Glob-a-log

Just when you think you’ve heard everything (at least twice) fate decides to go all out with the sick humour high heels, the cheap irony moustache and the gotcha wig.

You couldn’t think this shit up if you were a born-again Republican senator caught with his trousers down in an underage male brothel:

DEEPWATER, Mo. — Officials are trying to decide whether to file charges against a Missouri man who fatally shot his wife while trying to install a satellite TV system in the bedroom of their home.

Patsy Long, 34, of Deepwater, died after being shot in the chest with a .22-caliber handgun on Saturday. Her husband, Ronald Long, fired the shot from the inside of their home after several unsuccessful efforts to punch a hole through the exterior wall using other means.

Henry County sheriff’s deputies said the woman was hit by the second of two shots fired by her husband.

You have to wonder though what the poor idiot would go and use when his zipper got stuck: a bayonet, dynamite - a torch maybe?

For those who didn’t know already, some time ago Neil Gaiman got his publisher to put up his novel ‘American Gods’ on the internet – for free:

It’s worth drawing people’s attention to the fact that the free online reading copy of American Gods is now in its last six days online (it ends 31 March 08). I learned this from an email from Harper Collins, which also told me the latest batch of statistics.

For American Gods:

68,000 unique visitors to the book pages of American Gods

3,000,000 book pages viewed in aggregate

And that the weekly book sales of American Gods have apparently gone up by 300%, rather than tumbling into the abyss. (Which is — the rise, not the tumble — what I thought would happen. Or at least, what I devoutly hoped would happen.)

The book is up at This URL, if you’re interested, or want to pass it along to a friend.

I have no great love for boxing – not for any type of flag waving – but I’m perfectly willing to make an exception in the case of British boxer Amir Khan.

In this case the enemy of a mad Islamist cleric is definitely my friend:

British boxer Amir Khan is setting a bad example to Muslims by wearing the Union Flag with pride, radical cleric Omar Bakri Mohammad has told the Sun.

“Amir Khan is not a good example for Muslims. He wears shorts with the Union Jack. That is a sin,” he told newspaper. “He should not be wearing the flag because sovereignty is for God. His only allegiance should be to the Prophet Mohammed. The ideal situation would be to have a Muslim team not registered to any state so he can represent the Islamic community.”

The Commonwealth lightweight title-holder, who is from Bolton, Lancashire, is draped with the Union Flag in photos on his official website and often wears shorts featuring the emblem.

Bakri has mentored a number of young Muslims who were later convicted of involvement in terror plots. Bakri encouraged his followers to train in boxing in order to help turn their ideological zeal towards violence. The cleric now lives in the Lebanon and has been banned from returning to Britain, although his wife and seven children still live in Edmonton.

So, fuck Bakri, obviously – and all the other pathetic hate-mongers. As for this cancerous cleric’s devout wish to have a stateless team of boxing Muslims, representing the Islamic community: well, he and anyone inclined to follow his poisonous lead could just drop dead.

There are, as they say, no pockets in a shroud – and neither are passports required to enter death’s most democratic domain. May we wish him Allah’s speed to reach this destination as soon (and painfully) as possible.

Long time ago, Bob Dylan sang, ‘You don’t need to be a Weatherman to know which way the wind blows.’

Wise words, no doubt but even his Bobness would not have been able to predict that one day research would show that, when it comes to predicting the more serious types of weather, sharks could be having our TV weathermen for breakfast – so to speak:

Their reputation is more fearsome predator than kindly weatherman. But sharks could be used to save lives by giving advance warning of storms, pioneering British research has discovered. A study of the creatures found that they can sense minute changes in air pressure and head for the safety of deeper waters when a storm is brewing.

A drop in air pressure - a sign of imminent bad weather - is mirrored in the pressure of the water. Sharks’ sensitivity to atmospheric conditions was first noticed in 2001 when the approach of Hurricane Gabrielle in Florida led to juvenile blacktip sharks fleeing from the shallow shoreline.

