Let’s get naked: sex crimes & misdemeanours
Thursday, November 1st, 2007 
You know that it’s not exactly nice to be woken up by some rude alarm, telling you the world of work and other ‘to do’ stuff is waiting.
So, if you’re tired of setting your alarm, just hire a half-naked Czech…:
A half naked man up a tree sparked a major police operation after he refused to come down.
The Czech national woke neighbours by crying and howling like a wolf when he climbed the tree in Cathays, Cardiff, early today. Martin Townley, 43, of Cathays Terrace, first spotted the man hiding between the leaves of the large tree after he woke him up.
“I came out to have a chat with him but he just said ‘leave me alone, it’s my tree’.
“When I shouted at him a bit to try and tell him to be quiet, he said ‘that’s a bit inappropriate’. So I called the police.”
Needless to say, the police acted with their usual … well, I’m lost for words really…:
The man sat on a lower branch of the large tree about 15 feet off the ground opposite the Lidl store for two hours and finally swung himself down at 8.30am.
Officers wrapped him in a blanket and he was checked over by ambulance crew before being taken away in the police van.
South Wales Police confirmed the man was a Czech national and that they had closed the road because there was a half naked man up a tree.
At one point he also tried to take off his trousers but a police woman convinced him to keep them on.
It is nice to know that in any real emergency the police will always be on hand to hand out the odd blanket.
Yes, you can always expect the police to show themselves in the best light when they are in hot pursuit of a naked man:
Police were called after a naked runner was seen darting between traffic on the Great North Road
The streaker was spotted being chased by police around Newcastle’s Town Moor.
And when the officer failed to catch him, the nude man turned the tables on them and started chasing the officers.
Walkers passing through the moor could barely believe their eyes as watched the 10 minute chase.
In America police officers have less problems collaring naked criminals than their British colleagues:
A 24-year-old man was arrested in Pennsylvania for holding up a convenience store wearing nothing but a hat.
The store clerk refused to give Wagner any money and instead dialled 911. Wagner then fled the store empty handed.
Wagner was charged with the offence after being questioned by police for allegedly exposing himself to two women in his apartment block.
When asked why he had robbed the store nude, Wagner said: “Because I was bored.”
Mind you, American criminals seem to be even more stupid than their English counterparts, so it is not that hard for American cops to be better at their job than the average English bobby:
CCTV footage showed Carl Wagner entering the Carbondale convenience store naked and covering his manhood with his hands.
How incredibly endearing – and male. You enter the store naked. Then you spot the security camera. So, you then cover the part you think will be most easily recognized in any identity parade…? Ah well.
Most of the times, of course, crimes are not committed in the buff. That doesn’t mean nakedness doesn’t play a certain part. Like some idiot once took a pot shot at Reagan to impress Jodie Foster, so other criminals do their stuff to impress their babes. Like the following news story shows:
Two Irish priests accused of misappropriating millions from a Florida church had formed a mortgage company with another priest called Shag Inc.
The two men are accused of using offertory dollars to keep girlfriends, take gambling excursions and foreign holidays, and buy property.
It has emerged the two pensioners invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in Shag Inc, a failed mortgage loan scheme. Records show it was formed in 1984 and dissolved a decade later.
The third priest has been named as Michael Hickey, a priest assigned to several parishes in Florida, who had a long history of drink driving.
And then there are crimes that are committed by fully clothed men, who have no intention to get naked afterwards but who – who – who…
You know what? I give up. There is no way to introduce the following story in a manner that does it proud.
So, I’ll just leave you to it:
A man accused of robbing a Belfast lingerie shop at knifepoint has fallen back on a time honoured defence – namely, his claim that he believed he was a female elf at the time.
Belfast Crown Court was told by the prosecution that 45-year-old Robert Boyd from Broadlands, Carrickfergus had held up the shop, Orchid, while disguised in a wig, hat and sunglasses. He allegedly made off with bras, knickers, stockings and suspender belts.
However, Boyd’s defence maintain that at the time, Boyd believed that he was a elf, having been playing the cyberpunk role-playing game Shadowrun.
More specifically, he believed that he was a female shaman (meaning a natural magic user) elf named Beho, and that he thought he was armed with a samurai sword. Boyd admits that he may have ‘blurred reality and fantasy’.
