Glob-a-log

You don’t need to be Sigmund Freud to notice that most men are breast-orientated, to the point of fixated – and for a lot of men, the bigger the breasts, the worse this gets. Here, we are forced to leave the field of Freud and enter the realm of Newton – with men gravitating towards their preferred heavenly orbs.

Anyway, all humankind has this tendency to overdo things, which, when it comes to men and breasts, takes on quite outlandish proportions – to use a thematic simile: the kind of proportions you  can only achieve when you’d staple Pamela Anderson’s tits to a chihuahua.

So, yesterday, we read about a Muslim hate preacher, whose daughter had become a pole dancer in London. Today, we hear the even funnier background story to this almost Dickensian ‘Tale of Two Titties’:

Hate preacher Omar Bakri Mohammed paid for a boob job which launched his daughter’s pole dancing career, it was revealed last night. He forked out £4,000 in cash for 27-year-old Yasmin Fostock’s bust-boosting surgery — while living on benefits in the UK. Bakri, 50, who rants about Western “depravity” and blasts women who flaunt their sexuality, secretly paid for Yasmin to increase her A cup size to a DD.

Last night a pal of single mum Yasmin said: “Her dad’s ashamed of her behaviour but she’d have never have become a pole dancer if he hadn’t paid for her bigger boobs. She was always self-conscious about her size and managed to convince him she should have it done. She played the daddy’s girl and said it would make her feel more of a mother when she was breast feeding her children. He went along with it and even went to the top London clinic with her where he paid for the surgery in cash.

Divine justice doesn’t come any better than this, I’d say – and if this only could come to pass, thanks to the generosity of the English social benefits system, I think most people would agree that this was money wisely and well spent.

The image of this stupid little man, who professed to loathe all things British, holding up his hand to receive his dole, only to blow it on fake tits for his daughter, who then becomes a pole dancer…

Well, as that Mastercard commercial goes: Priceless.

So, we’ve now seen how breasts can easily bring low the most fanatic of terrorist groupies – so what chance your very average, horny American teenage boy, in the grip of this both lurid and ludicrous fixation?

Answer: None whatsoever…

FOUNTAIN (AP) — A Colorado teenager hired men to kill his mother so he could use her money to get breast implants for his girlfriend, police said. Nikita Lee Weis, 18, was arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to commit first-degree murder, said Fountain Deputy Police Chief Mike Barnett. Weis’ mother, Hyun Weis, was attacked Thursday with a small wooden baseball bat at her home but escaped, authorities said. She was released Friday from a hospital.

I wonder what the boy’s lawyer will use as defence. Maybe something Freudian.

According to Freud, the roots of breast fixation lie in the act of breast feeding itself. You can then claim that an unhealthy, male interest in breasts derives from:

- the mother not breast feeding her child for long enough
- the mother not stopping with breast feeding soon enough or
- the mother not having breast fed the child at all.

Any of these three scenarios will do – especially when you’re a lawyer who wants to argue that it’s the mother’s own fault that her son developed this murderous need to buy his girlfriend a pair of fake tits.

As inbuilt excuses go, the good doctor will serve as well as any bearded & authoritarian God, when it comes to giving this world’s moral morons a blank ‘get out of jail’ cheque for any outrage they want to or ‘must’ commit.

(Of course, it’s the job of any civilised society to bung these people up regardless of the colour of their God’s or guru’s beard. For instance, if a mad bomber would tell the judge it was Allah’s will that he killed any number of infidels, the judge could tell him that, in that case, the key to the convict’s cell would be handed to Allah the moment He came down to the jail to ask for it in Person – and not one moment earlier, of course.)

(Omar Bakri Mohammed: “I want them this big…!”)

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This entry was posted on Saturday, September 27th, 2008 at 20:04 and is filed under Columns, Politics, Religion, Satire, Sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.