There is only one way to solve the Middle-East problem. The good news is: It is easy
(Jonathan Swift: “I have a modest proposal.”)
We’ve had almost as many wars (and proxy-wars) between Israel and its neighbours as treaties named after one city or the other: like Oslo, Madrid or places like Camp David. Egypt’s president Sadat went to the Knesset and was killed for his trouble by one of his own countrymen. The same thing happened to Israel’s Prime Minister Rabin, who was shot dead by some crazy Israeli settler.
Let’s face it, diplomacy has failed; war (in 1948 & 1967) has failed; terrorism and state violence have failed. This thing will not be settled in any routine, or complicated, let alone rational manner – so, it’s time to try something else. Something that both sides will have no trouble understanding.
For, yes, there is a solution and it is as brutal as it is simple:
Evacuate the whole disputed area and drop a couple of neutron bombs on it. That way you get the most radiation with the least amount of damage to the infrastructure possible. That will enable you to spare all those holy sites people get so het up about.
The good thing about these weapons is that the radiation breaks down relatively fast. In other words, this will leave you with a place where people can safely return to, within one or two generations.
So, let’s say you drop enough of these bombs to make the place uninhabitable for about fifty years.
In the meantime, you give visums to all those who have been evacuated from the area to whatever place they want to go and settle down, while waiting for things to cool off – as long as there is an ocean between the two factions, obviously.
Then, after fifty years, when it’s safe to return to the territory, you bring the two sides to the table, so that they can hash out a lasting deal between them.
If they don’t manage to reach an accord within two weeks, you drop another few neutron bombs on the disputed area and prolong everybody’s visums for another fifty years.
Repeat the process until both sides are ready to behave like sensible adults.
(Baldrick: “I have a cunning plan.”)
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July 14th, 2008 at 16:24
ha ha, that will definitely work. I can’t see any problems with that.
Typical human arrogance, “we are the only species that matter”. The earth, the other animals and the climate damage are irrelevant.
July 14th, 2008 at 16:28
Thanks for the comment, I suppose - but if the Jonathan Swift & Baldrick references didn’t give you a clue, you are truly beyond help, I’m afraid,
J.
July 14th, 2008 at 16:40
May I suggest that you NOT evacuate the populace before nuking the place. … That’s about as plausible as your “modest proposal”.
Nice hypothesis anyway.
July 14th, 2008 at 16:45
Thanks.
Well, Swift had the ‘modest’ proposal (eating the children of the Irish poor.) Mine hovers somewhere in between his modest and Baldrick’s ‘cunning’ plans,
J.
July 14th, 2008 at 17:56
Like Gerri said, I too recommend not evacuating the populace. Then you don’t have to deal with it in 50 years.
Those people are lost. There’s no saving them.
July 14th, 2008 at 18:26
Well, I kind of like the idea of these talks every 50 years. It would be fun to see how many meetings & centuries it would take for the parties to reach an agreement…
J.
July 15th, 2008 at 15:12
You know, I had the exact same thought. I only read the start, popped off for a shower and came up with the same solution. Except it’s plan B. The more rational plan A is to make the disputed “he’s our god” area into an international zone that neither side, or any one country really, is in charge off, no one lives in and can be visited by all. And if they don’t agree, plan B.
July 15th, 2008 at 16:38
Thanks for the comment.
Best place to contemplate holy places, of course: the shower,
J.