And here she is again, big as Britney: ‘Fat Mama Chance & The Lucky Bastards!’
You know, sometimes you read these stories about people winning lotteries, or marrying a Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie look-alike, or winning front seat tickets to the Super Nipple Bowl…
… and all you can do is put down the paper, and sigh, and think: you lucky bastard!
The following stories are a bit like that:
When a police car swerved off the road and ran over Daniel Horne’s foot, he thought he was owed an apology.
But instead he was landed with an £80 fine – for denting the car.
What’s lucky about that, you say? Well, it could have been the Californian police:
A Chino, Calif., police officer shot an Air Force MP on Sunday night after a short police chase in which the airman was a passenger in the car, while he was appearing to cooperate with instructions the police officer gave.
According to videotape evidence, Carrion, the passenger, was on the ground, when the officer ordered him to get up. Carrion said he was unarmed and in the military and would get up, and when he did, the officer, whose name was not released, shot him.
See?
And wouldn’t it also be nice if everybody would have the best of British luck – that is, to live in a country where both the authorities and shop managers are this considerate about the law and the general well-being of the public:
Supermarket staff refused to sell alcohol to a white-haired 72-year-old man - because he would not confirm he was over 21.
Check-out staff at Morrisons in West Kirby, Wirral, demanded Tony Ralls prove he was old enough to buy his two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon.
A Morrisons spokesman said:
“We take our responsibility with regard to selling alcohol very seriously and all our stores operate the Task 21 scheme, which addresses the difficulties our staff face in being able to determine if a customer is legally old enough to buy alcohol.”
Indeed, and more power to you, good sir. Would you perhaps care to consider a job in the White House? They’re running rather low on gormless ‘follow the leader’ type idiots these days:
Michael J. Gerson, one of President Bush’s most trusted advisers and the author of nearly all of his most famous public words over the past seven years, plans to step down in the next couple of weeks in a decision that colleagues believe will leave a hole in the White House at a critical period.
“It seemed like a good time,” Gerson said. “Things are back on track a little.”
Quite - And O.J. Simpson will play Father Christmas in Walt Disney’s next family movie, ‘Stick it up the Christmas tree.’
Another person who was very lucky was Jamie Thomas ‘meatworker’ Lacey, of Kilcoy, who got himself a kind-hearted, if senile judge, who thought Kilcoy was just the kind of parent a kid could not afford to miss having around:
A Darling Downs burglar who broke into a woman’s house to allegedly use her vacuum cleaner and a modified detergent bottle as masturbation aids has narrowly avoided jail.
Crown prosecutors were unable to conclusively prove Jamie Thomas Lacey, of Kilcoy, had actually used the implements for sexual gratification, however a Brisbane judge today said it was unlikely the 27-year-old father of one had broken in for a spot of spring cleaning.
Police initially questioned Lacey, who denied any involvement. However a search of his home uncovered a black carry bag stuffed with condoms, creams and a wooden stick “tapered at one end” which Lacey admitted was his “masturbation bag”.
The judge said Lacey’s crime deserved a jail sentence because of the distress he had caused to his neighbour. However he said actual time behind bars would be “counterproductive” for the young meatworker, who was doing well in his job with the Kilcoy Pastoral Company and had a seven month-old baby to support.
Yup. Makes perfect sense. What do you do with someone who burgles houses and puts his dick in a vacuum cleaner? Well, you return him to his ‘pastoral’ work and let him near very young children. It’s what the Roman Catholic church does all the time, of course.
Strangely enough, the luckiest man alive this week would probably kill anyone who’d suggest he was that fortunate…:
An alligator bit a 59-year-old man’s arm off Sunday at a Lake Moultrie recreation area, officials said.
He stumbled into a party of picnickers with his arm missing and blood gushing from his wound. Five nurses were among those at the gathering and put ice on his wound and kept him awake until paramedics could arrive.
One of the picknickers followed the man’s trail of blood to the shore, where he saw the gator with victim’s arm in its jaw.
Department of Natural Resources officers showed up later and shot the animal, which was nearly 12-feet long and weighed about 550 pounds. The officers cut the gator open and removed the man’s arm.
“The arm, surprisingly, was not chewed up like you would think it would be,” Salisbury said.
You might not want to trade places with the guy but I know at least one country, which got chewed up a lot worse recently by another Leviathan – and which citizens could only wish for such a fortunate aftermath.
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