Look, mama! Not a bloody clue.
Romanian police have arrested a naked man with no hands for drink driving. Officers pulled over his car after seeing it swerving from side to side on a busy road.
They were shocked to find disabled driver Aurel Olteanu, 23, naked in his BMW 3 series in the seaside resort of Mamaia.
Olteanu who was twice over the legal alcohol limit has been charged with dangerous driving.
Yes, it’s time for another award!
The Olteanu ‘No Clothes, No Hands, No Clue Awards’ (or ‘No CHCs’) will be presented to individuals, institutions or countries who will have made an unforgivable ass of themselves in public.
For this year the No CHC candidates are:
1) The Tokyo High Court, for their “See! No hands, no quake” approach to public safety;
In 2005, fearing the effects of a significant quake, a group of residents fought to have Kashiwazaki’s licence to build a new reactor revoked. The Tokyo High Court rejected the plaintiffs’ claim that an active fault ran under the station, concluding that what the residents thought was an active fault “did not even amount to a fault and could not cause a quake”.
2) Former Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay, for his shameless, no clue populism:
DeLay told a gathering of College Republicans that a link exists between legal abortion and illegal immigration in America. The remarks were included in a video produced by writer Max Blumenthal and posted at The Huffington Post.
“I contend [abortion] affects you in immigration,” DeLay told the Washington-area gathering. “If we had those 40 million children that were killed over the last 30 years, we wouldn’t need the illegal immigrants to fill the jobs that they are doing today. Think about it.”
3) Mark E. Petersen, of the Council of the 12 Apostles, for his ‘No hands, no clue’ publication on the evils of masturbation:
Pray. But when you pray, don’t pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER — NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.
And his very appropriate but still rather surprising rule number 7, which should be printed on the front of every self-help manual:
Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind.
In the celebrity category, this year’s two nominees for the No CHC Awards are the singer Jon Bon Jovi:
Jon Bon Jovi wants the owner of the Mijovi energy drink to change its name, arguing it is too similar to his famous moniker.
The singer’s lawyers are now moving in on the the Belgium chocolate industry, claiming that their most popular product, the bonbon, could remind people, unfavourably, of the dreadfully sacharine ballads Jon Bon Jovi has been producing the last fifteen years or so.
(Rumours that the singer’s lawyers are also talking to people in the Long Johns industry are hotly denied by Jon Bon Jovi’s minders.)
The second, very strong celebrity candidate for this year’s No CHCs is talkshow host Oprah Winfrey, whose dog recently died.
I don’t believe in accidents,” writes Winfrey. “I know for sure that everything in life happens to help us live.”
“Her life was a gift to me. Her death, a greater one.”
Like many people - and almost all celebrities - Winfrey firmly believes that the world turns around her. To her, and others, we must, nevertheless point out, friendly but firmly, that
dogs don’t die horribly bewildered deaths, choking on stupid toys you should have cleared up, in order to teach you that you should live your witless life to the full, you self-centered moron!
The idea that your famous Godhead has a plan for everything, which also involves torturing and killing dumb animals for your highly dubious enlightenment, is only in a matter of scale any different from the obscene suggestion that God planned the World War ll death camps, so that the rest of us would appreciate our little lives a bit more and read our self-centered self-help manuals with even more greedy gusto.
End of rant – but not, by any means, the end of my loathing.
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