Glob-a-log

Whatever all the upstanding and well-meaning people say, crime does pay – and when you’re a columnist, looking for something to write about, criminals are worth their weight in gold. Especially stupid criminals.

Of course, it’s not just columnists who praise God or Darwin for the fact that so many criminals are as thick as a Paris Hilton quarter pounder with cheese. Cops also like their felons stupid – for God knows most cops aren’t Einsteins themselves. Take these German police officers, for instance:

A £75,000 BMW, which features high-tech surveillance equipment and sophisticated electronic locks and immobilisers to make it theft proof, was the pride of the Berlin police force.

But the police car was stolen in the Berlin’s Wedding district after officers left it unlocked with the key in the ignition when they jumped out to chase a joy-rider on foot after he had abandoned a stolen car.

The criminal got away and when the officers went back they found the expensive BMW gone.

So, cops who manage to get their theft-proof car stolen really do appreciate the fact that criminals at times manage to act even dumber than that.

Ever heard the one about confession being good for the soul? Well, a certain pensioner might have agreed – for a while. Till the cops came to arrest him, that is.

Which just goes to show that talking to animals might have done Dr Dolittle some good, but that talking to your average moggie can be as ill-advised as hiring Britney Spears as a babysit:

A pensioner is facing charges for the murder of his long-term friend after police recorded him allegedly confessing to his cats. Detectives investigating the death of Joyce Sutton were looking for leads in the case when they decided to secretly install listening devices in David Henton’s house and car.

They allege the 72-year-old, who denies murder, admitted to the crime during his mostly irrelevent musings to his feline companions. Police arrested the life-long bachelor, who lives alone in Skewen, south Wales, after taping him saying:

“They know I did it, see. What can I do now? I hit my Joyce. A bloody woman. Its too much, too much.”

Mrs Sutton was first thought to have been battered to death in bed on Jan 11, 2006 by a burgler, Paul Lewis QC, prosecuting, told Swansea Crown Court. But almost two weeks later, Mr Henton was recorded saying to his cats:

“So, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if they can prove it or anything. What am I going to say if they find anything?”

Of course, not all criminals are so obliging to confess to their crimes on tape. So, sometimes, the police actually have to try and do some detective work themselves.

A job, to put it mildly, for which not all that many coppers are particularly well-suited - because they can be sincerely and severely cerebrally challenged; like the PC plods & plonkers of the memorable market town Tewkesbury:

Lee Hicks was arrested for burglary when police found his fingerprints on locks at the scene of the crime. Officers swooped on his Tewkesbury home and held him in custody for three hours.

His frightened wife and two young children looked on in disbelief as officers rummaged through wardrobes searching for evidence at 6am on Wednesday.

He tried to explain to the police why his fingerprints were at the scene of the crime. But Lee was bundled into the back of a van and whisked off to Cheltenham Police Station

Police had found his fingerprints at the garage that had been burgled, and assumed he was their man. But mister Hicks, a locksmith, had been called to replace the locks the real burglars had broken.

Anyway, I started this column with a story about a police car and I shall finish with one as well.

Not all cops are so stupid to get their cars stolen, of course – and some police officers so love their appointed vehicle that they would never consider going anywhere without it. Not to take the car but leave it somewhere instead would be unthinkable to them.

Which, by the way, is not always the smart thing to do – but then, we already know that cops are to smart what Tom Cruise is to Oprah’s sofa:

A police officer was arrested after allegedly stealing and crashing a riot van from a high-security police station while drunk.

Metropolitan Police riot squad PC Geoff Jackson, 27, is said to have been found asleep in the wrecked van 10 miles from where it had been parked at Paddington Green, central London - the station where terrorist suspects are held. Officers woke him up and gave him a breath test.

The Mercedes Sprinter van had struck the kerb on the busy A40 near Perivale, West London, so hard that one of its wheels had been torn off. The incident allegedly happened after he returned to the Paddington Green police station, where the van was parked, following a work party at 3am last Friday.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008 at 16:16 and is filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.