Glob-a-log

If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden, or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it … whose fault is it, the cats’ or the uncovered meat? The uncovered meat is the problem.

The man who said this, Australia’s top Muslim cleric Sheik al-Hilai, resigned this week.

Good news? Well, only marginally so.

He made this not-so-veiled apology for rapists a year ago - and he wasn’t cautioned, suspended or fired by the people who’d hired him. (The latter, quite predictably, claiming that the Sheik’s words were taken out of context.  Well, why not - let’s give the  poor guy the benefit of the doubt: I’m sure he has nothing against cats, really.)

Nor could the Australian government, in fact, be bothered enough to prosecute or deport him. So, in the end it was this  mad mullah’s decision to stay on or, as it happened, to quit.

That in itself is a victory for bigotry, intolerance and barbarism - and yet another stupendously cowardly defeat for both the so-called civilized West as the craven forces of a mostly mythical moderate Islam.

To add insult to obscenity: announcing his resignation the Sheik, who is, amongst other disgusting things, also a Holocaust denier, had the appalling gall to ask the Council of Muslims to appoint a follower of his choosing.

The Council, of course, kindly obliged.

In today’s online Times, Rod Little writes in his column:

The G8 might be better rechristened the G9, since an inevitable presence at these convocations is the People’s Republic of Bono. Perhaps he should have a seat on the United Nations security council, too.

Now, if you’ll bear with me – and I promise that I’m only slightly digressing:

The story goes that once, at some party, Robert Graves said, Jesus Christ lived to the age of 80, went to China and discovered spaghetti.

One of the other guests then asked him, In which gospel do we learn that Jesus Christ discovered spaghetti?

In no gospel. Graves answered; It’s simply a matter of common knowledge.

I’m not sure I’d like to hang around long enough to see Bono reach that venerable age – but since he seems to think he is a kind of upbeat remake of the Son of Man (with designer specs) it would be nice if he’d make haste to follow in J.C.’s footsteps and simply sod off to China and go discover spaghetti or something.

So, here we have the upcoming presidential elections in the US of A and the two main parties:

Democrats: boooring.
Republicans: forget about it (in a De Niro accent, please.)

Just a thought though. From time to time that third party candidate option comes back to haunt our collective fairground places.

So, why, for once, not do that for real in 2008?

With Al Gore as the presidential candidate and Bill Clinton as his running mate. It would seem that the Constitution allows it.

(Okay, it would piss off Hillary big time - but is there anyone who believes those two wouldn’t win, if they really went for it?)

So, this is the deal. A fourteen years’ old boy molests an eight years’ old girl, while he is babysitting her. The girl’s mother finds out and goes to the police.

Then the little girl is charged with lewd behaviour - though somewhat later these charges are dropped.

Are you angry now - very angry?

Good - but wait: I lied.

Here’s the real story. The babysitter was actually a girl; the boy was her victim.

So, that makes it alright, no?

No? So, you’re still angry? Good - but are you as angry as you were the first time round?

Be honest now.

Ah, we are fucked-up little people in a fucked-up world, aren’t we?

A Homeland Security caption
Read: we need divine interception,
To deliver votes
Through Osama quotes
And some tame Katrina contraption

The Armed Forces’ P.C. patrols warn:
By the grace of our good Lord we’re sworn
To put up our dukes
For napalm and nukes
But to banish all Satan’s vile porn.

It’s not been a very good week for religion. First, some faith healer in India got arrested for failing to revive one of his house guests, who’d committed suicide somewhat earlier.

To stick with suicide for a bit, wannabe Muslim martyrs weren’t exactly pleased when someone in Allah’s Eternal Garden of Delights leaked a picture of the Virgin Welcoming Committee.

Not that Christians had a good week. Not when news reached them that Adam had been kicked out of that other Garden - again! And this time round he couldn’t even blame Eve for his troubles.

Mind you, since most people believe that God made Adam from mud, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that he proved to have feet of clay.

Talking of which, an article in the online Times asked the question why Hollywood likes cartoon figures so much, these days.

Well, maybe because they don’t go stark raving mad like this or prove to be drunk KKK fodder like this guy.

So, there’s much to be said for the use of cartoon figures instead of human actors.

In fact, it might be high time that we replaced our politicians with cartoon characters as well. After all, those two-dimensional figures of fun couldn’t make a much worse job of it than their flesh and blood counterparts - and they would sure as Hell be more popular.

I mean, when Giuliani can’t even get the ferret vote and even George Bush’s stomach (after that latest greeting gaff in Germany) becomes heartily sick of its owner, it might be time to pull the plug on that set of ugly losers and go for more friendly types like Taz or more eloquent and suave ones like the original Donald Duck.

What’s more, as an ultimate act of self defence, we may well be forced to replace all these terrible people with cartoons. Unlike Adam, they will never leave their cozy Gardens under their own steam.

You’re a brainless celeb, caught in the act? Get your out of jail card here - and hey: let’s make some extra cash out of it as well and create an online game.

You’re a politician and you’ve lied to your country and invaded another? Just retire whenever it suits you and then make millions on the American lecture circuit.

In sports, when you get caught cheating, you pay. When you’re a celeb or a politician - well, order your cheating bracelet here.

So, bring on those toons - and let’s all hail the next president of the US of A, who, when holding his or her first State of the Union address, will end, of course, with these, already immortal and beloved words.

I can’t wait.

From the Space Nerds’ Con. introduction:
Tell my gran about eggs and suction!
Only a hatter,
Mad as dark matter,
Would make light of alien abduction.

Whether you die for God or big oil,
In Walter Reid or on foreign soil:
Though we hate bragging,
Our body bagging
Is like harvesting without the toil.

Spoke the old femme fatale to a fan:
For every buck there’s an also ran.
But here’s to dreaming
And truth and scheming
And the easy hypnosis of man.