Glob-a-log

I read the news today, oh boy…:

The Beatles have finally opened their catalogue of music to advertisers after years of refusing to allow its use for the endorsement of commercial products.

Critics of the deal suggest the “sell-out” will cause a major denigration to the value of the music, with Beatles lovers crying foul over the types of ads the music could be used in.

All of which is of course brilliant news.

I have absolutely no idea what Ringo is up to these days, but Paul is going through an ugly divorce, so I’m sure he could use the money.

Plus, it will make for some great entertainment just trying to guess which company will pick us which song for one of its campaigns.

One could see, for instance, how the Michelin company would like to snap up the song ‘Michelle’. The Chinese Navy might be interested to buy the rights to ‘Yellow submarine’ (if only to forestall more lame jokes like this.)

I can already see Jane Fonda getting all teary-eyed and nostalgic - and eager to embrace another contoversial cause in her own trademark & tasteless fashion. ‘We can work it out’ is an obvious candidate for yet another one of her stupid exercise tapes.

Without any doubt the National Rifle Association will be the one to walk away with ‘Happiness is a warm gun.’

Many years ago Bill Clinton’s campaign song was Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Let’s start thinking about tomorrow‘. His good wife could well go for one of the Beatles songs. She might have to fight the Romney team for the right to use the song, since both their campaigns could easily be summed up with the catchy, little number ‘Can’t buy me love.’

It would also be nice if a MacDonald’s ad for their next supersize burger would have a team of Sumo wrestlers dancing in the street and singing ‘(Boy, you’ve got to) carry that weight.’

Finally, it would mean that the Viagra people can finally stop bombarding us with those spam mails. They can go ligit now and build a whole campaign round the song ‘It won’t be long.’

Yes, the next decade will be great fun, with Beatles songs selling everything from baby food to funeral parlours and coming at us eight days a week.

When we think of prisons we either associate them with movies telling horror stories about people being tortured in Turkish cells or with entertaining tales of daring soldiers escaping German World War Two prisons.

In either case prison life is not presented as something very attractive.

Still, it would seem that some people really like to be in prison:

A man who who was jailed for almost four years last September, refused to leave the “comfortable” cell because he was afraid of losing it to another inmate.

However, he refused to leave HMP Camp Hill, a category C training prison on the Isle of Wight. Julian Woodbridge, defending Ali, said: “Mr Ali refused to leave his cell this morning because he is comfortable there and doesn’t want to lose it.

“There is a shortage of comfortable prison cells in this country, so he was obviously keen to hold on to his.”

I suppose that in some cases being in prison isn’t that bad. When you’re homeless, for instance, and the weather is really bad, there are worse ways of spending your time than doing time. It is certainly true that many homeless people like to be in prison during the Christmas holiday season.

Still, I somehow doubt that the quite aptly named mister Richard Shackleton, who joined the ranks of the homeless only very recently, will be happy to be offered the opportunity to have all the left-over turkey he can eat at her majesty’s pleasure:

Returning to England’s bleak midwinter after a new year sojourn in the warmth of north Africa is a grey enough prospect on its own. For Richard Shackleton, though, the homecoming will be doubly difficult.

It is thought that Shackleton, a joiner, knows nothing about the fire; his mobile phone is switched off and he and his girlfriend are in Morocco. According to neighbours, the couple had gone there for the new year to celebrate the end of their three-year project to renovate the £115,000 house.

For some people though going to prison becomes quite mundane. To them getting sentenced for yet another term must feel like being a weather presenter in a certain movie. Yes, that one: ‘Groundhog Day’.

Or in this case, maybe ground horse day…:

SUPERIOR, Wis. - A Wisconsin man convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer has been sentenced to nine more months in jail.

Hathaway had just been released from prison for killing the horse when the deer incident happened. He is appealing his conviction on the deer charge.

‘Only in America!’ people tend to say, having just watched or read another weird news item - and then they shake their heads and smile their somewhat rueful (and smugly superior) smiles.

However, while it is certainly true that most of the world looks at America and Western Europe for this form of light entertainment, it’s not only in the West that you find people with more time on their hands than brains in their heads:

CAIRO: A woman is seeking clarification from a court on whether her husband’s declaration of divorce by text message is legally valid.

If a family court declares the couple divorced, it would be the first reported case of divorce by SMS in Egypt. The practice has been much debated across the Muslim world and some Islamic countries have banned it. According to Egypt’s state-run statistics bureau, a couple files for divorce every six minutes.

