One for the money, two for sex shows…
It is a strange fact that, although many people enjoy to watch movies or read books about crime capers, they do not like it when they read about it in their morning papers. So, while they may root for Jesse James or Billy the Kid, they turn into hanging judges when real life criminals enter their own cozy, little worlds.
Admittedly, some crimes are quite awful – and they don’t even need to be major crimes technically to be utterly despicable.
One would have a hard time coming up with a punishment that would fit the following crime – though ‘hard time’ would only be the start of it, in many people’s minds:
A bank cashier has been caught stealing from children aged between one and nine. They handed her their piggy banks full of pocket money and she credited their savings accounts with less than was in them. The case has shattered the children’s faith in banking.
A female German bank cashier has been convicted of stealing money from children’s piggy banks and ordered to pay €1,800 to a charity.
The 45-year-old woman, who has since lost her job at a savings bank in the southern city of Augsburg, received a suspended six-month sentence. The public prosecutor’s office had sought a tougher penalty for a crime it called “deeply immoral.”
‘Let the punishment fit the crime’ is, of course, a nicely Old Testament way of doing things - like cutting off the hands of thieves.
‘Vengeance is mine.’ said the Lord, which is all very good and well, of course, but He might have provided us with a bit more detail.
God knows there’s enough in the Book about stoning women to death or bears killing children who dared to say ‘baldie’ to one of God’s prophets but the good Lord was uncharacteristically quiet about, for instance, certain vehicular crimes:
Sandy Wong gets turned on by expensive and classic cars, and really likes to expose himself in public.
Court heard Wong was observed checking out three BMW vehicles on display at the Home and Garden Show on March 22. Then, he was seen sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan, valued at $50,000.
Shortly after that, Wong had dropped his sweatpants to his ankles and was spotted masturbating while sitting with his legs dangling over the driver’s door window. Security eventually detained Wong until police showed up and a cleanup crew had to wash down the BMW.
According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is “sexually attracted” to the BMW’s rooftop because “it’s curved like a woman’s body, the sex appeal, it felt good.”
Woods said Wong reported he also gets aroused by other cars, including a 1967 Camaro and a 1955 Chevy Bel Air, and blames the owners for buying the cars because it tempts him to “pleasure” himself.
Court heard Wong was also arrested May 24 for jumping on a 2005 Mini Cooper outside the downtown Boston Pizza, dropping his pants and proceeding to “tuck, rub and bounce his naked genitalia” on the hood of the car.
He also admitted climbing onto the roof of a 1991 Buick Century parked at the rear of a south-side home, taking off his clothes and masturbating on June 12.
So, what punishment would be deemed suitable there? A perplexed judge might want to go for some kind of community service but there’s the rub: working at a garage or at a car wash doesn’t seem to be quite suitable somehow.
Still, if it would have to involve cars, maybe we could combine this case with a few other car and head cases that lately made the news. So, yes, maybe we should punish the guy by making him the lifelong designated driver of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.
Though even this none too liberal Court of Justice might conclude that this would count as a ‘cruel and unusual’ punishment.
Talking about cruel and unusual: the following crime was certainly that. Not quite as bad as stealing money from babies maybe but just imagine the following scenario being played out:
You’ve just heard how some evil witch who stole all your money wasn’t even sent to jail, so you return from your day in court already deeply disillusioned by the justice system and humanity as a whole.
So, the only thing you really want now is a cup of hot chocolate or some ice-cream and to cuddle up with your favourite stuffed toy – and then you come home to this:
A defence lawyer told the court that his client, who has a history of domestic violence offences and court breaches, gets himself into trouble when he has been drinking.
“All (his offences) involve being drunk, usually drunk as a skunk,” he said.
The 27-year-old man pleaded guilty to mischief and break, enter and theft and was sentenced to six months in jail.
Court heard Winnipeg police were called shortly before 6 p.m. on March 26 after a Chelsea Avenue resident spotted the man breaking into her garage. The man exited the garage a short time later and moved on to a neighbour’s garage, where he stole a lawn mower, a mountain bike, a blanket and a stuffed toy dog.
The man eventually returned to the first garage, where police found him nearly two hours later passed out inside a boat.
“He was lying there with his genitalia exposed next to the stuffed dog,” said Crown attorney John Peden. “While the police report doesn’t describe it this way, the dog might be appropriately characterized as now being anatomically correct, as opposed to its condition before he removed it.”
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