that:

(Any excuse for a party: The burning of Jan Hus)

A supermarket in Amsterdam has won a court case, enabling it to open on each Sunday of the year. Traditionally, it was illegal for shops to open on Sundays, because it was the Christian day of rest. Later, the trade unions were against shops doing business on Sundays, because of labour exploitation issues.

These days, both churches and unions have lost most of their power, so shops are finding ever more creative ways to be allowed to trade on Sundays.

This supermarket in Amsterdam has found an interesting loophole, which enables shops to open on certain types of holidays.

So, with the help of a truly spectacular international party calendar, they have found one special holiday for each and every Sunday in the year.

Like the Czech national Jan Hus day – a protestant leader who was burnt at the stake, by the way…

…and the Malaisean national holiday…

…and the Belgium hop fest.

Which means that this shop will indeed be open each Sunday of the coming year – apart from the actual Christian holidays, of course.

(Thaipusam: Coming to a supermarket near you?)

(On trial in Jordan)

America bashing has always been and will, most probably, always be one of the world’s most favourite sports – and, up to a point, that’s quite understandable and by no means automatically a bad thing. The USA is still the world’s biggest power and international player, so it’s not unreasonable to look at America with a critical eye.

Of course, at times that critical eye is swapped for a paranoiac’s stare (and the mad mumblings of a million ‘truther’ bloggers) but that’s just how the world wags its collective tail. Any person or state that enjoys a measure of wealth and/or power will automatically attract all manners of enemies, whether they are deserving of this or not.

Anyway, enough of these meanderings.

So, you may remember that bit of fairly inconsequential news that, as a new mayor of Wasilla, Sarah Palin asked how one would go about banning certain books from libraries – and most of us will certainly remember the brouhaha that followed the publication and subsequent banning from libraries of a book about two male penguins raising a chick.

Both stories were seen and much used as examples of how the evil right wing, fundamentalist Christians were trying to turn the USA into an Iranian-style theocracy.

Now, I’m not exactly a big fan of any form of organized religion and I do consider ALL fundamentalist faith-based ‘initiatives’ as inimical to the best interests of humanity, be they Christian, Muslim, Hindu or Hebrew.

However, while it is always fun to go another round with American evangelicals, it should be remembered that they are not exactly the world’s leaders when it comes to religious oppression. The true heirs of the Soviets’ system of corrupt and evil ideological trials are not the fundamentalist Christian leaders of an, as of yet mythical American theocracy but a score of very real and highly oppressive Muslim states – as the following article shows:

Jordanian police arrested a local writer on Tuesday for incorporating verses of the Qur’an, the Muslim holy book, into his love poetry. The poet, Islam Samhan, published his collection of poems, Grace like a Shadow, which allegedly insults the holy book. Samhan was charged with harming the Islamic faith and violating the press and publication law for combining the sacred words of the Qur’an with sexual themes. If convicted the poet could face up to three years in jail.

Ah well, talk about October surprises:

Two neo-Nazis plotted to embark on a killing spree culminating in the assassination of presidential candidate Barack Obama, American police have said.

Who would have thought that, of all those sixties hippy songs, modern day Republicans would have gone for Procol Harum’s Whiter Shade of Palin…?

You know, I love all things that go bump in the night – but I have to say that I’m not sure about this one:

Ever since Buffy the Vampire Slayer arrived on the scene, horror and showbiz glamour have been closely intertwined. Now two American artists have created the ultimate fusion of the two in a new calendar. Aptly called “My Zombie Pinup” the work is designed and produced by Shalaco Sching and Robyn Elizabeth Malter.

“We both really loved the campy playfulness and sex appeal that the traditional pin up embodied,” explained 27-year-old Mr Sching. “Adding the zombie element seemed like a natural next step. The challenge was to finding the balance between the gore and beauty. We consulted a lot of people before doing the production design and realised early on that hair, clothing and the garment malfunction were cornerstones of the pin-up.

As I said, I love the horror genre. From Stephen King and his son Joe Hill, to old Lovecraft and the punk goth gore of Poppy Z. Brite.

I can read the stuff anywhere and anytime – and I can’t say I’ve ever had a problem sleeping afterwards. On the other hand, I’ve never been so enthralled with the monsters that I ever fantasized about sleeping with them, so, I’m not sure zombie pin-ups are really me.

Still, I suppose it’s a must have for every true Sarah Palin fan.

There are many reasons why people take pets. Some do it for the children, some for the company – and some, I suppose, to combat those late night munchies, and for their fur.

What most who own pets – and those who do not – probably won’t know is that pets can also save your lives in many different ways. No, not in that highly annoying fashion of Lassie saving Timmy from drowning for the umpteenth time but as a type of general health and miracle workers.

Not that your cat will suddenly do boob jobs or your gerbil become a  liposuction expert but scientists have found that pets can cure or prevent a whole range of ailments, from depression to heart attacks, and from high blood pressure to various forms of cancer:

This month, a study by researchers from Stanford University and the University of California found that regular exposure to animals could reduce one’s chance of developing the relatively common cancer of the immune system, non-Hodgkins lymphoma, by almost one third.

Another study, conducted at the University of Minnesota and published earlier this year, concluded that cat owners were 40% less likely to suffer a fatal heart attack than people who didn’t have a cat.

So, imagine how healthy our societies would be if all of us would own pets.

Or, if the thought of all the midnight miaowing, the mountains of dog poo and the wails of millions and millions of children over the death of yet another defunct pet is slightly too much to bear, then just spare a thought for those who abandon their dogs in the woods, or throw them into rivers etcetera and rejoice that those sick bastards have thereby increased their chances of dying a gruesome death by a quite substantial factor.