The Biologist and the Temple of Gloom (The boring side of wildlife)
You know that you’re really not going to like the next few moments when someone comes up to you and says ‘I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news.
So, you’re a biologists who’s interested in a certain species that has become so rare that people think it might already be extinct.
Then someone says he has recently seen one of these animals - and captured it, and ate it…
Still, these kinds of set backs do occur and a good biologist needs to be stoical. As a boy he might have been keen on dinosaur sets or pestered his parents for tickets to the unicorn museum but a grown-up biologist has to have put these childish things behind him.
Yes, it is a sad day when our young Indiana Jones of zoology discovers that it is rather unlikely that he’ll run into any live dinosaurs (or unicorns, for that matter) but that’s life. In the field of biology it’s not the survival of the most fanciful, alas.
Indeed, it’s often quite hard to get even close to excited about your house and garden variety of endangered species.
Without trying to discourage any future biologists, it must be said that your typical sighting of some animal belonging to a rare species goes something like this:
Some guy in a train happens to find a giant African [...] under a seat.
So, what did he find there? Was it
a) a lion
b) a crocodile
c) a python
d) a diamond or gold mine
Obviously, the answer is: none of the above.
Here’s what really happened:
A train driver tidying up his carriages was shocked to find a giant African snail under a seat.
Hardly the stuff of great Hollywood movies or something to make a small boy sit up and say: ‘When I grow up, that’s what I’m gonna do: catch giant snails, for fun and gain!’
Another sad truth about animals is, that, when they’re not extinct (or giant snails) they can get right up your nose.
And if you thought Flipper and lassie were annoying, have another think coming:
A troop of vervet monkeys is giving Kenyan villagers long days and sleepless nights, destroying crops and causing a food crisis.
The monkeys also seem to suffer from something maybe best described as ‘Rude Builders’ Syndrome’:
Nachu’s women have tried wearing their husbands’ clothes in an attempt to trick the monkeys into thinking they are men - but this has failed, they say.
“The monkeys can tell the difference and they don’t run away from us and point at our breasts. They just ignore us and continue to steal the crops.”
In addition to stealing their crops, the monkeys also make sexually explicit gestures at the women, they claim. “The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us,” said Mrs Njeri.
You know, I’d really love to tell that Mrs Njeri that if she truly doesn’t consider the behaviour of those monkeys to be sexual harassment already, she might also consider Michael Jackson to be an ideal baby sit and Paris Hilton the perfect choice to star in ‘Mother Theresa, the early years.’
Anyway, there are easier ways to get rid of those pesky monkeys. The Kenyan villagers should do what our grandfathers did to chase snotty kids from their well-dressed and perfectly manicured lawns.
Ah, those were the days…
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