Lauren Smith, 24, a marine biology student, has carried out further research into the phenomenon in the Bahamas and at Aberdeen University, where she is completing her PhD. Miss Smith said:

“The shark’s inner ear is very similar to ours; if we go up in an aeroplane our ears pop due to the equalisation of pressures and the same thing goes on with a shark. There is a nerve which runs from the inner ear straight to the brain and relays pressure change information. They react to that. It’s an early warning system.”

Now, take a deep breath, close your eyes and tell me how you would picture your average correction officer – just the first few things that come to mind, if you please.

I’d bet the following image was not the first one to come to most people who followed the instructions set above.

It’s still a very nice and, dare I say picturesque story:

Prosecutors say a video shows a Connecticut correction officer running a 40-yard-dash in women’s clothing and high heels — at a time he had claimed he was too injured to work.

Garrett A. Dalton of Naugatuck has been charged with workers compensation fraud. He’s accused of taking part in a radio station’s contest for Hannah Montana concert tickets last year. Not only did he have to dress in drag but he had to carry an egg on a spoon.

Authorities were alerted after someone saw Dalton in a TV news report. Prosecutors say the 41-year-old collected more than $5,000 in workers’ compensation after he reported a work-related injury in June.

Poor guy – of all the correction officers carrying eggs on spoons in drag he had to be caught on video and recognized & shopped by some vindictive TV news addict.

If luck is a lady she sure can be a real bitch at times

In the West people live such busy, stressed lives. It’s as if all the rats in that famous old rat race are on steroids & speed these days.

So, people should really learn to relax again. Take up yoga maybe. Drink less coffee. Pick a hobby…

Police in Bethany are looking for what Chief Neal Troutman calls a “sick individual” who’s leaving notes asking for women to give him their underwear.

Troutman said the person is knocking on doors and leaving notes with specific instructions asking for the undergarments.

The notes say the women will be given $20.

Troutman says the person apparently has a fetish and police are worried about what he’ll do next.

I’m not sure about that last one. Not that I’m an expert on deviant behaviour – apart from following the careers of Bush, Cheney and other seriously disturbed lowlifes – but still, I’d say that as long as the guy leaves polite notes, offering to buy the underwear, the police could spend their time more profitably than worrying about this poor sod.

Talking about ‘profitable’, being Dutch I immediately thought of ways of making money out of this potential market. I mean, why not open a second hand underwear store – where people can bring in and take out their washed and unwashed linen, so to speak?

God know, there are still people out there who would willingly trade places with the likes of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and all the other witless wonders of the dim demi monde.

Still, even the most gullible & gormless groupie might think twice before she’d offer to take Amy Winehouse’s place when our favourite wasted junkie ‘du jour’ will hop on a plane to go clubbing in Holland soon:

AMY WINEHOUSE has been offered more than £350,000 to perform in “the weirdest club in the world”. That’s perfect for Amy, pictured yesterday buying a kebab after a prison visit to hubby Blake — and it’s set in the drug-soaked heart of Rotterdam, too.

Tycoon Arjan Tieleman has confirmed to the Dutch press that the troubled star is close to signing the deal and performing at the opening night of his new Rotterdam nightclub, Watt. He said: “It is as good as certain.”

And when the Dutch say this place is weird, they’re not joking. The club, which will open in September, will function using human power. The energy will come from urine and sweat from the visitors, and toilets will be flushed by rainwater.

Gods, there are times that I truly despise people.

Some folks are truly vile – like the inventors and promotors of the latest Internet game Miss Bimbo:

A website that encourages girls as young as 9 to embrace plastic surgery and extreme dieting in the search for the perfect figure was condemned as lethal by parents’ groups and healthcare experts yesterday.

The Miss Bimbo internet game has attracted prepubescent girls who are told to buy their virtual characters breast enlargement surgery and to keep them “waif thin” with diet pills.

