You heard the one about a group of neo-Nazi teachers suing the government, because they’re not allowed to use Mein Kampf in the class room?
I’m not surprised: I just made that one up.
I wish I could say the same about the following:
A private Christian school in California and a group representing religious schools are suing officials at the University of California system, saying the university discriminates against students from high schools that present Christian viewpoints, including the teaching of creationism.
The lawsuit, which was filed in federal court in Los Angeles on Thursday, argues that five students at Calvary Chapel Christian School, located in Murrieta, Calif., are unable to apply to the university because several courses they have taken at the school — courses in subject areas required for admission to the university — have been refused certification by university officials for having a Christian slant. The university’s actions, the suit alleges, violate the constitutional rights of the students and of Christian schools.
Our collective hearts bleed for these five poor students, and for all oppressed Christians.
By the way, here’s one of the reasons why the state of California felt the Bob Jones “Biology for Christian Schools” text, which these schools had been using, wasn’t quite up to snuff in terms of biology – let alone human decency, or any true Christian values, really:
When the AIDS epidemic began, some people said that the disease was God’s judgmenton the sins of homosexuals and fornicators since they were the primary ones affected by the disease. Many were offended by such an analysis, claiming that it is unreasonably cruel to tell people in pain that they have caused their own disease.
Nevertheless, the Bible does teach that diseases that result from sexual impurity are part of God’s punishment of sin (Rom. 1:27). Such punishment is in fact evidence of God’s grace. It allows the sinner to experience the offensiveness of his sin and points him to the need for a Savior - “the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world” (John 1:29).
With these kinds of ‘Christians’ around, you don’t need Richard Dawkins foaming round the mouth about the evils of religion.
‘Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can’t help buying that I-phone anyway’
Yes, gadgets are Satan’s way of saying, Hey, I got you with that apple – and I can do it again, any time I want, baby.
Take mobile phones – or rather, take Times man Jeremy Clarkson’s take on this sad subject:
What I want is a mobile phone with a battery that lasts for more than six seconds. This means no colour screen. A colour screen uses more electricity than the Pentagon. I do not want it to take photographs. I do not want it to play music. I do not want to receive e-mails. I want it to be a telephone.
No such device is offered. Can you believe that? Seriously. Not one single mobile phone company in this vast and glorious world is offering a phone that is just that. A phone. A device that enables you to speak with someone a long way away.
Why? When I go to my local off-licence to buy a bottle of wine, I am not told that the bottle also contains a packet of Werther’s Originals, a typewriter, some insect repellent, the throttle cable from a 1974 Moto Guzzi and a million other things that will simply impair my enjoyment of the wine. I am very angry about this.
And that, in the end, is just a bit of aggro. Because the one thing you can say in favour of the modern mobile is that it easily fits into any common variety food processor.
Indeed, there are far more dangerous gadgets in and around the house than your average mobile:
But Danny Fendley, of Johns Creek, started more than just his mower on Tuesday afternoon when he tugged at the pull cord. The mower “exploded,” starting a fire that soon consumed Fendley’s home.
“It’s a goner,” said Fulton County Fire Lt. Gregory Chambers, at the scene of the blaze. “There’s not even one brick standing.”
As Fendley struggled with the blaze, he said his wife tried to toss a can of gasoline out a window. She missed.
“Gas spilled everywhere,” he said.
There are, on the other hand, things far worse than fire, mayhem and even death – like, ridicule. Imagine inviting your friends over for a few beers and having to explain this: This may become the most expensive chair in the world. The futuristic, airplane-like interpretation of an 18th-century chaises-longue, called the Lockheed Lounge LC-1 , was created in 1985 by Australian-born designer Marc Newson.
The aluminium and fibreglass lounger is set to fetch £1million at auction next month.
But if you really want weird, you need to look no further than the human wish for self-fulfilment, self-expression and, of course ‘growth.’ So, enter the wonderful world of gimmicks & gadgets, the silicone way.
So, you want another image, like Putin and his naked, middle-aged torso? Strong but sexy? Well, in Australia these days you can have a go at it:
The Royal Australian Navy is paying for women sailors to have breast enlargements for purely cosmetic reasons, at a cost to taxpayers of $10,000 an operation.
Defence officials claim the surgery is justified because some servicewomen need bigger breasts to address “psychological issues”.
Darling Point plastic surgeon Kourosh Tavakoli told The Sunday Telegraph the navy had paid for two officers, aged 25 and 32, to have breast-augmentation surgery at his private clinic.
