Said one fat spark rising upward to his thin mate: “That’s another fine mess you’ve got us into!
Every now and then something comes along which is so bonkers and so unhinged that it unmoors itself from all cultural anchoring points, and floats off into a baffling universe all of its own. I am a connoisseur of freaky ideas, but nothing prepared me for this gem from the academic journal Medical Hypotheses: an article called “Down subjects and Oriental population share several specific attitudes and characteristics”.
That was Ben Goldacre, a science writer for the online Guardian, commenting on said, sad article.
I suppose one could find it an almost liberating idea that, these days, scientists can be as idiotic and morally repulsive as your average politician, priest or celebrity.
Anyway, the least one can say is that the Dumbing Down Movement has a broad, international appeal and, as such, can be seen as proof that George Bush and the neo-cons were right when they claimed that the whole world was aching for democracy.
It is somewhat of a pity, of course, that this proves to be a Democracy of Dunces but you can’t win them all.
Back to the science writer though, who’s not quite finished with his victims: the two Italian doctors responsible for this piece of ‘research.’:
The two offer their theory that the parallels between Down syndrome and “oriental” people go beyond a fleeting facial similarity. What is the evidence they have amassed? I offer it almost in its totality.
One aspect, they say, is alimentary characteristics. “Down subjects adore having several dishes displayed on the table, and have a propensity for food which is rich in monosodium glutamate.”
Yes, you were reading correctly and that was their case: Asians are like Down syndrome patients, because the latter also enjoy Chinese food… Back to our irate journalist:
The academic journal continues with: “The tendencies of Down subjects to carry out recreative-rehabilitative activities, such as embroidery, wicker-working, ceramics, book-binding, etc., that is renowned, remind [us of] the Chinese hand-crafts, which need a notable ability, such as Chinese vases, or the use of chopsticks employed for eating by Asiatic populations.
Yup, same logic. Asians are like Down syndrome patients, because the latter can weave a mean basket as well.
Well, enough of these Italian clowns. It isn’t as if they are the only morons on the block. The following happened in England, where a young NHS psychiatrist describes how she was enjoying the sunshine in the grounds of her new hospital, when suddenly the flowerbed started to speak to her…
In her own words:
‘No, I’m not neuroleptic-deficient. Other people heard it too. One moment, all was quiet and the next a disembodied voice was bellowing from somewhere in the vicinity of the begonias.
“This is a no-smoking area. Please put your cigarette out. A member of staff has been informed.”
The smokers looked understandably alarmed, glanced furtively around and then scarpered. I can’t help questioning the wisdom of installing a talking flowerbed to tell people off in the grounds of a psychiatric hospital, of all places.‘
Indeed.
Still, when you want truly burlesque madness and bureaucratic meanness, the medical profession is but a babe in the woods, compared to your average City Council type, especially when it comes to those good folks dealing with parking offences.
A guy called Barrie Segal wrote a book about them, called ‘The Parking Ticket Awards: Crazy Councils, Meter Madness and Traffic Warden Hell.‘ Not the catchiest of titles, perhaps, but he did manage to gather some lovely info – like this top five of ridiculous parking tickets in 2007:
1) Peter Stapleton a disabled driver, was hopping mad when his leg fell off mid journey forcing him to pull over to reattach it – and got a ticket
2) When a tree fell on Nicky Clegg’s car while driving near Pershore she thought she had had a lucky escape. But when she returned to the wreck with police the following day a traffic warden had got there first to pin a ticket to the shattered windscreen
3) Fred Holt, a pensioner who was held hostage in his local bank during a robbery, received a ticket despite wardens being told not to issue any by police at the scene
4) A young mother who pulled into a motorcycle bay when her baby started choking assumed the approaching traffic warden was to offer assistance. Instead he gave her an £80 ticket
5) A hearse was given a ticket while parked outside the funeral directors. When challenged Edinburgh city council claimed the ticket was correct because the coffin was not yet in the car.
Segal also tells us about the first parking ticket ever written in England:
Britain’s first parking ticket was issued to Dr Thomas Creighton on September 19 1960 when he parked his Ford Popular outside a London hotel to attend a patient suffering a heart attack.
In other words, nothing much has changed since those early days. Which, to be honest, does not come as a huge surprise. Yes, verily, it’s as the good Book says:
“Although affliction cometh not forth of the dust, neither doth trouble spring out of the ground; yet man is born unto stupidity, as the sparks fly upward.”
Or, for those who haven’t given up completely yet on the words and wisdom of scientists:
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Amen - or: That’s all, folks (if you must…)
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