Dicks, dickheads and dicks with knives
You know how the tabloids always complain that prison is a soft option? That inmates are watching TV all day, that there are more drugs floating around in her Majesty’s facilities than in Pete Doherty’s body and Kate Moss’s handbag combined and that, over all, prisoners have a better life than even the most pampered pet?
Well, maybe that’s true for some. Others though become so desperate that climbing the walls won’t do the trick anymore. They – well, read it for yourself:
A prisoner at HMP Bristol has been treated for deep laceration wounds after cutting off his penis with a razor blade. A prison service spokeswoman said:
“We can confirm a prisoner at HMP Bristol has seriously self-harmed. He was treated in hospital and has now returned to the prison.”
By the way, if you were wondering why the guy was in prison in the first place…:
The inmate is serving an 18-month sentence for possession of a knife.
Which makes you wonder if he will now have to serve extra time for possession of a knife in jail…
Not to digress, by the way, but remember what the Good Book said about temptation:
‘If thy eye offend thee, put it in the blender’ (or some such.)
Well, unlike the above-mentioned & -mutilated prisoner, most people are not really that much into DIY.
So, it’s just as well that the Bible also talks about the kinds of punishments a seriously pissed-off community can mete out to its ne’er-do-wells.
The old ‘eye for an eye’ routine and all of that.
Which, in the case of a mister Michael Carney, might mean that he could soon honestly say that he ‘feels the pain’ of our knife-wielding comrade from above:
A jury at Teesside Crown Court convicted father-of-two, from Stockton, Teesside of seven counts of outraging public decency. The jury was then told he was earlier found guilty of five sexual assaults.
Michael Carney, 41, a quality inspector for a plastics firm, claimed he could not be guilty because he was too embarrassed about the size of his manhood to expose himself to women.
“My genitalia are underdeveloped and it is so much smaller than average.”
He showed the jury photographs taken by his wife to prove his claims. The jury convicted him anyway.
After hearing about these first two cases one could be forgiven for thinking that nothing much could ‘improve’ on these stories in terms of sheer embarrassment or painfulness.
One would be wrong though.
Very, very wrong…
I mean, God help us, but talk about some people who really should serve quite a bit more than a 18-month sentence for possession of a knife:
A surgery meant to reverse a colostomy on a Dover man went horribly wrong last year, resulting in fecal mater being discharged from his penis and urine passing through his colon, according to a lawsuit filed in Superior Court.During the procedure, the suit alleges doctors at Kent General Hospital improperly stapled the colon to the bladder instead of the rectal stump. This left the patient with diarrhea, as well as gas and liquid stool passing from his penis.
The man was taken to Christiana Hospital 12 days later to have the procedure corrected, but not until after much suffering and embarrassment as well as “disfigurement and disability,” the suit claims.
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