Glob-a-log

You know, people can be stupid. I mean, incredibly, mind-bogglingly stupid.

Take this idiot.

Would you hire this guy? He’s honest. We have to give him that. Stupid though, quite unbelievably stupid:

Police are investigating after a man who claimed to have “great international contacts” posted an ad on a job networking website.

“I’ve gathered valuable experiences in building connections in Europe and the USA for many years.

“During training in Afghanistan I gained experience of other cultures working inside major international organisations. I have a lot of experience in co-ordinating projects.”

The man said he was a reformed terrorist.

Cute, isn’t it? I can imagine the ad some other guy might place:

‘Dear Mr. president, I would like to become your personal secretary. I would be perfect for that position, since over the years I’ve sent at least a hundred Anthrax letters to various government agencies.’

Sometimes though, people are not happy to be merely stupid. No, they insist on being terminally boring and priggishly politically correct as well.

Like Guy Richie and his wife Madonna:

To London’s vomit-flecked Leicester Square, where Guy Ritchie surfaced briefly from the skip of obscurity last night to escort two junior members of his family to the UK premiere of Fred Claus - and to announce that after a recent clampdown, his and Madonna’s is a household of festive humbuggers.

“We cancelled Christmas a few years ago,” Guy informed reporters. “We stopped all the presents, and since then we’ve really enjoyed it.”

Whether this was done in accordance with the couple’s devout adherence to celebrity fake Jew cult Kabbalah we do not know, but the turn-of-the-century movie operative - director? was he? - suggests his brood do not know it’s Christmas time at all. I know, not even the one they got from Africa. Isn’t it just so sad? It’s like two fingers to everything Bob Geldof was fighting for.

Of course, there are those who are truly beyond the pale.

They’re stupid, boring, disgusting and insanely egotistic to boot. I suppose all celebs can be like that but this one really takes the coke-flavoured & come-stained cake:

He may be notorious for his pervy ways with the ladies, but according to a story in the New York Daily News, Charlie Sheen’s preferences aren’t limited to the real article. Rush & Molloy report that the actor once proudly owned a $6,000 full-sized, anatomically-correct cheerleader doll.

Apparently Charlie didn’t see anything wrong with his latex lady. An insider told the publication that he even brought her along to the “Spin City” set back in the day. But all that changed when Charlie offered a couple of real live women the chance for a foursome with him and his inanimate pal.

“They couldn’t stop laughing at him,” the source told the Daily News. “Charlie got so mad that he ran the girls out of his house. Then he took a meat cleaver and chopped one of the doll’s hands off. He and his bodyguard tried to dispose of it, like it was a real body. They wrapped it in a blanket and drove around in the middle of the night till they found a dumpster.”

But was it really rejection that made the former escort agency serial-client go axe murderer on his cheer-squad reject, or ribbing from his friends that the doll bore a striking resemblance to ex Denise Richards?

So, what should we give all these useless little drones? Something traditional? Something with chocolate?

Something like this?

Is it a raunchy festive talking-point? Is it a work of art? Whatever it is, the $100, 10in tall chocolate Santa with Butt Plug is the talk of chic New York - and is delicious, even if the sugar rush could keep you awake.

Or no, wait. what better gift for these blathering toss-pots than this…?

When doctors warn of the dangers of binge drinking, exploding bladders may not immediately spring to mind. However, last week a report in the British Medical Journal (BMJ) made alarming reading. In the report, the medics discuss the unprecedented appearance in emergency wards of women who have suffered alcohol-induced “bladder rupture”: their bladders have quite literally torn apart under pressure of a big night out.

There are over 28,000 hospital admissions as a result of alcohol misuse each year, and 22,000 premature deaths because of it. But even so, it must surely be hard to drink so much that your bladder bursts?

Until now, certainly, doctors expected to see bladder rupture only in people with abnormal or previously damaged bladders, or in men - who were more likely to be hardcore alcoholics. In fact, alcohol-induced bladder rupture was considered an exclusively male problem. However, women are now catching up with men when it comes to drinking: 86% of women, compared with 91% of men, consume alcohol regularly. This drunken equality is starting to produce some serious side effects in women too.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, November 29th, 2007 at 23:36 and is filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.