Is it a scythe, or a pale horse, or grinning skeleton? Nope, it’s Oscar!
Have you heard of Oscar yet?
Well, Oscar is a cat that seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.
Keep Oscar in mind for now: he will come in very handy in just a moment. For now though I’ll pass the mike to The Times‘ very own Matthew Parris:
Soviet communism being no longer appropriate for the role of preoccupying threat, the IRA having gone away, and bird flu having failed to live up to early hopes, we have fixed on al-Qaeda. It would need to achieve about four big explosions a week to match deaths from MRSA and road accidents, but commonplace dangers lack the scare value we crave. Thus too, unwanted pregnancy having lost its power to intimidate, syphilis being curable, and homosexuality having gone out of fashion as a sin, we have lighted upon smoking as our new moral horror.
So far, so theoretical? Not quite. For Parris has gone to Buxton’s opera house to watch a performance of Donizetti’s Roberto Devereux:
At the entrance to the auditorium was a big sign: WARNING: THIS PERFORMANCE CONTAINS A PERSON SMOKING ON STAGE.
Can someone please wake up Oscar – and point him in the general direction of Buxton. He’s got some serious curling up to do there.
Mind you, when he’s done, put the cat on the first plane to South Africa:
Earlier this week, a woman in Umlazi township, near Durban, was stripped naked and her shack burnt down, because she was wearing trousers.
Which is bad enough - but it gets quite a bit worse:
After this, a community meeting decided to ban women in the area wearing trousers.
So, All those present at that meeting, meet Oscar. Oscar, go cuddle!
Now, I know the little fellow needs his sleep but I’ve got one last job for him before he can retire for the night. Oscar, to Brooklyn, please:
Fourth Street was abuzz on Sunday when neighbors awoke to find a woman — in full wedding attire — apparently asleep on a ledge above the door of a Park Slope brownstone.
So, what’s the fuss? Never heard of Sleeping Beauty?
Police quickly arrived, but no one knew what to make of the mysterious woman or even how she could have gotten up on the ledge without assistance.
I’m telling you, it’s Sleeping Beauty. It’s what she does: fall asleep any which way & where, at the drop of a bloody sewing needle.
The woman had a teddy bear-shaped bag with her that contained a wedding ring inside a Tiffany box, a witness told The Brooklyn Paper. When the cops took it away from her briefly, she squealed, a witness said, and the officer gave it back.
Told you so: Sleeping bleeding Beauty! The Prince woke her; they got hitched; he won her some stupid carnival toy bag. Now he’s off to buy some more champagne and she’s taking a nap. It’s what she does!
Another neighbor added, “We all kept thinking, ‘This has got to be some student prank or something…
Nope, just Sleeping Beauty.
But once the cops cuffed her, it didn’t seem like a joke anymore.”
They frigging cuffed Sleeping Beauty??!!
OSCAR…!!!
If you enjoyed this post, subscribe today to get free updates by email or RSS.
