Glob-a-log

It has been brought to my attention that I know next to nothing about the ever exciting world of celebrities. It has also been suggested that I would get more than the usual handful of readers (mostly consisting of senile uncles and well-meaning but incontinent aunts) if I would write more about these celebs, their habitats and their habits.

I should also do more lists. People like lists – and celebrities, and sex…

So be it.

So, without further ado, let me present you with this week’s top three secret celeb scandals.

1) Brittany Piercing, former teen star & virgin-for-Christ and now a debauched divorcee who’s in and out of rehab, has done it again! Last week she made a surprise appearance in a Dallas, Texas McDonalds, where she asked for a crisp leaf of lettuce, with some of that funky new cheese on top.
Later that evening, she was arrested in a public toilet by an undercover police officer who claimed she had ’signaled’ him by spreading her legs so wide that her foot had touched his handcuffs.
The next day, Piercing’s lawyer made a statement that his client had not been signaling the undercover police officer but that she merely had a broad seat. Piercing herself added: “Honey, when I spread my legs, I ain’t just signaling.”
Strangely enough, none of this made that week’s papers…

2) Hollywood film star Brass Spitt was recently spotted leaving the house of his ex-wife, Conifer Anisette, through the back door. This, while his current wife, Angina Jolly, was in the middle of a very public fight with ‘Mad’ Marge Kabbala over the last surviving photogenic baby in Darfur. When confronted by a suspicious neighbour of Anisette, Spitt told him that he’d just had a prayer meeting with his ex-wife. Before the neighbour could ask for details, Anisette herself came to the door, dressed in a sexy, see-through eating disorder and told her neighbour that they had indeed been praying that ‘that damned, fat-lipped whore’s‘ plane would crash on its way back.
Lawyers for Conifer Anisette denied she had any see-through eating disorder. Jolly’s spokesperson denied the actress had fat lips. Brass Spitt’s spoke people could not be reached for any comment.
None of this made the newspapers either…

3) Celebrity heiress Parsley Hilthong was another member of the celeb cuckoo club who somehow managed not to make the news last week. This, despite the fact that she made more than a hundred drunken nuisance calls to the FBI, Larry King, her estranged girlfriend Rucola Rickley and the local chapter of the AA, claiming that someone had kidnapped her new pet panda, Pinkerpeltz, and had threatened to put pictures on the internet of the panda giving oral sex to the Hilthong heir.
Her lawyer stated two days later that the panda had in fact not been kidnapped but had been hiding from its inebriated new owner in the attic. The lawyer also said that the pictures on the internet were not of his client and the giant panda but of her and a former pet, a miniature gorilla called Biff. The lawyer read from a prepared statement:

‘My client has already undergone therapy for that, and has made her peace with her Lord, her family and her various sponsors. She now hopes she can put this whole episode behind her.’

And so, I sincerely hope, can we. For do we really need a ‘to be continued’ at the end of this column…?

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This entry was posted on Thursday, September 13th, 2007 at 22:26 and is filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.