Two very good reasons to vote in 2008: slippery towels and complaining burglars
There was a lovely bit of news in the paper recently. Not exactly world-shattering (or -saving) news but it was a highly enjoyable story anyway:
Researchers investigating ‘The Role of Towels As A Control to Reduce Slip Potential’ are wringing out every drop of information on the topic. They have spent close to a month and £12,000 of taxpayers’ money trying to find out whether a towel on a bathroom floor makes one less likely to slip.
The team, based at the Health and Safety Laboratory in Buxton, Derbyshire, bought a set of identical towels from a local supermarket. They splashed rough tiles and smooth tiles and worn vinyl and new vinyl with varying amounts of water. Then, using a machine-operated pendulum, they measured the friction produced from a towel rubbing against the surfaces.
The results? They didn’t manage to come up with any.
“Unfortunately the testing carried out here is insufficient to draw significant conclusions,” their report admitted.
Kevin Hallas, who is leading the investigation, explained the research had been “complicated”.
Now, before you all go anti-science and Republican on me, just remember that the war in Iraq is now costing $200 million each and every day and could end up costing more than $1 trillion.
And that while it didn’t need any research for our neo-conmen to know that the war might prove to be “complicated.” Hell, their most faithful servant, Dick ‘the vice’ Cheney had openly admitted in an interview that to invade Iraq would be total madness.
Still want to have a superior snigger at those egghead scientists…?
Anyway, you know how they always say that times change? Well, in many ways hardly so that you’d notice. During the Vietnam era military spokesmen came up with truly delightful little gems like, ‘We had to destroy the village in order to save it.’
Wars come and go (and come again) but the military complex will always keep aiming for the gloriously surreal:
BAE, Europe’s largest defence company, says that it is working on removing lead from bullets and shells.
“Lead used in ammunition can harm the environment and pose a risk to people,” it observes.
So, when people wasting money on slippery towel research look vastly more intelligent than Washington’s policy makers, and when ‘intelligent design’ in weapons has come to mean the removal of some harmful substances from them, it is a small wonder that even TV comedians think they could do a much better job at ruling the country than the current crop of politicians:
NEW YORK — Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for president on “The Colbert Report” on Tuesday night:
“I shall seek the office of the President of the United States,” announced Colbert on his Comedy Central show, as red, white and blue balloons fell around him.
Shortly before making the announcement, Colbert appeared on “The Daily Show” (the show which spawned Colbert’s spin-off) and played cagy, claiming he was only ready to consider a White House bid. He entered the studio set pulled by a bicycle pedaled by Uncle Sam and quickly pulled out a bale of hay and a bottle of beer to show that he was “an Average Joe.”
Well, God only knows what the average American wants but the ridiculously & shamefully small percentage of those who are not too self-centered, apathetic or simply too plain stupid to vote do seem to like this ‘Average Joe’ – so let’s end this column with just such an Average Joe story:
A burglar in Montgomery chose the wrong family to mess with, literally. Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned home on Tuesday after a week away to find that thieves had emptied almost everything the family of five owned, Tiffany McKinnon said through tears.
“Tears just rolled down my face as I walked in and saw everything gone and piles of trash all over my home,” she said.
My husband Adrian caught the thief red-handed in our home,” she said.
Adrian McKinnon held the suspect, 33-year-old Tajuan Bullock, at gunpoint and told him to sit on the floor until he decided what to do.
“We made this man clean up all the mess he made, piles of stuff, he had thrown out of my drawers and cabinets onto the floor,” Tiffany McKinnon said.
When police arrived, Bullock complained about being forced to clean the home at gunpoint.
Ah yes, talk about a truly perfect metaphor for our times…
Yes, obviously this complaining burglar can stand for George Bush and his cronies, who don’t want to be held responsible for or clean up the messes they’ve made.
However, he can also easily serve as a stand-in for all those non-voting citizens who subsequently complain about the ’system’ which enables all the idiotic & venal scum to rise to positions where they can make these messes in the first place.
2008 is closer than you think, my American friends. Remember those wet towel scientists, remember that complaining burglar – and do your civic duty (for once…!) and vote.
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