Glob-a-log

Old Elvis already knew the truth, when he sang:

‘Wise men say, only fools rush in,
but I can’t help buying that I-phone anyway’

Yes, gadgets are Satan’s way of saying, Hey, I got you with that apple – and I can do it again, any time I want, baby.

Take mobile phones – or rather, take Times man Jeremy Clarkson’s take on this sad subject:

What I want is a mobile phone with a battery that lasts for more than six seconds. This means no colour screen. A colour screen uses more electricity than the Pentagon. I do not want it to take photographs. I do not want it to play music. I do not want to receive e-mails. I want it to be a telephone.

No such device is offered. Can you believe that? Seriously. Not one single mobile phone company in this vast and glorious world is offering a phone that is just that. A phone. A device that enables you to speak with someone a long way away.

Why? When I go to my local off-licence to buy a bottle of wine, I am not told that the bottle also contains a packet of Werther’s Originals, a typewriter, some insect repellent, the throttle cable from a 1974 Moto Guzzi and a million other things that will simply impair my enjoyment of the wine. I am very angry about this.

And that, in the end, is just a bit of aggro. Because the one thing you can say in favour of the modern mobile is that it easily fits into any common variety food processor.

Indeed, there are far more dangerous gadgets in and around the house than your average mobile:

Starting your lawn mower can be trouble enough.

But Danny Fendley, of Johns Creek, started more than just his mower on Tuesday afternoon when he tugged at the pull cord. The mower “exploded,” starting a fire that soon consumed Fendley’s home.

“It’s a goner,” said Fulton County Fire Lt. Gregory Chambers, at the scene of the blaze. “There’s not even one brick standing.”

As Fendley struggled with the blaze, he said his wife tried to toss a can of gasoline out a window. She missed.

“Gas spilled everywhere,” he said.

There are, on the other hand, things far worse than fire, mayhem and even death – like, ridicule. Imagine inviting your friends over for a few beers and having to explain this:

This may become the most expensive chair in the world. The futuristic, airplane-like interpretation of an 18th-century chaises-longue, called the Lockheed Lounge LC-1 , was created in 1985 by Australian-born designer Marc Newson.

The aluminium and fibreglass lounger is set to fetch £1million at auction next month.

But if you really want weird, you need to look no further than the human wish for self-fulfilment, self-expression and, of course ‘growth.’ So, enter the wonderful world of gimmicks & gadgets, the silicone way.

So, you want another image, like Putin and his naked, middle-aged torso? Strong but sexy? Well, in Australia these days you can have a go at it:

The Royal Australian Navy is paying for women sailors to have breast enlargements for purely cosmetic reasons, at a cost to taxpayers of $10,000 an operation.

Defence officials claim the surgery is justified because some servicewomen need bigger breasts to address “psychological issues”.

Darling Point plastic surgeon Kourosh Tavakoli told The Sunday Telegraph the navy had paid for two officers, aged 25 and 32, to have breast-augmentation surgery at his private clinic.

A Defence spokesman admitted cosmetic surgery occurred at “public expense” when there were “compelling psychological/psychiatric reasons”, but refused to say how many such cases were taxpayer-funded.

Typically preposterous, female behaviour, you say? Vanity to the point of self harm? And no man would ever dream of doing such stupid things to their bodies, you think?

Ah well…

Ever heard of the male chastity belt?

The penis and testicles are protected against accesses and completely covered within an interior chamber made from high-quality form fitting silicone rubber. The surface feels like natural skin and does not leave any pressure marks. The Penis-sphere in the interior has the shaping of a member bent downward.

To facilitate putting it on, we recommend, treating the chamber with Silicone spray, oil, or Silicone ointment.

When you slide-in, you feel as though you are imprisoned in a female sheath.

You know, somehow I rather doubt that, but never mind how it feels when you put the damn thing on. Think what will happen after a few hours – and a few beers…

Urination does not require unlocking, this function is provided for. The Penis-sphere extends deep into the silicone rubber to a discharge, which leads by the high-grade steel covering to the outside. In order to prevent clogging of the hole by an erect penis, a reservoir keeps the discharge free of obstructions.

If some drops of urine remain and perhaps start to smell, there are 6 small cleaning nozzles, which wash around the lower part of the penis with water when using the provided syringe. By an oval opening at the posterior you can perform defecation and clean normally.

You know what?

I’d never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather mow the lawn, wearing nothing but fake tits and a mobile.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, September 20th, 2007 at 06:21 and is filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.