Wonky water and priceless pricks
Water is important.
Seventy percent of our planet is covered with it. Up to 60 percent of the human body is made of the stuff. We bathe in it, we cook in it, we weep it like salted nuts.
Some idiots even dilute good whiskey with it.
All in all it’s not surprising that humans, like ducks, are provided with bills – though on humans these bills can look quite absurd…:
A luxury London hotel has put together a “water list” with 30 brands of the world’s finest bottled brands to choose from – and prices that would not look out of place on a wine menu. With exotic sources such as icebergs off Newfoundland and springs beneath the volcanoes of New Zealand, diners can pay as much as £50 a litre.
Many might find the whole idea ludicrous. But Claridge’s insists discerning customers are increasingly requesting certain waters to accompany different dishes. Wattwiller spring water from France, for example, is said to have “a high mineral content and a pleasant hint of sweetness” making it ideal with fine foods. At £8 for a 50cl bottle it is one of the more ‘reasonably’ priced brands.
Then there is Finé, an artesian water from Shuzenji, Japan, which comes in 72cl bottles costing £15 and provides “a perfect companion to sushi, sashimi and caviar”.
The most expensive variety is the 420 Volcanic, found more 200 yards under volcanic rock in New Zealand’s Rotomo Hills. It is sold in 42cl bottles costing £21, the equivalent of £50 a litre. Berg, iceberg water from Canada, costs an equivalent of £30 a litre.
All of which is, obviously, yet another bit of proof that modern man has become close to irredeemably decadent, morbidly materialistic and hedonistically heathen.
If only Western man would return to God and accept Jesus as his personal Saviour, then all this decadent bottled water nonsense would become a thing of the past.
Or maybe not:
Spiritual Brands Inc, a start-up company from Florida, is hoping to make a splash in the competitive bottled water market, worth over US$11 billion (NZ$14b) a year in the US alone, with its new Spiritual Water.
Available in 10 varieties, one flavor Balance features a picture of Jesus on the front with The Lord’s Prayer on the back in both English and Spanish while Focus carries a likeness of the Virgin Mary.
While the labels are different, all 10 kinds of Spiritual Water, which made its official debut this week at a trade show in Miami, are the same - purified water - with a suggested retail price for 16.9-ounce bottles of up to US$1.99
Apparently, Jesus wasn’t walking over the water to reach land. He was merely staking a claim.
So, it’s small wonder that so many politicians are into Jesus – or at least the cheap salesman’s personal Jesus, Who’s always willing to turn tricks for a few easy bucks (in the case of Bush) or bobs, in the case of Blair:
Tony Blair – come on, you remember him, pretty straight kind of guy, took the country to war more times than any other prime minister in the past 100 years – is apparently about to “come out” publicly as a member of the Roman Catholic church. Well, I suppose if you’re capable of believing that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, then transubstantiation, papal infallibility and the virgin birth shouldn’t come as too much of a problem.
The Lord spoke to Tony fairly often, apparently, during his occupation of No 10. Not so much “No, don’t do that, you moron!” as quiet words of wisdom, whispered into his ear as he awoke each morning.
So, let’s end with a philosophical, or at least existential question:
“Is it possible to be a bigger and more useless prick than Tony bloody Blair?
To which only one answer is possible:
“Probably not but it sure as Hell doesn’t stop people from trying…:
Phnom Penh - Cambodian officials on Tuesday warned the public against home penis enlargement plans after a coroner found a man who had repeatedly self-injected his member with hair tonic had taken his own life to end the painful side effects.
Coroner Vieng Vannarith concluded that a 35-year-old construction worker had hanged himself last week after the hair tonic remedy which advertised it gave thicker and more lustrous locks failed to have the same effect when injected into his penis.
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