Isn’t it nice to see how many people still think the universe revolves around them? They don’t really live in a Copernican world. Their sense of entitlement is such that they firmly believe in the Gospel according to L’Oréal: ‘Because I’m worth it.’

Of course, people don’t merely think someone should always be ready to answer their phone calls. Enter the next person who thinks the whole world revolves around him - or at least one eager if slightly malfunctioning part of him:

A DIVORCEE has accused medics of breaching his human rights by prescribing him just one Viagra tablet a week.

George – whose marriage broke up due to his problem – fumed: “This is a ban on my sex life.”

Of course, some would argue that stories like these are simply proof that man has turned decadent and selfish.

‘If only man would turn back to God’, they say. It’s a comforting idea, of course. Just put your trust in the Lord and all will be well. In fact, it’s such a popular view that people are prepared to turn out in great numbers and vote for anyone who sells them this message.

‘The family that prays together stays together’ and all of that.

Well, perhaps not always:

DELRAY BEACH, Fla., Jan. 1 (UPI) — A Florida man says he hit his sister in the head with an iron so he could release the demons that he said were inside of her.

When they started to pray, Lagrandeur noticed Varemond “change,” she told police. He locked the doors and jumped on Lagrandeur and started biting her on her back and beating her head with the iron.

In a Guardian article called ‘Bring back the red-blooded bitch’ Julie Burchill complains that the art of being a perfect bitch is dead.

It is certainly true that they don’t make them like Dorothy Parker any more. She who once wrote,

‘If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.’

However, Marina Hyde (also of the Guardian) can hold her own when it comes to putting celebrities in their place, like she recently did with Naomi Campbell, the model who has a history of physically abusing her maids,

Horrid news from backstage at the Led Zeppelin gig, as Naomi Campbell’s spokeswoman is moved to confirm that madam lost her BlackBerry at the event.

She probably just left it in the back of a maid’s skull, but the most obvious place is always the last one you look, isn’t it?

Of course, you do not need to be a Dorothy Parker (or a Marina Hyde) to take a few celebrity scalps. Our modern celebs are so breathtakingly stupid and self-destructive even someone as vocally challenged as the current US president could find something choice to say about the Paris Hiltons of this world.

Which brings us seamlessly to the following story, about an old but still zestful gorilla in the Belfast Zoo:

An elderly but amorous female gorilla has been “put on the pill” by Belfast Zoo vets to prevent her becoming pregnant.

Although Delilah,”the grand old dame” of the zoo, is regarded as a gorilla OAP, her behaviour with her male friends continually belies her years.

The zoo’s vets have now decided that a pregnancy would be too dangerous for the lively primate.

The spritely 44-year-old is one of the oldest gorillas in captivity anywhere.

Belfast Zoo manager Mark Challis said that although Delilah was showing signs of arthritis, she was still in great condition for her age.

Now, I would not like to compare a decent gorilla pensioner with our more pitiful celebs. However, when the headlines in most all of the world’s newspapers dealing with the issue of who might become the one taking over from the fore-mentioned tongue-twisted prez have to compete in ‘glariness’ with yet another stupid celeb story, it maybe has become time for desperate measures.

So, if only Britney and the younger Spears sister, come to think of it, had been put on the same prescriptive medicine as the gorilla Delilah - from the age both of them started to walk - the following story could have been prevented:

Britney Spears and her younger son were rushed to hospital in ambulances today after a four-hour showdown in which she refused to hand over her children to former husband Kevin Federline despite a court order.

Aerial footage from a local television station showed Spears, surrounded by six police cars, a fire engine and hordes of paparazzi, stretchered out of her Los Angeles home and into a waiting ambulance at around 11pm (0700GMT Friday).

The gossip website TMZ reported that the singer - whose disintegrating personal life has been splashed across the world’s media - was under the influence of an “unknown substance”. Pictures on the website showed her smiling as she was wheeled away on a trolley.

Spears was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre on a “medical hold”, which, according to TMZ, means she will undergo a mental health evaluation.

Yes, indeed, yet another moving story of a trollop on a trolley and off her trolley.

Of course, in an ideal world it would have been Britney’s mama who’d been forced to go on a Delilah diet but ours is not exactly an ideal world and you can’t win them all.

Remember that lovely Olympic slogan from a few years back…?

The one that claimed, ‘You don’t win silver: you lose gold.’

