Round and round the bend we go
Perhaps they work on the principle of the ice-cream van. Do feckless, pork-necked, jobless wasters hear the whine of the bike going past and begin to drool and slobber and say to themselves, “Yum yum, is that the dulcet tone of the all-healing pizza man I hear? Ooh, ooh, I haven’t had a hubcap-sized slab of refined flour covered with tomato jam and reformed ham chunks smelling strongly of old socks in weeks, I’ll dial up right now”? Perhaps they do.
That was The Times‘ very own Giles Coren, loudly complaining about those irritating pizza mopeds that race through his street.
The ice-cream van (or pizza courier) principle might also be applied to the various Churches of the Apocalypse. How do they sell their product and how do they keep the punters attentive – and afraid, very afraid?
There are the trusted evergreens, of course. A wrathful God may be a bit old hat but some like their Apocalypse conventional and – almost – comforting, like warm Ovaltine or Marmite on toast.
A good Flood is always appreciated, of course.
Still, these days people are more self-centered. We’re no longer living in the world of Copernicus, where the earth moves round the sun. Hell, we’ve even turned our back on Ptolemy, who thought the earth was the still, Gods-blessed and dignified centre of the universe.
We’ve gone from astrology to celebtology and now most people truly believe that the earth turns around them. So, God, as the Driving Principle is out. Whatever happens on this side of eternity is all because of us.
Which leads to pretty spectacular conspiracy theories – and Apocalyptic scenarios, of course.
Global warming? Easy, it’s because of all those stupid and selfish bastards who won’t use Head & Shoulders.
Of course, all these doom and gloom scenarios are starting to get to folks. When those clouds that were known for their silver linings get replaced with images of tornado-breeding rainbows, that does have consequences for the state of mental health of earth’s hapless passengers.
Some turn off and drop out, suddenly finding their own belly fluff much more interesting than the outside world.
Others go the route of Socrates – but choosing more modern poisons than that great sage’s hemlock cocktail.
There are those who opt for a more Gore-ish or Moore-ish approach to life, trying to make a difference; the old Reach out and touch someone avenue.
Quite a lot of people just go insane, of course. Finding comfort in weird theories and even madder cults. Some become fearless vampire killers.
Still, the old ways do have their die-hard fans. The vengeful God squad will always be with us. If thy eye offends thee, rip it out – and let the punishment fit the crime…
Others, claiming the most intimate knowledge of the state and colour of their Creator’s underpants, march the streets, waving placards. They don’t simply state that the end is nigh – they bloody well know who’s to blame for all the world’s ills too and they are more than happy to share this knowledge with the rest of us.
And so, and so, and so, these pesky Riders and Groupies of the Apocalypse keep driving through our streets on their noisy little pizza-mopeds, driving everybody else, slowly but surely, round the bend.
If you enjoyed this post, subscribe today to get free updates by email or RSS.