A Defence spokesman admitted cosmetic surgery occurred at “public expense” when there were “compelling psychological/psychiatric reasons”, but refused to say how many such cases were taxpayer-funded.
Typically preposterous, female behaviour, you say? Vanity to the point of self harm? And no man would ever dream of doing such stupid things to their bodies, you think?
Ah well…
Ever heard of the male chastity belt?
The penis and testicles are protected against accesses and completely covered within an interior chamber made from high-quality form fitting silicone rubber. The surface feels like natural skin and does not leave any pressure marks. The Penis-sphere in the interior has the shaping of a member bent downward.
To facilitate putting it on, we recommend, treating the chamber with Silicone spray, oil, or Silicone ointment.
When you slide-in, you feel as though you are imprisoned in a female sheath.
You know, somehow I rather doubt that, but never mind how it feels when you put the damn thing on. Think what will happen after a few hours – and a few beers…
Urination does not require unlocking, this function is provided for. The Penis-sphere extends deep into the silicone rubber to a discharge, which leads by the high-grade steel covering to the outside. In order to prevent clogging of the hole by an erect penis, a reservoir keeps the discharge free of obstructions.
If some drops of urine remain and perhaps start to smell, there are 6 small cleaning nozzles, which wash around the lower part of the penis with water when using the provided syringe. By an oval opening at the posterior you can perform defecation and clean normally.
You know what?
I’d never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather mow the lawn, wearing nothing but fake tits and a mobile.
Guardian man Charlie Brooker, on people taking offence:
I hate offended people. They come in two flavours - huffy and whiny - and it’s hard to know which is worst. The huffy ones are self-important, narcissistic authoritarians in love with the sound of their own booming disapproval, while the whiny, sparrowlike ones are so annoying and sickly and ill-equipped for life on Earth you just want to smack them round the head until they stop crying and grow up. Combined, they’re the very worst people on the planet - 20 times worse than child molesters, and I say that not because it’s true (it isn’t), but because it’ll upset them unnecessarily, and these readers deserve to be upset unnecessarily, morning, noon and night, every sodding day, for the rest of their wheedling lives.
Note I used the word “sodding” there, because even though every single one of you knows precisely what word I meant to use, I’m not allowed to use it in print in case the whiny/huffy Axis of Feeble decides to piddle its pants with dismay at the sight of a commonplace assembly of letters. And they must be appeased at all times.
What these nitpicky, sexless complainists fail to realise is that sweary tastelessness is a celebration of life, as soaring and majestic as a gospel choir in full flow, and no amount of tedious squeamishness can alter that. Potentially offended reader - you are the offence. In fact you’re a four-letter word beginning with “c” and ending in “t”. Yes. That’s right. You’re an absolute clot.
Violaters of the city of Fort Lupton’s noise ordinance were in for a big surprise this past Friday. The city’s judge sentenced citizens who have been busted for being too loud to 1 hour of listening to unpopular or unusual music.
Judge Paul Sacco carries out the punishment about four times per year. He said he believes the sentence fits the crime.
“When you have a person playing rap at extreme volumes all over the city, and they have to sit down and listen for an hour to Barry Manilow, its horrible punishment,” he said.
And yes, it’s that time of year again: Awards Season! With a brand new award for an old, old favourite: ‘The Barry Manilow Awards for the most stupid and offensive noise made by an individual or organization.’
This year’s list of candidates looks pretty impressive.
One of the favourites for the BMA is the English Institute of Education, which has recently done yet another incredibly stupid study and now claims that,
The Institute of Education report also said pupils should be allowed to chat in lessons rather than sitting quietly and paying attention.
Dr Tamara Bibby, who led the two-year University of London project, said:
“Making children sit quietly and look at the teacher may be counter-productive. Talking to each other is one way children learn. Criticism by a teacher can raise feelings of anxiety about not being liked and therefore interfere with learning.”
Yes, of course. We don’t have nearly enough narcissistic people yet, who think they should be allowed to do whatever the Hell they want, whenever they feel like, and wherever they find themselves. God forbid we should explain to children that they are part of a larger community, or teach them civil and sociable behaviour (besides, maybe, teaching them stuff.)