Healthcare professionals, a parents’ group and an organisation representing people suffering anorexia and bulimia criticised the website for sending a dangerous message to impressionable children.

In the month since it opened the site, which is aimed at girls aged from 9 to 16, has attracted 200,000 members. Players keep a constant watch on the weight, wardrobe, wealth and happiness of their character to create “the coolest, richest and most famous bimbo in the world”. Competing against other children they earn “bimbo dollars” to buy plastic surgery, diet pills, face lifts, lingerie and fashionable nightclub outfits.

Damn. I hate fastfood and I loathe McDonalds - and yet, I just read a story about that bloody chain that really made me smile.

Maybe I’m getting sentimental - or perhaps it’s just that after months of following the American presidential elections the heart yearns for more positive stories, with less vile creatures in it, parading in front of the cameras.

Anyway, here’s the story of Luke Pittard. A lucky man - but much more importantly, a happy man:

It’s not the natural habitat of the millionaire. But if you visit a particular McDonald’s store in Cardiff, you’ve every chance of being served by one. Despite winning more than £1m on the lottery Luke Pittard decided to go back to work at McDonalds

He celebrated in the usual way, buying a new home and splashing out on a lavish wedding and holiday in the Canary Islands. Then he realised that he really missed his job. Mr Pittard and his girlfriend Emma Cox, 29, were working there together when he hit the jackpot. They hung up their uniforms and settled down to domestic-bliss in a £230,000 home with their three-year-old daughter Chloe. But 18 months later, the novelty of early retirement wore off.

“Lots of my old McDonald’s workmates came to our wedding and I had kept in touch with them all the time, so I just thought: ‘Why not go back?’” said Mr Pittard. So he asked to go back and couldn’t be happier, getting up at the crack of dawn to flip burgers for £5.85 an hour.

“They all think I’m a bit mad but I tell them there’s more to life than money,” he said. “I loved working at McDonald’s before I became a millionaire and I’m really enjoying being back there again.”

At times it is so easy to despair. Just watch the news on a regular basis. People can be so vile, treacherous, cowardly and stupid it almost defies belief – and that’s even before they come together and act as groups.

So, it’s such a blessing to come upon a story that fills you with happiness, pride – but above all, hope:

THIMPHU (AFP) - The Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan may lay claim to having the world’s most enthusiastic voter — a 65-year-old woman who walked 600 kilometres (380 miles) to cast her ballot. The woman responded to an appeal from the country’s king to embrace democracy as Bhutan shifts from absolute royal rule to becoming a constitutional democracy in Monday’s election, the Bhutan Times reported.

People were allowed to vote only in the place of their birth and thousands headed to remote villages to take part in the country’s first parliamentary elections ending absolute rule by the Wangchuck dynasty. Tshewang Dema said she preferred to walk because she suffered motion sickness after her first and only car journey four years ago, said the newspaper on the eve of the election.

“I didn’t want to lose my vote just because I couldn’t travel in a car,” Dema said. The 14-day trek from the capital Thimphu to the eastern Trashiyangste district also turned out to be long overdue homecoming. Dema’s cousin wept when she just walked into the house, unannounced, after four years, accompanied by her 13-year-old grandson.

The Election Commission allowed privately-owned vehicles to run taxi services to meet unprecedented demand for transport during the elections in the tiny nation of 670,000 people. Thimphu streets were deserted, shops were closed and cafes offered limited services on the weekend as people left for home in large numbers. Many people were returning home after several years, undertaking journeys through difficult mountain passes.

A woman said her sister came “all the way from Islamabad just to vote,” said Dilu Giri, senior manager of private hotel The Druk. The trip was costing her 2,500 dollars in air fares and accommodation. “But she said she wants to be part of history,” Giri said.

“Some (people) have taken loans to buy gifts for their families,” said Tashi Wangdi, editor-in-chief of the weekly Bhutan Observer newspaper. “This vote is reuniting families.”