And this year’s ‘FADD’ goes to… (The Fuck A Dead Dog Award, for outstanding & obvious hypocrisy)
You’ve heard of the expression, ‘To flog a dead horse‘? (If not, the free dictionary.com defines it as: ‘To waste time trying to do something that will not succeed.’)
As an expression it works well enough but it does lack a bit of oomph. So, maybe we should replace that dead horse with something else – and maybe, while we’re at it, we can find something better to do to it than simply flog it. Something along the following lines, maybe:
Ronald Kuch, a 44-year-old from Michigan, is charged with ‘crimes against nature’ after allegedly being seen engaging in sexual acts with the corpse of a dog, which had been dead for four or five days.
Police say the sexual acts were witnessed not only by one of their officers, but by staff at the day care centre in Saginaw, Michigan.
When police tried to arrest him, he reportedly shoved an officer aside and ran away. He was eventually tracked down and discovered hiding in the attic of a nearby house – which, police say, belonged to his girlfriend.
Police say that they have determined the dead dog had also belonged to his girlfriend.
Yes, much better…
And if you hadn’t guessed already: yes, it’s time for yet another award. The Fuck A Dead Dog Award (or: FADD) to be handed to the person of persons who are trying to sell or explain something (stupid, criminal or simply distasteful) they’ve done with no chance in Hell of succeeding.
So, without further ado, this year’s candidates for the FADD are:
1) Monsignor Tommaso Stenico, of the vatican:
The Vatican was last night at the centre of an unusually public sex scandal after acknowledging it had suspended a senior official who was filmed apparently propositioning a young man in his office.
Monsignor Tommaso Stenico, a capo ufficio, or section head, at the Vatican ministry responsible for the clergy, insisted yesterday he was not gay.
Mgr Stenico acknowledged in several Italian media interviews yesterday that he had been suspended.
And this was his quite brilliantly deranged defence:
He told the Corriere della Sera newspaper that he “wanted to carry out a study, probably for publication”. He said he was a registered psychologist and psychotherapist and his aim had been “to study how priests are ensnared”.
He added: “I really believe that there is a diabolic plan by satanist groups who take aim at priests.”
2) A (so far) unnamed US immigration judge:
In the United States, a judge refused the extradition of a convicted Cosa Nostra heroin trafficker on the grounds that Italy’s tough prison regime for gangsters was a form of torture.
A US immigration judge rejected Italy’s request for the return of Sicilian-born Rosario Gambino because he would be subject to a prison regime designed to compel convicted criminals to turn state’s evidence, according to the Los Angeles Times. The paper quoted the judge as saying: “This coercion is not related to any lawfully imposed sanction or punishment, and thus constitutes torture.”
And this is why the Italian justice minister was less than impressed with this sorry excuse for an explanation:
Italian officials expressed outrage. The justice minister, Clemente Mastella, said he doubted whether “a country that uses the death penalty is more in line with UN values that a country that enforces tough prison sentences”. Piero Luigi Vigna, formerly the chief anti-mafia prosecutor, said the US “can’t give lessons on human rights when they have Guantánamo and Abu Ghraib on their conscience”.
3) The Goldman family, for hiring a ghost writer to finish and then publish O.J. Simpson’s ‘If I did it’ book.
First, a few of columnists Rod Liddle’s thoughts on the book:
Now, here’s a thing. A book that is simultaneously morally disgusting and excruciatingly dull. A filthy little project that, although extremely brief (there’s a lot of padding in those 208 pages), succeeds in both boring the reader beyond endurance and making him gag. Hurry, hurry, while stocks last, etc.
On the other hand, the stuff about the book — how it came into being and why — is quite compelling, in the same way that staring straight into an open sewer can be quite compelling for a while. What’s going to float along next? That old thing horrified fascination, I suppose.
There’s a lot of horrible stuff to be gleaned about America from the whole OJ Simpson business. The continuing power of racism. A society consumed by financial greed. How everything can be appropriated for entertainment, no matter how base or morally repellent. If I Did It is, of course, in the American bestsellers list. Spare yourself and don’t buy it.
And how did these parents of one of O.J.’s victims (Ron Goldman, the friend of O.J.’s wife Nicole) try to defend this morally repugnant & indefensible decision. Well, this is what they wrote in the foreword:
“So here we sit, having to take on this incredibly controversial book project, which many deemed abhorrent, disgusting and dirty, and turn it into something powerful and positive. Having read the manuscript in great detail, we are more determined than ever to put this product out into the world as an exposé of a murderer.”
Well, of course you are… you disgusting little maggot.
Truly, there are way too many utterly revolting people on this ill-used but still beautiful planet of ours – reminding me of what columnist Katharine Whitehorn wrote about a subcategory of these folks:
‘Why do born-again people so often make you wish they’d never been born the first time?’
Maybe we could develop some highly selective bird flue strain, that only attacks these types of moral vacuums…?
Which reminds me of a rather nice joke – and a perfect note to finish on, having had to deal with all these truly ghastly candidates for the Fuck A Dead Dog Award:
‘When I roar,’ says the lion, ‘the whole of the jungle trembles!’
‘When I growl’ says the bear, ‘the whole of the forest quakes!’
‘So what!’ says the chicken, ‘When I cough, the whole world shits itself.’
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