Shitfaced lawnmowers, shitty piercings and shitting suspects
Men are lazy. We all know this. Men know this – and, more to the point, women know this. When Mrs caveman looked out of her door on a fine prehistorical Sunday morning, chances are that she would sigh and say to Mr Caveman, ‘But you promised me that you would mow the lawn yesterday!”
Things haven’t changed all that much since those early days and men still procrastinate when it comes to mowing the lawn. However, there is a very simple way to get your man to take that damn mower out. Just get him drunk.
The only downside being that you really would need to keep an eye on him…:
ADRIAN, Mich. (AP) — Authorities say a man ran through two bottles of wine, then cut through a snowstorm on his lawnmower, riding down the center of the street to reach the liquor store.
He told officers his wife had taken their car to work, and the mower was the only way he could reach the store two miles from his southern Michigan home.
Police told WLEN-FM Kozumplik’s blood alcohol level was 2 1/2 times Michigan’s legal limit of 0.08 percent. They arrested him on a drunken driving charge and confiscated the mower.
Another easy arrest, in other words. Chasing a drunk on a lawn mower must be only marginally harder than cuffing a garden gnome who’s been loitering with intent. Still, that’s how cops like it: easy. Cops don’t want challenges; they want their criminals nicely stupid and preferably incapacitated.
Like the guy in this next case. Who wants to chase some bloody burglar down the street or, God forbid, over roof tops? Neither do you need all the forensic hoopla with DNA or fingerprinting.
Though footprinting can be fun, of course:
It is alleged that a man who was trying to steal goods from informal traders in Cathedral Street, central Durban, impaled himself on palisade fencing.
ER24 paramedic Katya Evans said emergency services personnel arrived at the scene on Saturday morning to find the unfortunate man hanging upside down with one foot still impaled on the large metal rods, and an unlit cigarette hanging from his pursed lips.
“He had been trying to climb over the fence and both his feet had been impaled. During the course of the evening he had managed to free one foot. According to bystanders, he had been hanging on the fence for nearly 12 hours.”
“Sometime during the night someone had obviously felt sorry for him and given him a cigarette. It appears that no one was kind enough to offer him a light.”
She said that the man was treated once removed from the sharp fencing and taken to Addington hospital. The police are eager to speak to him when he leaves hospital.
Yes, I’m sure the cops would love to talk to him. If only to thank him for making their lives a little bit easier.
For as sure as Hell comes with ABBA songs and instant noodles, there will always be those who love to make cops as miserable as a bat in a blender:
A woman kicked a police officer in the groin then smeared her faeces across his pristine van, a court heard. “All hell broke loose” when Shirley Kirkman was arrested near her home, Lincoln Magistrates’ Court was told by the prosecution.
She went berserk - kicking the police officer so hard he was in considerable pain and unable to work for two days. But things got worse when she was put into the van, which had been dispatched from Market Rasen Police Station.
The 43-year-old pulled her knickers down and defecated in the back of the van - watched by another horrified officer. PC Steven Lingard said: “We switched on the extractor fan and she was picking up her faeces and putting it in the vents. This continued all the way to custody. At one point she stood up and urinated on the floor as well.”
But Kirkman didn’t appear intoxicated, he told the court. In her absence yesterday, Kirkham of Gibson Road, Hemswell Cliff, was convicted of assaulting a police officer and causing criminal damage. District Judge Richard Blake said he expected Kirkman would pay at least £300 compensation as part of her sentence.
A warrant, without bail, was issued for her arrest.
You know how they say that there is nothing sure in life, except for death and taxes?
Well, add a third one, for I’m pretty damn sure that the poor cops who will be sent out to rearrest that lady won’t be happy little troopers at all.
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