Does Superman wear Kryptonite condoms? (Things we really don’t need…)
It doesn’t happen all that often that I am tempted to commiserate with the leader of her Majesty’s loyal opposition, David Cameron.
Still, the only time he got something right, at some lunch do, he was subsequently mauled by no lesser figure than Vygaudas Usackas, the ambassador of Lithuania…:
David Cameron’s alleged off-the-cuff remarks at a recent arts funding lunch have caused outrage in Lithuania, and a complaint from the country’s ambassador to the UK asking the Conservative leader to explain himself.
In the letter, seen by the Guardian, the ambassador, Vygaudas Usackas, expresses his dismay at the comment made by the Mr Cameron at an Arts Council lunch last Tuesday, in which he was reported to have said:
“I hope you won’t be giving grants to too many one-legged Lithuanian lesbians”.
Mr Usackas, a former deputy foreign minister and former ambassador to the US, said the comment had “prompted a wave of outrage in Lithuania”.
I would still say that Cameron was absolutely right. There are certain things nobody needs – and these do include most of the grants given by the Arts Council.
However, there are many things we don’t really need. Horrors, modern and ancient, that leave us tongue-tied with disgust, rage or just a certain, sudden, deep weariness of the soul.
For instance, when you are a resident of Teaneck, New Jersey, and some dearly departed relative did his or her departing in the Holy Name Hospital, you really do not need to open your newspaper one fine morning and read the following story:
A former lab technician at Holy Name Hospital in Teaneck, N.J., is under arrest and accused of having sex with a corpse, authorities said.
Anthony Merino, who had been working at the hospital for two weeks at the time of his arrest, is charged with desecrating human remains.
A security guard at the hospital saw Merino, 24, engaged in sexual activity with a 92-year-old deceased woman in the morgue on Sunday, according to the Bergen County Prosecutor’s Office. The security guard immediately called Teaneck police, who came and arrested Merino.
The above, of course, is quite an exceptional case – or so one would sincerely hope – but there are many daily irritants that we would dearly love to do without. Think of all the household appliances that only seem to be invented to make our lives needlessly complicated and irritating beyond belief. Like the smoothie maker:
The Smoothie Maker, to be honest, I consider to be the last straw. A Smoothie Maker is just a blender – IT’S JUST A BLENDER! – but with a tap on the bottom. A small, useless tap which will, on the first day of use, become clogged by a single strawberry seed, leaving you flossing the tiny nozzle with a pin until 4am, weeping.
A Smoothie Maker basically marks the UNINVENTING of the blender. It is a negation of progress. It’s like having sex with monkeys. It will do humankind no good.
Still, you can always refuse to buy these machines – and if some idiot relative gives you one, you can use the appliance as the famous blunt instrument and leave said relative to the tender care of one of the Holy Name Hospital’s amorous lab technicians.
It is a great pity you can’t do the same with the Washington DC airport – or the Disney Corporation. If only because even the most deranged lab technician would not touch either of these frightful entities, be they sadly alive or nicely decomposing:
From now on, the nerves of international passengers queuing up at passport control at airports in Washington DC and Houston will be soothed – or otherwise – by a sappy seven-minute film made by the folks at Walt Disney showcasing all that is wonderful, scenic and nice about the land of the free.
Oh, and one last thing: just a quick word to all our celebs…:
We know that you are needy. We know you snorted or dieted or fucked away the last few remaining brain cells left in your pretty useless skulls. So, we know you can’t really help it that all of you are an even bigger waste of space than a smoothie maker being rogered by a lab technician in a Disney sponsored airport – but still, can’t you just give it a bloody rest, for once…?! Please…?!
Britney Spears is set to shock the world with saucy new promotional shots picturing her seducing a handsome Catholic priest.
The images are to promote her new album Blackout, which is released in the U.S. on Tuesday, but the shots, in which the troubled singer is dressed in a black blouse, short black mini-skirt and fishnet stockings, will outrage the Catholic Church with her suggestive poses.
In one picture, Spears is snapped leaning seductively against the confession box as a young priest listens to her repent her sins, while in another photo, Spears is shown sitting on his lap inside the cubical.
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