Ever felt that you didn’t need your booze-sweating uncle corner you at family get-togethers and warn you about the evils of alcohol? Or that older spinster sister, telling you how to raise your unruly brood? Then you will be much pleased to hear that amongst this year’s candidates for the BMW is none other than our favourite non-playing, sexual arbiter, Pope Benedict XVI, who,
blasted Europeans for being selfish and not having enough children, in a sermon on Saturday at the 850-year-old pilgrimage site of Mariazell in Austria.
“Europe has become child-poor. We want everything for ourselves and place little trust in the future,” the pope told a crowd of faithful from his canopied area at an open-air, afternoon mass that took place under heavy rain.
Just what we needed: the richest professional bachelor alive telling the rest of the world what they should do within the confines of its collective bedrooms. Telling self-centered Europeans that they should go and create ever more consumerist duplicates seamlessly follows that other bit of brilliant Papal advice to the people in AIDS-ridden communities all over the world; namely that using condoms is a deadly sin.
Another strong candidate for the BMA is the British East Cheshire NHS Trust. Following in the proud footsteps of other insane, health & safety ridden Napoleon type bureaucrats, they have enforced yet another baffling ban:
Patients have been knitting away without incident at Congleton War Memorial Hospital in Cheshire for years.
But now health and safety officials at the small community hospital have decided that knitting can be dangerous.
East Cheshire NHS Trust defended their action, saying they were just trying to create a safe environment for patients. Bernie Salisbury, Director of Nursing and Operations, said:
“We were concerned about the ease with which youngsters could access knitting needles in the waiting area and believe this sensible and proactive measure will avoid accidents.
Ah, thatdoes bring back some old and lovely memories: those old ladies knitting while the guillotine sang, during France’s Reign of Terror. If only the French authorities would have thought of banning knitting needles. So much senseless harm would have been avoided…
Really, what with hospital bugs and medical errors killing thousands upon thousands of patients a year, banning knitting needles must obviously come as a priority…
Bookies’ favourite to win this year’s BMA though is a German newsreader:
She was Germany’s favourite newsreader - a blonde, blue-eyed television star who became a campaigner for old-fashioned femininity.
Now Eva Herman has fallen from her pedestal - she has been sacked for praising Hitler’s policies towards women, families and motherhood. The Nazi years, she said, while presenting her latest book, The Noah’s Ark Principle, were a cruel time. They had, though, a redeeming quality: they celebrated family values.
“There were the good things too, that is to say the values, the children, the mothers, the families, the solidarity . . .”
Some insiders though doubt that Frau Hermans will walk away with the BMA, since she has already won the much coveted Mel Gibson ‘Racial Sensitivity’ Award and the Don Imus ‘Grace on Air’ Trophy.
The BMA will be presented to the winner, later this month, live on Fox News, by Ann Coulter.
A few days ago I posted a column, claiming the Brits were, collectively, the best columnists in the world.
To prove my point I made a selection of five different columns, written by five different writers, which had appeared in that week’s online Times.
Today, I will go evenn further to drive my point home.
I will give you five excerpts from one and the same column, written by Times writer Rod Liddle.
Just trust me on this one – the Brits are the best:
1) Rod has a go at the Liberal Democrats and their hapless, ancient leader, Menzies ‘Ming’ Campbell:
The party keeps doing badly in by-elections and local elections, but not so badly that anyone has felt sufficiently concerned to bundle Menzies Campbell off to the glue factory and replace him with something possessed with dynamism - Nick Clegg, perhaps, or a bowl of pea and ham soup.
They deserve our sympathy, but only up to a point. There is a joke told by the American comedian, Emo Phillips. His German girlfriend told him she loved New York, especially the bagels: “They are delicious - but you just can’t get them in Germany.” And Phillips replied: “Well, whose fault is that?”
2) Government commissions are always an easy target but that’s no reason to let them get away with things – let alone slagging off TV cook Nigella Lawson:
A study commissioned by the government has criticised the pneumatic cookery writer Nigella Lawson for making her recipes too difficult by using “long sentences” and “complicated words”.
I suppose it would be going too far to say that anyone so thick that they cannot understand Lawson’s simple and elegant grammar should be left to die of rickets, as a service to mankind.
3) Rod on the British space programme and fellow journo, Richard Littlejohn:
The government is being urged by the British National Space Centre to spend more than £50m to put a man on the moon by 2020. Which man in particular they haven’t told us. Perhaps we will be allowed to vote on the issue, in which case I nominate the journalist Richard Littlejohn. He’d like it up there. Low crime levels, not too many immigrants, very few homosexuals, restrained - not to say entirely absent – atmosphere.