Lots of people got very vocal about that and the International Olympic Committee immediately stated that the Olympic ‘family’ still lived by the original slogan, the one that claimed that partaking in the event was more important that winning medals.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where people really believed in that Olympic ideal?

The pity is, we don’t.

Our world is becoming more and more like the following story:

An essay that won a six-year-old girl tickets to a Hannah Montana concert has been exposed as a fake.

The essay began with the line: “My daddy died this year in Iraq”.

A spokeswoman for the contest’s sponsor said the girl’s mother told company officials her daughter’s father died in a roadside bombing in Iraq on 17 April.

The spokeswoman said Priscilla Ceballos had now admitted it was not true. The sponsor, Chicago retailer Club Libby Lu, is now reviewing the matter.

The AP news agency quoted Ms Ceballos in an interview with Dallas TV station KDFW.

“We did the essay and that’s what we did to win… we did whatever we could to win,” she is quoted as saying.

Okay, so that’s an other irritatingly long campaign dealt with. No, not the US presidential elections, which are still hotting up in an ever more irritating and in your face manner, like an old and rather rude nuclear reactor. No, just another festive season done gone.

So, it is time to get rid of the trees and the glowing Baby Jesus in His fluorescent little manger, ignore both our physical and spiritual hangovers and play that oldest of New Year games: ‘Spot the first one to break his or her New Year’s resolutions in a highly public and entertaining fashion.’

Human nature being as it is, we will not have to wait very long before some celeb has to go rehab again, or some politician will get caught with his trousers down or some city council planning officers will do something intolerably stupid:

A barber shop forced to advertise itself as a chemist because of planning laws has now been told it is breaching medical laws.

Rob Anderson and Dave Banks, of Trafalgar Barbers, have become trapped in an increasingly bizarre web of red tape.

During renovations to the property in Trafalgar Street, Brighton, a 1930s fascia was uncovered with “J. Barker”, “dispensing chemist” and “practical phrenologist” carved in ornate gold leaf writing.

They were then told by planning officers from the city council they must keep the old sign as it is protected by conservation laws - even though it advertised the wrong kind of business.

Then last week the barbers received a letter from the Royal Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain saying it was illegal to advertise themselves as a “dispensing chemists” when they weren’t.

The letter said it would take further action unless the sign, which contravened the Medicines Act 1968, was taken down.

Not that human beings show much more common sense individually than they do in groups, of course. The famous Darwin Awards will never lack for candidates.

Like toys made in China, promises made in Iowa & new Hampshire and Lindsay Lohan’s acting career prospects, common sense will sink faster than a tempest tossed Titanic, the moment someone says, ‘Did you hear about those two guys in New Mexico…?’

CHAPARRAL, N.M. (AP) - Two southern New Mexico men are recovering after accidentally shooting themselves while trying to trace a loaded .357-caliber Magnum as a pattern for a tattoo.

The Otero County Sheriff’s Department identified the men as Robert Glasser and Joey Acosta. Both are 22.

The sheriff’s department says deputies responded to the shooting in Chaparral on Thursday evening, but Glasser and Acosta were already on their way to a hospital in nearby El Paso, Texas.

Authorities say Glasser was struck in the hand when the gun accidentally went off. Acosta was hit in the left arm.

Oh, and just a small bit of advice, if you make your New Year’s resolutions, try to be a at least a little bit rational. If you’re a ten pack a day, twenty six-packs a day and a thirty KFC buckets of chicken wings kind of guy, don’t tell your loved ones and colleagues that 2008 will be the year you will finish the New York marathon - in anything other than a hearse, that is.

So, along those same lines, if you’re a none too bright, one-legged person, at least try to find a vaguely suitable occupation:

Berlin - A one-legged man who robbed a bank in Hamburg was apprehended after being pursued by staff members, police in the northern German port said on Sunday.

The 41-year-old, a Belgian, had held a knife to the throat of a customer in a branch of the local savings bank on Friday, extracting €1 050 from a member of staff, a police spokesperson said.

Two members of the bank’s staff pursued the man to a nearby shopping centre, alerting the police by cellphone.

Police apprehended the man in a clothes shop. A warrant had previously been issued for his arrest on a similar charge.

Anyway, we’ve done city council and individual stupidity. Which leaves us with one of mankind’s all time favourites: mass hypes & hysteria, fads-sans-frontiers and mondial madness:

Russian pet shops are reporting a shortage of domestic rats, as shoppers snap them up ahead of the Chinese New Year - the Year of the Rat.

