The shrink and the garden gnome (Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar)
You know how psychotherapists can be. Obsessed with sex is how they can be. To quantify their obsession with this human need, think numbers. One psychotherapist is as obsessed with sex as a congregation of around 5000 Evangelical Christians – or, to use another kind of control group, about one third of a fourteen-year old boy.
And that’s seriously obsessed, my friends.
So, if, as an adult, you would decide to go see a shrink, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed for him. It’s just part of what he does: to translate every little thing you tell him into some phantasmagorical landscape even Salvador Dali would frown at.
For instance, you tell him about a dream you’ve been having, in which your stepfather tries to kill you with a garden gnome. When you’ve finished don’t be alarmed if your psychotherapist starts to drool a bit and then explains to you how, as a child, you wanted to have sex with the guy or (and here the shrink will try to give you a sympathetic look) that, for years, you were in fact sexually abused by your stepfather but have repressed this horrible fact up till now.
When the shrink has shared this with you, just nod and tell him how fantastic you think he is and that he’s the best you’ve ever had, etcetera, etcetera – and don’t try to tell him the much more mundane origins of this dream.
He wouldn’t believe you anyway. On the other hand, and to be fair to the shrink, not many people would. Even though the godfather of sexual obsession himself, Sigmund Freud, once admitted, that ‘Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.’
The same goes for garden gnomes, it would seem:
GREENSBURG, Pa. — A Greensburg man accused of assaulting his stepdaughter with a garden gnome early Wednesday was arrested, police said.
The teenage girl was hurt when Charles Morrison, 31, threw the gnome through a glass window, cutting her above her eye, police said. Police said Morrison, of Mt. Pleasant Street, came home drunk at about 4 a.m., cutting the telephone lines, punching holes in the wall and pushing his stepdaughter.
The girl claims she managed to push him out the back porch door, police said. A neighbor told police she saw Morrison throw the garden gnome through the window. Morrison was jailed on $25,000 bond, charged with aggravated assault, simple assault and harassment.
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