Littlejohn could float around the place for aeons, playing golf against himself and hectoring rocks. We could check on his progress every 25 years or so. And it would be comforting when we gazed upwards on an autumn evening, knowing that somewhere on that softly glowing yellow orb Richard was stamping around, protecting the moon from sexual perverts, abortionists, murderous Muslims and health and safety fanatics.
4) The British National Health Service (aka the financial black hole of Calcutta) is often used by columnists as a kind of easy to reach scratching post. Unlike its individual doctors (or services) it’s always there to oblige:
A builder who broke his ankle in three places will not be treated by the National Health Service for the intense pain he is suffering unless he gives up smoking. Doctors insist that John Nuttall’s recovery from an operation would be hampered by his habit. To which the answer is: never mind, why don’t you give it a go?
Nuttall contracted MRSA on a previous stay in hospital. An ankle operation seems the least the hopeless quacks might do in recompense.
It is time we started treating doctors the way they treat us. Doctors in supermarkets should be made to wait six weeks at the checkout till for an appointment and then have half their purchases thrown out of the trolley for being “unhealthy”. In off-licences they should not be served at all. In banks they should be told that they’re not getting any money until they agree to be on call at weekends and evenings and stop killing the rest of us through their incompetence.
Remember - 30,000 people a year die as a result of medical mistakes. Nuttall is probably better off hobbling around in pain.
5) Andthen there is the good old Church of England, and its luminous if slightly loopy leader, Rowan Williams:
The Archbishop of Canterbury has drawn an equivalence between teenagers who go around stabbing and shooting one another in gangs and middle-class kids who are urged to academic and sporting success by their parents. Both are under similar pressures in a very real sense, he pronounced, no doubt stroking his lovely ecclesiastical beard.
Rowan Williams is a charming and very erudite man. He has just completed a lengthy book on the works of Fyodor Dostoevsky, whom he greatly admires. I assume he has a special regard for The Idiot.
Let us start by admitting that the Middle East is to holiday destinations what Vlad the Impaler would be to mint-flavoured toothpicks.
On the one hand you have terrorism, on the other you have celebrities.
One could easily imagine even Hezbollah sympathizing with the Israeli prime minister at some occasions:
Basic Instinct star Sharon Stone has offered to kiss “just about anybody” if it ends conflict in the Middle East.
The actress is visiting Israel on a trip sponsored by the Peres Centre for Peace, which promotes development and understanding around the region.
She told a press conference: “I would kiss just about anybody for peace in the Middle East.”
What’s harder to understand is that people are still running for that office while history insists on repeating itself:
JERUSALEM — Madonna met with Israel’s president Saturday during a visit to attend a conference on Kabbalah, the Jewish mystical sect she has embraced despite criticism from Orthodox Jews.
The pop star was seen entering Shimon Peres’ home in Jerusalem with husband Guy Ritchie after the end of the Jewish New Year at sunset Saturday. The Nobel Peace laureate gave Madonna a copy of the Old Testament that she had requested, Israeli TV reported.
Still, Israel is one of the few places in that particular neighbourhood that escaped a certain curse.
As Israel’s fourth prime minister Golda Meir once famously said:
“Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!”
With all respect to Golda, but maybe Moses wasn’t all that ‘misguided.’
An old (and non-existing) Chinese curse says: ‘May you live in interesting times.’
In the Middle East just say: ‘May you have oil.’:
The man once regarded as the world’s most powerful banker has bluntly declared that the Iraq war was ‘largely’ about oil.
Appointed by Ronald Reagan in 1987 and retired last year after serving four presidents, Alan Greenspan has been the leading Republican economist for a generation and his utterings instantly moved world markets.
In his long-awaited memoir - out tomorrow in the US - Greenspan, 81, who served as chairman of the US Federal Reserve for almost two decades, writes: ‘I am saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil.’
Greenspan’s damning comments about the war come as a survey of Iraqis, which was released last week, claims that up to 1.2 million people may have died because of the conflict in Iraq - lending weight to a 2006 survey in the Lancet that reported similarly high levels.
One bit of famous and serious reading advice used to be: “Brush up your Shakespeare.”
Of course, the old Bard is not popular with everyone – and sometimes, other writers just serve better:
An ambulance arrived at a house in Wiltshire where a man had collapsed, a day after he had died.
His wife Audrey said she made three emergency calls and was told it would be more than an hour. When the crew arrived on the day it was too late.
The next day, another ambulance arrived with its lights flashing and sirens sounding. A full ambulance service investigation is under way.
