Glob-a-log

Some claim God is dead. That, of course, would make the much-hyped ‘war on Christmas’ slightly tacky – like the opposite number of necrophilia…

Still, whatever the ultimate state of the Almighty One, religion, of course, is very much alive. People see Jesus (and/or His momma) in trees, tapestries, cheese sandwiches and flapjacks. God truly seems to be omnipresent – if not exactly mindful of the calories.

Some of these appearances may be more worrying than others though:

On Thursday, one man said he saw Jesus in an X-ray he had taken of himself at a doctor’s office.

After experiencing chest pains, Farinas went to Homestead Hospital. While he was there, physicians ordered an X-ray of his chest.

Some say what that X-ray revealed could be a message from a higher power.

“Last night I checked and see the face of Jesus Christ there.”

You know, maybe Jesus was just trying to say, “Stop smoking the funny weeds and I’ll stop messing with your lungs.”

Talking about the omnipresence of the Lord:

Pauline Jacobi was leaving Wal-Mart when a strange man got in the car with her. The man told Pauline to give him her money. Pauline found the strength to stand her ground.

“I told him no,” Pauline said. “I’m not going to give you my money.”

The man threatened to kill Pauline but she wouldn’t give in.

“I said, ‘As soon as you kill me, I’ll go to heaven and you’ll go to hell. “I said, ‘Jesus is in this car and He goes with me everywhere I go.’”

That’s when something miraculous happened.

“He just looked around and tears began coming to his eyes,” Pauline remembers.

Jacobi ministered to the man for ten minutes and ended up giving him ten dollars, but she also gave him a warning.

“I told him, ‘Don’t you go spend it on whiskey either,’” says Pauline with a laugh.

Pauline’s ministering to the would-be thief seems to have helped.

This does indeed prove that miracles still happen, for usually women who minister to a sinner’s needs in cars are the ones who walk away with the money.

Far from me to slight this bit of divine intervention of course, but where was Jesus when the Enron people took the whole of the US for a ride?

Still, while Jesus is harassing petty thieves, some of His followers are after much bigger game. Enter the wonderfully strange minds of the ‘Jesus loves porn stars’ crowd:

Five years ago, Craig Gross, also a seminary-trained evangelist, created an online fellowship called XXXChurch.com.

The fellowship’s title was designed to attract attention, and it was originally intended as a resource for Christians who were struggling with pornography. They traveled with the fellowship to the world’s biggest porn convention in Las Vegas last month. The annual Adult Expo boasts two halls full of various exhibits ranging from the latest prosthetic devices, to hardcore high-definition films and handcuffs covered in pink ersatz fur.

The XXX Church set up camp, somewhat sheepishly, between the male gay section and the so-called Bang Bus — a tired old minivan which is used to film sex scenes that are then sold via the Internet.

The Porn Pastors, as they call themselves, do not preach in open-air sermons at the convention, but instead seek to engage porn “delegates” in conversation and then hand out Bibles, which proclaim “Jesus Loves Porn Stars.”

Lovely.

Maybe Jesus should take (or drop) a fig leaf from the book of these good folks – and His miracles need some upgrading anyway. That whole thing with the loafs and the fishes is terribly old hat. As He should have known like no-one else, ‘Man does not live by bread alone.’

What’s more, who needs to go traipsing down to some lake for a fish sandwich when almost all food outlets do home deliveries?

No, if you want to reach the masses and do a bit of good at the same time, you need to go the E-bay route.

In fact, Jesus really should love porn stars, for verily, they could teach Him a few out-reaching, crowd-pleasing tricks:

LOS ANGELES, Dec 4 (Reuters) – Porn star Mary Carey, who shot to fame by running for California governor against Arnold Schwarzenegger, unveiled plans on Tuesday to auction off her autographed, recently removed breast implants for charity.

The autographed implants have been placed on eBay and Carey, whose real name is Mary Cook, said she planned to donate some 90 percent of the proceeds to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

She intends to use the rest of the money on medical bills for her mother, who suffered major injuries after jumping off a four-story building in 2006.

Bless.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, December 8th, 2007 at 23:09 and is filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.