Shoppers are said to be buying even mice, hamsters or gerbils. But vets warn that some unwanted rats will be released in the streets.

While Russia’s main religion is Christian Orthodox, Chinese astrology is a pastime for many.

Chinese New Year, based on the Moon’s cycles, begins on 7 February this year.

Rats are soft, charming and clean and do not need a great deal of care, traders say.

But “not everyone is going to be delighted to get a real rat as a present, and those that can’t house them will either return them to a shop, or release them in the streets,” said one Moscow vet quoted by the AFP news agency.

Mind you, if those Moscow vets are worried now about some rats being released in the streets, just wait till next year.

2009 will be the year of the ox.

(And since this coming year is an election year and most of the broken promises, unkept resolutions and much of the foolishness will stem from that, I will leave you with Bruce Springsteen and his ‘Born to run’:

I just read an article that made me shout at my poor laptop in rage and disbelief - and since I believe it’s only right and proper to spread misery around I’ll share this article and some of my (more publishable) reactions to it with you:

Boys in nursery schools should not be discouraged from playing with toy guns and other weapons, the government says. In guidance for nurseries in England, the Department for Children, Schools and Families says staff should resist a “natural instinct” to stop such play.

A natural instinct…?! Political correct wankership does not equal ‘natural’ or ‘instinct’.

It says role playing helps create the right conditions for boys’ learning and could help them become more engaged in education in the future.

Which is probably the purest and rankest bullshit - but if the kids are having fun, let’s forget about rational analysis or even sanity for the once.

Teachers have condemned the advice, saying toy guns “symbolise aggression”.

Remember the time when teachers were actually a force for the good in societies? That sure seems like a loooong time ago…

But the National Union of Teachers (NUT) has criticised the government’s advice on toy guns.

Oh, but how I love that acronym…

General secretary Steve Sinnott said the problem with toy weapons was that they “symbolise aggression”.

“The trouble with weapons is that the toy gun is often accompanied by aggression. The reason why teachers often intervene when kids have toy guns is that the boy is usually being very aggressive.”

Right. Make up your tiny fucking mind. Either we are talking symbolism or real aggression. Boys beating other boys over the head with plastic guns aren’t into symbolism all that much. If, on the other hand, the boy just points the plastic phallus thingy at another kid while shouting ‘Bang, bang! I shot you down!’ he may be a noisy little pest but hardly an aggressive one.

Chris Keates, general secretary of the NASUWT teachers’ union, said any nursery following the government’s advice risked angering parents.

“Many parents take the decision that their children won’t have toy weapons,” she said. “In addition to that, I think this is a clear example of gender stereotyping. I do not think schools should be encouraging boys to play with toy weapons.”

Oh dear, oh bother, oh fuck…

Where to start…?

Yes, I’m sure there are parents who dislike toy weapons. There are also parents who will force their own particular brand of dieting, religion, children’s literature and, no doubt, politically correct wallpaper on their offspring.

As a society we’ve given parents enormous leeway to raise (and damage) their kids in pretty much any way they see fit. It’s as the poet Philip Larkin wrote,

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

This, however, does not mean that schools should cater to all the irrational wishes of parents.

Oh, and that bit about gender stereotyping…? I need to take a few deep breaths here to avoid saying something along the lines of ‘Oh, get a fucking life, you mindless little PC shit-for-brains!’

I know that the useless little pricks and prickettes of NUT would love all children to be born without any upsetting differences at all. Like unisexless little Barbie & Ken dolls - let’s call them ‘BarKens’.

Well, children are no BarKens - and there are gender differences. That’s why humans come in more than one gender, you gormless, clueless nitwits!

On with the show…:

But children’s minister Beverley Hughes said the advice took a “common-sense approach” to the fact that many young children favoured boisterous, physical activity.

You know, it truly is a sad day for humanity when a minister of the Crown has suddenly become the voice of reason..

Many boys liked pretending to be superheroes or playing at “Star Wars characters with their lightsabres”, she said. “Although noisy for adults such imaginary games are good for their development as well as good fun.”

Then, of course, she had to spoil things by throwing in the obligatory health & safety like, PC response,

But she added: “The guidance also impresses upon staff the need to teach children that they must respect one another and that harming another person in the real world is not acceptable.”

Yes, right. Of course it isn’t. Shall we then do away with our armies and weapon industries too? Or just ban certain video games - and toy guns, of course? And ban the news altogether?

Give me strength!