Golden calves, golden plates & shit peddlers: The American presidential elections
Right, politics today - of a sorts. But first an introduction by a Man Who really does not need an introduction.
So, here’s Jesus - and He ain’t a happy little camper right now:
Jesus Christ, Son of God and long time Facebook user, has stopped accepting friend requests as ‘they’ve started getting a little strange’.
The influential philosopher and lay preacher started out with just a dozen or so friends, (though even then he had his doubts about one of them). ‘But the amount of people wanting to be my friend kept going up and up. I had loads and loads of people joining which was great at first. But now most of the people who want to be my friend seem, well, just not my sort of people to be honest.’
Jesus has resolved to try and break into a whole different crowd and is going to request that he be accepted as a friend of Mohammed. ‘I’m just putting his image up there now – hopefully things will quieten down after that…’
So, back to politics - and the ongoing bore fest that is the US presidential campaign. It already feels like those forty years that Moses and his followers spent in the desert, on their way to the promised land.
Moses would be the first to agree that there’s nothing like a too long journey to bring out the nutters. Just take a couple of wrong turns and before you know it all of your people are dancing around golden calves and talking crap about food falling from the Heavens.
And it truly is a small step from desert-mad folks praying to gold statues of some damn farm animal to Josef Smith and his Golden Plates, which he received, by the way, without ever getting the joke, from an angel who called itself ‘Moroni.’ There actually is one born every minute…
Which brings us back to the election campaign where yet another Moronic Plate holder has given a “Kennedy speech.” San Francisco based columnist Jon Carroll was not terribly impressed:
The trouble is that Romney does want to weigh faiths. Or, at least, lack of faith. Here he is in the famous speech about his Mormon religion that mentioned the word “Mormon” only once: “Freedom requires religion just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone.”
Jeez, I’d think just the opposite is true - that freedom rather specifically does not require religion, because freedom concerns the right to be, you know, free. Mitt is free to believe in Joseph Smith’s revelation and wear his holy singlet; I am free to believe in charity, kindness and peace without attaching it to any supernatural being.
I am free to use anything at all to open the windows of my soul. If it happens to be the sight of a golden retriever on the beach at Limantour at sunset, they’re my windows and it’s my soul and government has nothing to do with it. Mitt Romney does not get to define the terms of my enlightenment - or, indeed, my freedom to ignore enlightenment if that’s what I choose to do. Because it’s freedom.
I am not yelling.
Indeed - and neither are the rest of us mumbling things like ‘More open limousine rides please’ or ‘Where is the Dallas police when you really need them?’
Not that peddling shit is something that is unique to politics. Politicians may be awfully good at it but there are others who want to get into that game as well:
A unique Christmas gift, Indian rhino poop, is available on ebay.com, worth $600 at time of posting.
Each specimen of rhino dung has been properly dried and sealed in an attractive container featuring the name of the rhino species that produced it.
You can bid on Greater One-Horned (Indian) Rhino dung at this listing, or visit one of our other three listings to bid on poop from Black Rhinos, White Rhinos, or the incredibly rare Sumatran Rhinos.
Of course, the muck rakers and shit salesmen are quite right: humans can be incredibly stupid. There will always be a healthy market for whatever Brooklyn bridge will be on offer at any given time.
So, bring on those golden calves and we will dance. Enter the angel Moroni and we will swallow any kind of gilded crap.
Just promise us some good times, and however unlikely or moronic your spiel, we will fall for it like lovesick lemmings:
A New Zealand man thought he was in for an early Christmas present when he got an alluring text offering him the friendly company of two young women.
They invited him around for some close attention, helpfully suggesting he get his gear off to save time. So off he went, reached the house, and threw his clothes through the front window prior to entering.
Trouble is, it was all a joke and the householder wasn’t two little lovelies pining for passion, but someone else altogether - who promptly called the police.
The constabulary duly arrested the 31-year-old intruder.
If you enjoyed this post, subscribe today to get free updates by email or RSS.
