Check ignition (and may God’s love be with you)
People like control. Or, at least, they like the idea of control. Mostly, because lack of control is deemed to be bad. Lack of the control is scary. It’s that weird guy with the ax, grinning and screaming, HERE’S JOHNNY…!!!
Control is good, though. You can use control in many ways, for all kinds of things – but mostly to warn people that if they do this (or don’t do that) the man with the ax will either be kept from the door or invited.
People who love control always love to have a man with an ax around. Fact.
Still, people do – let’s say it politely – have control issues:
A man who believed his car was ‘flashed’ by a camera rented a circular saw and returned, climbing a stepladder to cut off the camera’s ‘head’. He then took it home and put it in his garden. But witnesses had taken down his registration number and the man was traced by the police. When the police examined the camera, there was no record that the man had committed a traffic offence.
It’s not just individuals, of course, who have these slight control lapses or hiccups:
The Pentagon has lost track of about 190,000 AK-47 assault rifles and pistols given to Iraqi security forces in 2004 and 2005, according to a new government report.
Mind you, if you behead a traffic camera, you just get nicked for your efforts. Big organizations, like the Pentagon, still have some control over certain events, when the (‘Here’s Johnny…!!!’) ax threatens to come down on them. They can, for instance, hold a press conference:
One senior Pentagon official acknowledged that some of the weapons probably are being used against U.S. forces.
(My bold script, admittedly, but really: ’some’ of the weapons?! Like: 99% of the Iraqi population are law-abiding citizens and US army fans, who would bring any weapons they found immediately to their local police station?!)
Of course, you don’t really need reality, when it comes to control issues. Some people feel that they need the comfort of imaginary friends. Sometimes, though, imaginary foes (or imaginary actions from real foes) can be so much more fun:
Iranian intelligence operatives recently detained over a dozen squirrels found within the nation’s borders, claiming the rodents were serving as spies for Western powers determined to undermine the Islamic Republic. Iranian news agency IRNA reported that,
“The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies, and were stopped before they could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence services.”
Quite.
Evidently, you can never have enough control. It’s one of those weird, psychological facts, but the more control people and governments actually have, the more paranoid they become about needing to have more and more of it:
Tibet’s living Buddhas have been banned from reincarnation without permission from China’s atheist leaders. The ban is included in new rules intended to assert Beijing’s authority over Tibet’s restive and deeply Buddhist people.
“The so-called reincarnated living Buddha without government approval is illegal and invalid,” according to the order, which comes into effect on September 1.
A well, it should not come as a surprise that people have all these control issues. We are talking about a species that has invested quite a lot of time and money in developing things like the perfect waterproof watch.
Yes, if you don’t mind your symbolism (or metaphors) with a lick of carnie paint, here’s what could be the defining image of homo controliens:
He’s standing on top of a sinking ship, looking at his watch and still wearing the smug kind of half smile that comes with the knowledge that he will be able to tell you, to the exact second, the moment the ship that carries him and his watch will reach the bottom of the cold, cold ocean.
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