Science reveals the ultimate truth: God is a bloke and he loves Hooters.
They say God moves in mysterious ways. You can easily say the same about women. Some women anyway:
Showing patrons she could crush beer cans between her exposed breasts has cost a West Australian barmaid $1000.
Hanging spoons on the barmaid’s nipples also cost one of her co-workers $500, while their bar manager was fined $1000 for failing to stop the pair, police said in a statement.
Superintendent David Parkinson of the Peel Police District said: “It sends a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behaviour in our licensed premises.”
Yes, I’m sure that will stop the mad epidemic of women exposing their evil breasts and crushing blameless beer cans between them. Mind you, there lurks some profound message in there – or at least the question: what was God thinking when He created breasts? And what’s the deal with all these different cups and sizes? To put it like this: Why did God create more variations of breasts than there are types of cat food in your average megamall?
Which is not exactly the way a certain Christian woman put it to a doctor on the Christian online forum but it’s close enough to hang spoons on, so to speak:
Dear Dr. Langberg, I’d like your opinion on breast augmentation for a Christian. My husband doesn’t agree with it, but will go along with it because he knows how this issue affects my self-esteem and confidence. I’ve been praying about it for years, but haven’t been able to find total peace.
To which the good doctor, in some boring detail, told her, Forget about it,
I think the God who lovingly chose you before the foundation of the world knew exactly what he was doing.
That’s the way you should think about yourself—including your body. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20,
“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit … ? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”
Mind you, that last bit sounds more like a marvellous First Amendment for some future hookers’ Constitution than a theological argument but never mind. For it also does begin to answer that more basic question of the overkill of types of breasts. Namely, that they exist because God just didn’t fancy the idea of spending the rest of mankind’s stay on earth looking at just one type of boobs.
In other words, because God is a guy. A very powerful guy, maybe but still, in this respect, a very average guy: he likes to look at as many tits as He can get away with. And since He is God, that means a Hell of a lot of breasts indeed. Some that make their owners long for silicone stuffing, and others that make their owners crush beer cans between them.
Still not convinced of the maleness of the Lord? Well, there’s that very old argument: Would a female God have come up with something so mind-buggeringly stupid, primitive and painful as periods?
I know that some men will now mutter: ‘Yeah, but shaving is a bugger too…’ Which is true enough. Having to spend about two minutes a day shaving is a terrible nuisance. The way dropping your key when you arrive home drunk compares to being dropped into the Grand canyon yourself.
Still, I’m so glad you raised the point. You know how most women simply love the sweet touch of unshaven beards on their tender skin? Yup. About as much as your average deer loves the start of the hunting season. Well, according to this latest bit of research,
Beards grow faster than usual on the day before an anticipated sexual encounter.
Still think the ‘Great Architect’ is a woman? What, not totally convinced yet? Well, I do understand that it’s not a nice image: God as a kind of super Al Bundy, fantasizing about & creating this endless variety of breasts, in between scratching his balls, picking his nose and calling for another beer.
So, I do admit that it is an image of the Almighty that takes some getting used to. It’s still true though. More science:
It is in fact the rush of endorphins produced by eating chocolates, particularly dark chocolates, which is most similar to the bliss associated with a healthy sexual relationship. Chocolate also contains phenyl-ethylamine which is known to stimulate the release of dopamine into the pleasure centers commonly associated with an orgasm.
In addition to this scientific evidence, a great deal of behavioral research has been done to study the sexual behavior of women who eat a lot of chocolate and those who don’t. The conclusion of this is that women who consume large quantities of chocolate have more satisfying sex lives.
Well, according to the male – or bearded – version of the Bible, God created Adam out of clay, or mud. Now, isn’t it absolutely, blindingly obvious that if God had indeed been a woman, she would have made that first male out of chocolate…?! I rest my case: God is a bloke.
And for all of you who don’t believe in any of this – and pray in the church of Darwin, well, consider the following. Long ago, old Tammy sang ‘Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.’ That’s true – that’s still very true, whether you believe in the Al Bundy God or not.
Yet, it could have been so much worse…
To any woman out there who ever complained that men were quite useless in bed, I’d like to say, Yes, but imagine we had involved from cats instead of apes:
The male cat’s penis has spines which point backwards. Upon withdrawal of the penis, the spines rake the walls of the female’s vagina, which may cause ovulation. Because this does not always occur, females are rarely impregnated by the first male with which they mate.
In other words: maybe better the Al Bundy or ape you know than some cool cat with a harpoon for a dick…
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