Seven things to do to stay warm in the Arctic zone (Yes, that one too…)
So, let’s say you decide to go on some Polar expedition and you get stuck in the middle of absolutely fucking nowhere. Or let’s say you are not such a frigging idiot but just happen to live way up North – let’s say in Toronto, Canada.
In either case it will be important to find ways to keep warm during the long, long winter. So, here’s a little list of things that will help you to do just that:
1) If you’re a certain type of Christian (or Muslim) bring books, lots of books. Harry Potter and the Satanic verses; Freud and Stephen King; The Best of Playboy and Richard Dawkins - and then burn them. Just remember to bring enough copies. It would be so traumatic if you were forced to burn the family Bible or Koran just because spring came a bit late that year.
2) Bring lovers – a serious few handfuls of lovers. At least one athletic type, and one with stamina. One who’s pretty but dumb and one who’s a lousy lay but can talk about books. A fat one for emergencies and a tall one to get things from places you can’t reach. One who shut ups and let you talk at all the right moments and one who makes you shut up and stop talking at the right moment. And a few disposable ones to kill off during those long, long nights that you feel more than usually disgruntled.
3) Make sure you bring enough sexy looking underwear. Splash out on reds. Penguins love to dress up in sexy underthings, so you will end up spending many a busy morning chasing the little buggers when they’ve gone and dressed up in your things again. They are slippery and faster than you think, so chasing them is a great get-all-het-up exercise.
4) Apart from burning books it’s also a good idea to burn lots of candles and lamps. Whale blubber is the absolute best for this but it’s not easy to kill a whale or to carry it home. So, club some seals instead. They are much easier to kill but it will still be a good work out session, cause they’re not all that easy to handle when they’re dead. There’s also the added bonus of having to beat off other hunters and the odd, offended Greenpeace campaigner. All in all, the preparation and burning of seal blubber lamps will keep you warm quite effectively.
5) Train a polar bear to open the doors for you. You don’t want to leave your warm bed & lover to do this yourself. Also, it’s great fun to watch a polar bear deal with Jehovah’s witnesses.
6) Order lots of pizza from joints that promise to deliver it to your door hot, with a money-back guarantee if they don’t. You’ll get all warmed up, shaking with laughter in your seal (of Jehovah’s witness) skin coat, just watching those dorks on their little scooters trying desperately to make it to your place in time over the slippery ice & snow, getting attacked by polar bears, seal hunters and angry environmental groups. Most importantly, it’s particularly heart-warming to know that they will never make it in the promised time, so that you can keep the pizza and send the little scooter dork back into the cold without any money to show for his efforts.
7) Be bad. Be very bad. Treat the lovers you brought with you like shit. Be mean to you polar bear doorman, kick penguins and torture the odd walrus and encyclopedia salesman. Then make fun of fat guys with beards and small creatures with wings. That will guarantee that Santa and his elves will put coals in all the stocking you’ll hang up for them to fill. And all that coal will come in handy if you run out of books or seal blubber to burn.
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