Please hold for the Holy Trinity: Ann Summers, British Telecom and the Medicine Man from Tanzania
In one of those press releases that, like some ‘We’ll stay the course!’ slogan, sounds positive but is almost always directly followed by a confused “Yeah, but…?”, lingerie and sex toys retailer Ann Summers says it is hoping that
installing peep holes on the changing room of its Princes Street store is the answer to luring more male shoppers.
Well, no doubt it could, but you have to ask yourself: what kind of ’shoppers’ this would lure exactly?
I’m pretty sure that, if God would announce He, She or It would start a line in mobile phones, this would be a huge hit as well. Mind you, it would be fun to see that endlessly long queue of mad Islamists, Born Again Christians and all the other evil sects, all peacefully together for once, all waiting for their own, private line of holy, I-phone style delivery.
Talking of which, your average phone company these days is about as fast and reliable in picking up their phones as God is in answering prayers:
A woman had to be treated with sedatives for stress after a BT helpline kept her hanging on for twenty hours. Hannah King, 51, wanted to speak to someone when an engineer failed to turn up at her home to fit a phone line.
She held on from 1pm until 9pm but got only piped music and a recorded message playing in her ear. Next day there was another eight-hour wait with no luck. The next morning, she held on from 8am until noon, but again no one from BT picked up.
A BT spokeswoman said: “We would like to apologise for the length of time this customer was left on the phone.”
Anyway, there is something to say for a God that keeps His, Her or Its distance and can’t be reached for comment like any bent politician denying he did whatever he confessed to doing in certain bathrooms – but thanking his audience for ‘coming out in great numbers’ anyway.
A God should not be in your face all the time – and all religions probably should come with warnings like ‘Don’t try this at home.’ Because, you know, all that DIY stuff can get incredibly messy, pretty fast:
Two witches have been accused of tossing a raccoon head and entrails on the doorsteps of two businesses as part of what a witness called an internal Wiccan community feud.
One witch told police that another witch hoped to frame a local Wiccan who had fired the woman from his psychic telephone business last spring.
Not that the more traditional religions don’t have their own highly embarrassing moments. Their Gods might keep a discreet veil between Themselves and the praying plebs, but Their ministers are not always that good in the old hands-off approach:
Aggravated assault charges have been filed against a church deacon and University of Oklahoma Sooners fan after officials say he grabbed a University of Texas fan between the legs during a scuffle in an Oklahoma bar.
The police report described what happened to the victim, including graphic details about his injuries that included a torn scrotal sack with partially exposed testicles.
Still, there is, as they say, a time and place for everything – and some of those do-it-yourself priests and prophets do have an admirably direct approach to both their tasks and their deities.
One would certainly wish that, for instance, all companies like British Telecom and most of the world’s politicians would follow this medicine man’s example:
A traditional medicine man in Tanzania drowned after jumping in a river and promising to resurface three days later with revelations from ancestral spirits, police said.
Come to think of it, the poor guy was probably told to hold…
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