A short, modern guide on dating Gods.
These days there are probably as many dating sites as there are corny opening lines - and most of former will be as useless to the desperate singleton as the latter.
However, how many of these sites deal with the problems that come with dating deities? There are billions of people who are members of the four largest religions: Christianity, Islam, Hinduism and Buddhism - but where are the manuals which would help them to date one of their Gods and/or principle prophets?
The sad answer is: They don’t exist. Or, better, they didn’t - for here’s a short guide on dating Gods.
Christianity.
Dating tips for women:
It is often said that Jesus loves all. That’s quite possible, of course, but that doesn’t make Him good dating material. The only women that feature heavily in His life are His mother and an ex-prostitute. The Bible doesn’t say anything about Him ever having gone on any date. (Though this might have to do with the fact that these dates went wrong very quickly indeed.)
Advice: Don’t bother.
Dating tips for men:
Many men have been there: you date someone and she is stringing you along for ever and ever amen. No hugging, no kissing, no nakedness and no sex, of course. She wants to stay a virgin till marriage. And then, one day, she will show up and tell you she is pregnant with someone else’s child. And she’ll claim it was God’s will and that’s she still won’t sleep with you because she wants to remain a virgin.
Advice: Run like Hell.
Buddhism:
Dating tips for women:
Sure, when he’s young the Buddha is a fun type: rich, easy-going - a bit of a playboy maybe but the marrying kind. Then, when you are married he will suddenly get a midlife crisis (but will call it ‘enlightenment’) and bugger off and leave you with the kids, the mortgage and a very empty bed.
Advice: Tell him to shove it or get some serious prenuptial deal.
Dating tips for men:
The only time that women are referred to in Buddhism it’s as Buddhist nuns.
Advice: Don’t go there.
Islam:
Dating tips for women:
They say Allah is great. We have no reason to doubt this but that doesn’t make Him automatically good dating material. With all due respect to Him and his volatile followers: Allah is a bit of a frat prat. His idea of Heaven: 72 virgins.
Advice: Tell Him to grow up and come back when He’s ready for the real thing.
Dating tips for men:
Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison or in some paedophile Heaven like Goa, don’t try to step into the footsteps of the prophet Mohammed (blessed be his name and everything, of course.) Dating and marrying and having ‘relations’ with nine years’ old girls is a bit frowned upon these days - and, quite frankly, your wedding picture will look more than a bit tacky.
Advice: Don’t do it.
Hinduism:
Dating tips for women:
Brahma is the Father of all. The great Creator. The omnipotent. The big cheese. Which sounds ideal for a certain type of women. However, these women should be aware of the fact that Brahma grew Himself five heads, so that He could watch all the women in the world that He fancied without ever having to turn His head.
Advice: Hopeless. Tell him to put all His heads where the sun won’t shine.
Dating tips for men:
Kali is the most powerful Goddess in Hinduism. At first glance She is the ideal woman for any guy with lots of sex on the brain. She walks around semi-naked, in a state of permanent intoxication, with wild hair - and has four arms and lots of clever fingers, and has a hungry and wicked long tongue.
On the down side: She’s in a permanent state of rage, wields knives, wears a necklace of male skulls and is most often portrayed as standing over the dead body of the God Shiva. On Facebook she calls herself ‘The destroyer.’
Advice: Don’t even fucking think about it.
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