So, one can conclude from this that the Wiltshire ambulance service were not in a particular hurry because they had been reading Mark Twain, or were at the very least living by one of the writer’s famous quotes:
“The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”
Talking of quotes, the Bible, like Shakespeare, can always be relied on to come up with the goods.
Take this one, from 1 Corinthians xv. 55.: “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?”
Well, sometimes death can indeed be the ultimate sting:
The last time Shawnda K. Hatfield was scheduled to appear in court for sentencing on a forgery conviction, a newspaper obituary announced her unexpected death and cremation.
On Thursday, however, the 41-year-old Dunkirk woman was alive - if not especially well - when she was sentenced to four years in prison by Delaware Circuit Court 3 Judge Robert Barnet Jr.
Hatfield maintained she did not have a clue as to how or why her death notice was published in The Star Press on Aug. 30.
Still, ‘Brush up your Shakespeare’ is good advice. So, David and George, pay attention please…
Now, don’t be shy: hand me that report of yours.
Good, thank you.
And now we’ll feed it to the Randomized Shakespeare Quotation Generator… Round and round and round she goes… And where she stops…
Ah, yes, of course. Macbeth; V, v 19):
“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”
This, by the way, is not a column trying to shine a light on or throw cold water over some of the admittedly weird aspects of modern Japanese culture:
A Japanese arm wrestling game is being withdrawn from arcades across the country after three players broke their arms, company officials said.
Arm Spirit gamers advance through 10 levels, pitting their strength against a French maid, a drunken martial arts master and a Chihuahua dog before reaching the final challenge - a professional wrestler.
Neither is it one of those cheap affairs that poke fun at the British establishment:
A senior Church of England vicar has been accused of being a “bully and a liar” and of spitting at one of his churchwardens, in a rare ecclesiastical court sitting in London.
The Rev Tom Ambrose, 60, vicar of St Mary and St Michael in Trumpington, near Cambridge, is accused of bringing his once “thriving parish” to breaking point. Church wardens resigned, volunteers left and Dr Ambrose ignored the parochial church council, the tribunal was told.
Dr Ambrose told members of the congregation who did not agree with him to leave, sent hate e-mails and made personal attacks on “opponents” during sermons, it was claimed.
Dr Ambrose was once regarded as one of the Church’s leading communications strategists.
‘So, what is this all about then?’ I hear you yawn excitedly.
Well, all I wanted to say is that it’s not just in dubious arcades, that people wrestle with the arm. It is apparently not always easy to know what to do with the darn thing – apart, as we did see, from breaking it in ever more interesting ways and places.
So, people could do with a bit more help in this field – and some muscled advice would sure be very welcome. The kind that a former Church communication strategist could have offered.
Alas, the Karl Roves of this world are retiring like lemmings – and now it seems that that senior England vicar will be too busy in court himself to offer a helping hand to others.
Which is a pity, really…
Everybody knows how this one goes, right?
“Now, raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
That’s the easy part, right?
Well, maybe not. If you please, studythis photo, taken in front of Sydney’s opera house. There you will find a gathering of a few of the world’s most preeminent liars.
Now, take a very close look at the guy on the right. Yes, the only person there who can’t even getthat little thing right…
(Yes, I’m afraid you’re right. Not a strange Japanese or weird Brit column but yet another tired tale of the not so brightly burning Bush… Ah well, so it goes.)
Aretha Franklin once mentioned it in a song: ‘Respect.’
That’s hard to come by, these days. It used to be being old was enough to have the young ones sitting at your knees. Anyone with a handful of grey hairs could just say ‘Once upon a time’ and the whole world would listen to them.
These days, there simply is no respect.
So, you served your country, did well in the medal department and died without a whimper or a whiff of scandal – and what do you get…?
Thieves sawed the life-sized sculpture from its plinth at Preston Park in Brighton.
Mr Ovett’s tribute has been the victim of two previous attacks. Just six weeks after it was unveiled in 1987 vandals pushed it face down into the mud, and eight years later it was splattered with white paint.
During the nineties it was subjected to numerous humiliations by pranksters who stuck an Alf Garnett moustache on it, covered it in a woolly jumper and dressed it as a schoolgirl.
Kids’ stuff, you say?
