Corpse diving, Cereal killers and Celebs: accidents waiting to happen
Accidents happen. There’s nothing shameful about that.
Still, before we elaborate on this, let’s commiserate a little with a young, bright English student, who has this tiniest of problems…:
A bright pupil has been excluded from his new school because staff were unable to cope with his nut allergy.
George Hall-Lambert, 11, attended lessons for only four days before being told to stay away until the school could carry out a “risk assessment”.
His mother, Judith, said her son had been labelled a “health and safety hazard” by teachers.
Don’t forget about poor George, please – we will come back to him in the dying moments of this column.
Back to accidents though. Nothing dishonourable about accidents, as we said – even though it is painfully plausible that some victims will carry the incredulous laughter of the accident’s witnesses with them longer than any bruises, broken bones or actual scars:
A 79-year-old funeral director who fell into a grave is recovering from the awkward episode with a sense of humour.
Leo Murphy was taken to MaineGeneral Medical Center in a hearse after the Sept. 20 fall during a burial service at the Maine Veterans Memorial Cemetery in Augusta.
Other types of accidents though deserve to end in the kind of official recognition only the Darwin Awards can offer:
Witnesses said a driver who lost control along a Highway 401 on-ramp in London, Ontario yesterday was eating cereal when the vehicle careened through a grass median and jumped into 100 kilometre-an-hour traffic, causing a three-vehicle crash.
Still, way beyond ordinary accidents, and the usual drunken, cretinous and/or suicidal mishaps, there’s stuff even Hollywood couldn’t come up with, not if they had the deep pockets of Bill Gates or a dream team of script writers, filled with the likes of William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and Stephen King.
Throw in one part Lady Macbeth, one part Oliver Twist and a coup de grace appearance of Jack Nicholson shouting ‘Here’s johnny!’ and you’re still not even close to the slow-motion car crash & accidental freak show that’s celebrity life today:
Britney Spears has turned to Michael Jackson for parenting advice.
She reckons he is the perfect man to help her because he has managed to hang on to his children through a string of troubles.
Wacko, 49, has offered the singer tips on bringing up her two sons – plus a holiday at his Neverland ranch away from her woes.
Britney, 25, is planning to take him up on his offer because she reckons he could help her win full custody of Sean Preston, two, and Jayden James, one, after telling a pal: “He never lost his kids.”
As I said at the start of this column: spare a few moments’ thought & sympathy on that unfortunate British pupil, because this truly must be the worst moment in all of mankind’s recorded history to be allergic to nuts.
If you enjoyed this post, subscribe today to get free updates by email or RSS.
