“Bush and Cheney tie the knot” (The truth behind the headlines)
1) ”Bush and Cheney tie the knot”
Which could be, in Republican speak, a ‘gay lifestyle’ thing - or, to use one of Oprah Winfrey’s favourite words, a death-of-Sadam type of ‘closure’.
2) ”Paris and Amy in Tinkerbell horror tale”
In which a teary Paris Hilton admits stabbing Amy Winehouse 69 times with one of her $250,000 Jagger Daggers, after a cracked-up Amy fries the Hilton chihuahua in the microwave.
3) “Global warming conspiracy revealed!”
Al Gore’s environmental plea deal was leaked to the Washington Post. Twelve charges have been dropped after Gore confesses that Michael Moore is the mastermind who invented the global warming threat to discomfort the Bush administration. The ex vice president made this confession during a private session with a special prosecutor, after worried scientists had told him that, instead of heating up, the planet would become encased in ice within five years, if CO2 levels wouldn’t rise with at least a factor of 666 and no less than one-and-a-half billion people would start smoking unfiltered cigarettes within the next few months.
4) “Traffic warden recruitment centre hit by suicide bomber”
Yesterday, the HSGM! (Health & Safety Gone Mad!) confirmed that one of its more radical splinter groups, the BTWSTNS!!! (Behead Those Who Support The Nanny State) was responsible for the suicide attack that cost the lives of 42 traffic warden recruits. A City Council spokesperson denied that 80% of the traffic wardens and wheel clampers had not reported for duty that morning. “Morale is still high,” the Council functionary insisted.
5) ”Space robot finds life on Mars”
A CNN breaking news story tells the world how one of NASA’s robots has sent back a series of pictures that prove beyond a doubt that there is a form of alien life on Mars. In these photographs you can clearly see a group (or family) of Martians watching old and slightly fuzzy repeats of ‘American Idol’ & ‘Who wants to marry a millionaire’. Which goes a long way toward finally proving that there truly is no intelligent life on Mars.
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