Truth in advertising? (Done that, got the ‘Read my lips, no new taxes’ T-shirt…)
People say it pays to advertise, and that you need to present your products in the very best light, in order to sell them.
That may be true but, as Times man A.A. Gill notes, you better get it right:
It was The Valkyrie last night. Mounted fit birds who pull corpses. This must be the most concentrated and emotional five-and-a-half hours available in the western canon. I went to the dress rehearsal in the £20 seats with a restricted view, which makes you feel like Spider Pig, but is a blessing because you only have to see half the set.
Why is it that opera design works to a completely different and lower standard than theatre, ballet or Punch and Judy? The sets invariably look like collaborations between a 16-year-old girl who wants to open a nightclub, a Kwik-Fit fitter and a drunk bank manager: hopelessly intellectually insecure and imaginatively verbose.
One of the problems with advertising is that most of the ads that are made are stupid – and almost all of them lie through their much-polished teeth. Sometimes hilariously so – like this fashion show’s ‘ready to wear’ claim:
A model presents a creation by the German designer Bernhard Willhelm at the Paris Spring/Summer 2008 ready-to-wear fashion show.
Sometimes, you also have to admire the sheer gall – or balls – of some of capitalism’s most eager flunkies.
Like Boots, who have tried to emulate the people trying to sell the Brooklyn bridge – or sand in the Sahara (or snow fossils.) A nice little scheme anyway, till someone took a closer look at what was on offer exactly:
The product is part of the Boots Expert Range, described as “the definitive answer to those everyday health and beauty problems we all suffer from, but keep putting off”. The back of the 125ml can boasts of the benefits of the product that it claims can protect the skin from “dryness”. But at a cost equivalent to £32.92 a litre, it is more expensive than whisky or the finest extra virgin olive oil.
According to the can it is a “gentle facial spritz specially formulated to refresh and hydrate. Hypoallergenic and fragrance-free it instantly cools and freshens skin. Lanolin free. Dermatologically tested”. Just one small word gives the game away that this is a triumph of marketing over common sense: the only listed ingredient is “Aqua”.
Boots admits that the spray is 100 per cent water but claimed it was justified in calling the spray “specially formulated”. A spokeswoman said: “The ingredient contained in Boots Expert Sensitive Refreshing Facial Spritz is water. This is clearly stated on the packaging as ‘aqua’.”
And since yesterday, Boots have removed the product from its website.
By the way, people also claim that the best kind of advertising is a deep love & passion for the product you make and offer to the general public.
That sounds convincing – but as with all other things, you can, of course, overdo it:
Mechanic Chris Donald loves his work. He has sex with cars.
And he admitted last night: “Some men like boobs and bums, but I much prefer curvy bodywork.”
Chris, 38, has a recognised psychological condition that makes him physically attracted to motors.
He has had sex with more than 30 different models in 20 years - plus two motorboats and a pal’s jetski.
Chris, who does have a girlfriend, confessed: “A nice car for me is a feast for the senses. It’s about smells, feelings and tastes. If I see a gorgeous Mercedes I know I’d love to jump into bed with it.”
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