An alien Columbus reports back home: ‘Don’t bother sending any more ships. This place stinks.’
Every now and then, when Britney can’t be talked into doing something outrageously stupid again and the Loch Ness monster stubbornly refuses to show itself, our diligent journalists have to go out in the world to find and report on some real news – or fill their column inches with stories about extraterrestrials, of course:
Astronomers have discovered a solar system that appears to be very like our own. The planets in question are circling a star called Cancri 55, which is about 41 light years from here. They are particularly excited about this discovery because the planets around Cancri 55 are lined up in such a way that an Earth-like planet there might support life.
The odds are against it, I know. As I understand it, we have the most amazing series of coincidences to thank for our existence. The sun is just the right size, and Earth is just the right size. We have just enough gravity, just enough nuclear force, just enough electromagnetic force, and the right kind of atmosphere. All this and more has come together over 4½ billion years – or thereabouts – to create the sort of intelligent beings who will sit down tomorrow and enjoy I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here!
It’s difficult to know which would be worse: discovering life that was more intelligent, or less intelligent. If the new civilisation was much more intelligent, life here would be unbearable. They would be visiting us all the time to say how quaint we were, and how important it was that our way of life should be preserved and our customs respected.
If the Earth-like planet of Cancri 55 was underdeveloped then it would all be very different. We would be mining the planet for natural resources and would be in the middle of a fierce debate about whether immigration controls were needed to stop the flow of Cancrions into our solar system, especially since – with their eight arms – they have an unfair advantage in the building industry over native workers.
Mind you, in any talk about relative intelligence homo sapiens makes a pretty damn awkward ‘golden means’. Thinking of humanity’s actual and emotional intelligence the only thing that springs to mind is the lacklustre, politically correct nomer ‘challenged’.
For instance, let’s take a quick and insanitary look in the gene & cesspool from which our future leaders will rise like scum rockets:
Hotel staff in Brussels are accusing senior members of the youth wing of Sweden’s Social Democratic Party of leaving a bedroom covered in human poo and paying a chambermaid only €50 to clear it up.
The Swedish politicians claimed that an animal had defecated in the room, according to hotel staff. This was not an explanation that cut much ice with the chambermaid. “One can see a clear difference,” she said.
Granted, politicians are quite probably beyond the pale throughout the universe. The only thing you can trust your average politician with is to organise a witch hunt or a crusade, in order to distract the public from their own black hole incompetence and moral vacuum souls.
So, politicians really shouldn’t be used to judge civilisations as a whole. Instead, let’s take a look at those good folks who are paid pretty impressive salaries to keep our home fires burning. Maybe there we will find evidence of a moral maturity and a level of competence that is lacking in your average politician.
Or maybe not:
Mr Abrams, who is in his 50s and lives alone, switched energy providers from Powergen to npower several months ago after receiving `disappointing’ service from the firm. He heard nothing from Powergen until a legal warning notice came through the door.
The letter, dated October 19, warned Mr Abrams he owed the company £0.00 for gas and electricity and said if he did not pay up immediately he would be visited by a debt collection agency. It added that he could also be taken to court and, as a result, may find it difficult to obtain credit in future.
Still, one shouldn’t do what the turtle does and come to snap judgements. Maybe humanity is just not very good on an organizational level but stocked to the rafters with talented, wise and morally sound individuals. True role models – or even better, the mothers of role models. For what better way to judge any civilisation than by looking at the way they raise their young?
What better way indeed…:
Almost incredibly, though, it turns out that this week Britney’s not even the most foolhardy member of her own family, as it is announced that her mother is to pen a parenting manual.
Which is excellent news for each and every mother who has watched Britney emerge from the chrysalis of sanity and thought: “Gee, I’d love one like that, but where in the heck do you start?”
Crucially, according to Lynne’s agent, it’s not just a parenting book. “It’s a parenting book that’s going to have faith elements to it.”
Yes, sometimes we all need a reminder that it’s not enough just to force a weeping eight-year-old Mouseketeer up the great showbiz chimney. You have to know what prayers to say as you light the fire below.
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