Cubicle freak-outs & gunpowder plots: Meet Health & Safety (and its stupid cousin, PC plod.)
Health & safety rules are truly one of humanity’s greatest discoveries. More than the harnessing of fire, more than the invention of the wheel, they make all of our lives worth living.
Especially office life. Have you ever seen a case of ‘cubicle freak-out‘? It’s not a pretty picture, I assure you. Happily, a remedy against this does exist. Yes, indeed: those Health & Safety rules.
What subject gladdens the heart as much or warms the cockles more effectively on even the bleakest and most boring day than yet another tale of health & safety rules ‘gone mad’?
Not to mention what a God-sent it is to your average columnist…:
Firefighters have been banned from using their ladders to take down festive bunting because it is deemed a health and safety risk.
In previous years, firefighters have helped remove decorations in the centre of Ampthill, Bedfordshire, after the town’s Gala Day in July. Three months on, the green and white bunting is still there. The festival committee is now trying to find another way of removing the bunting before the winter.
Bedfordshire deputy chief fire officer Graeme Smith said: “It sounds like the world has gone mad. Firefighters will climb ladders to rescue people from burning buildings but not to remove bunting after a festival.”
As an office life saving device Health & Safety does particularly well if certain rulings get in the way of enjoying traditional forms of entertainment (like playing conkers) or certain seasonal festivities. Then there will be much moaning, a great gnashing of teeth and, let’s be honest, much feverish rejoicing about a world gone mad:
London - A bonfire celebration in York, the home town of Guy Fawkes, has been banned on health and safety grounds, the local council said on Tuesday.
Thousands were due to attend the spectacle on the 402nd anniversary of Fawkes’ failed plot to blow up parliament.
But York City Football Club was told their ground was too small to ensure spectator safety, a decision which left the head of the cathedral city’s tourist board “lost for words”.
York Council’s head of licensing, Dick Haswell, declined to be interviewed on Tuesday but in an emailed statement he defended the decision, saying it was made on health and safety grounds.
Of course, Health & Safety rules are not the only pillars on which civilisation (and the columnist) can rest their weary heads. There’s political correctness too – also always ‘gone mad’ of course – that gladdens the heart and puts a spring into the step of your average, umbrage taking citizen. As was perfectly demonstrated during an earlier Guy Fawkes upset/outrage:
Fury erupted today after Guy Fawkes night was banned by “politically correct” council chiefs and replaced by a Bengali folk tale.
Tower Hamlets Council in east London has chosen an “alternative theme” for fireworks night - traditionally based on the attempt to blow up the Houses of Parliament.
Instead council bosses have shelled out £75,000 on a fireworks display based on a Bengali tale called Emperor and the Tiger.
Sunday’s display at Hackney’s Victoria Park is expected to attract 20,000 but there will no mention of the Guy Fawkes plot.
Mind you, while everybody loves a good political correctness story, it must be said that sometimes one feels some people could do with, if not PC awareness than at least with just a little bit of old-fashioned tact:
A 50-year-old man arrested after police said he urinated into milk and left bodily fluids inside a home is believed to be the naked bandit who has terrorized women for years by sneaking into their homes and tickling sleeping victims.
Police said Blacine has admitted to breaking into women’s homes and videotaping them while they slept. However, he has not admitted to tickling women. He was transported to the Volusia County Jail.
So far, so good – and yet, imagine yourself to be that woman. First you’re scared half to death by the original experience. Then, you hear that the naked video artist also routinely pissed in any kind of milk container he came across during these escapades… which is not a happy thought…
… and then, in court, she gets to hear the judge charge the guy with burglary, which is fair enough, but also hears herself described, not simply as a burglary victim but as a… - well, see for yourself, but tactful it ain’t…:
He was charged with burglary and tampering with a consumer product.
That last bit will truly have made that poor woman’s day…
Still, believe it or not, but there are even worse instances of what can only be described as glorious and almost divine tactlessness.
So, I’ll leave you to the tender care and mercy of St Margaret’s Health Centre in Auchterarder, Perthshire:
It is probably not the best way to reassure patients, but a health centre brushed aside criticism yesterday after handing out appointment cards sponsored by a local undertaker.
St Margaret’s Health Centre in Auchterarder, Perthshire, was accused of insensitivity after issuing cards to patients that include an advert for the town’s funeral director.
One patient, a 23-year-old mother of one, said:
“I thought it was hysterical when I first saw it, but it isn’t funny really. I see the card also contains an ad for the local florist so evidently the doctors hope to provide their patients with all necessary information in the event of failing to cure them.”
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