Just wait till they get older – and discover the true value of virtue, the worth of wisdom, and the reach and richness of the religious realm…
ELK RIVER, Minn. (AP) — The high demand and soaring prices for scrap metal appeared to be the reason a 7-foot statue of Buddha, covered in copper-laden bronze, was stolen from an outdoor temple shrine at the Thai Buddhist Center of Minnesota, police said.
The statue was specially made in Thailand for the center.
“It’s too bad,” said temple member Jay Cramer. “The whole community is real sad. It’s a sacred piece.”
But Cramer said there was some relief in knowing that the statue was stolen for money and not because of bigotry.
Ah yes, but that’s just the wicked, wicked West, of course.
When you turn yourself away from the evils of capitalism, consumerism and credit-card-company-isms you will move on to a much higher, far more spiritual level…
… and ever so much closer to the Buddha’s beautiful embrace:
BANGKOK (Reuters) - A Thai Buddhist temple has been reprimanded by religious authorities for selling amulets containing the ashes of cremated infants to raise money for a plot of land and a crematorium, an official said on Tuesday.
The bodies of 28 foetuses or infants who died of natural causes were cremated legally at the temple’s ageing incinerator, they said, as Thailand’s craze for Jatukam Ramathep amulets promising wealth showed no signs of easing.
The Thawee Kara Anant temple in a northern Bangkok suburb was taking advantage of a craze for the amulets that promise to make their owners “super rich” or “rich without reason” sweeping across predominantly Buddhist Thailand.
In July, it made 140,000 disc-shaped amulets about the size of a coffee-cup lid from a variety of herbs and human ashes and had sold most of them, a monk at the temple said.
Or, as our sweet Tammy sang: ‘Sometimes it’s hard to be a human…’
It has been brought to my attention that I know next to nothing about the ever exciting world of celebrities. It has also been suggested that I would get more than the usual handful of readers (mostly consisting of senile uncles and well-meaning but incontinent aunts) if I would write more about these celebs, their habitats and their habits.
I should also do more lists. People like lists – and celebrities, and sex…
So be it.
So, without further ado, let me present you with this week’s top three secret celeb scandals.
1) Brittany Piercing, former teen star & virgin-for-Christ and now a debauched divorcee who’s in and out of rehab, has done it again! Last week she made a surprise appearance in a Dallas, Texas McDonalds, where she asked for a crisp leaf of lettuce, with some of that funky new cheese on top.
Later that evening, she was arrested in a public toilet by an undercover police officer who claimed she had ’signaled’ him by spreading her legs so wide that her foot had touched his handcuffs.
The next day, Piercing’s lawyer made a statement that his client had not been signaling the undercover police officer but that she merely had a broad seat. Piercing herself added: “Honey, when I spread my legs, I ain’t just signaling.”
Strangely enough, none of this made that week’s papers…
2) Hollywood film star Brass Spitt was recently spotted leaving the house of his ex-wife, Conifer Anisette, through the back door. This, while his current wife, Angina Jolly, was in the middle of a very public fight with ‘Mad’ Marge Kabbala over the last surviving photogenic baby in Darfur. When confronted by a suspicious neighbour of Anisette, Spitt told him that he’d just had a prayer meeting with his ex-wife. Before the neighbour could ask for details, Anisette herself came to the door, dressed in a sexy, see-through eating disorder and told her neighbour that they had indeed been praying that ‘that damned, fat-lipped whore’s‘ plane would crash on its way back.
Lawyers for Conifer Anisette denied she had any see-through eating disorder. Jolly’s spokesperson denied the actress had fat lips. Brass Spitt’s spoke people could not be reached for any comment.
None of this made the newspapers either…
3) Celebrity heiress Parsley Hilthong was another member of the celeb cuckoo club who somehow managed not to make the news last week. This, despite the fact that she made more than a hundred drunken nuisance calls to the FBI, Larry King, her estranged girlfriend Rucola Rickley and the local chapter of the AA, claiming that someone had kidnapped her new pet panda, Pinkerpeltz, and had threatened to put pictures on the internet of the panda giving oral sex to the Hilthong heir.
Her lawyer stated two days later that the panda had in fact not been kidnapped but had been hiding from its inebriated new owner in the attic. The lawyer also said that the pictures on the internet were not of his client and the giant panda but of her and a former pet, a miniature gorilla called Biff. The lawyer read from a prepared statement:
‘My client has already undergone therapy for that, and has made her peace with her Lord, her family and her various sponsors. She now hopes she can put this whole episode behind her.’
And so, I sincerely hope, can we. For do we really need a ‘to be continued’ at the end of this column…?
