Of God and dead Diana, ducks, penguins and aliens – and happily, luckily, joyfully, Heavenly (I want to marry her) MIKA!!!
There have been lots of depressing stories in the news lately. Enough to make you want to find a sympathetic lap, lay down your head and be cuddled – or maybe not cuddled. Laps may come cheap these days; cuddles do not.
Which is fairly depressing in itself, come to think of it.
Anyway, onwards and ever downwards, I’m afraid. For here’s to a guy who managed to combine the worst of two worlds (gobbledygook science with Loony Tunes religion) in one and the same foul swoop - or book:
I am proposing that the Son and the Father Singularities guided the worlds of the multiverse to concentrate the energy of the particles constituting Jesus in our universe into the Jesus of our universe.
That’s from the book The Physics of Christianity, by a guy named, no doubt very aptly, Frank Tipler. Another frankly tippled quote? Why the Hell not:
If Jesus indeed rose from the dead using the mechanism described in Chapter 8, namely electroweak tunneling to convert matter into energy, and if indeed this was done with the intention of showing us how to use the same process, then we ourselves should be able to learn how to turn matter into either electromagnetic energy or neutrinos within a few decades.
Compared to Tipler the 78-year-old Romanian orphan who wanted to get his original birth name back for Resurrectional purposes, sounds positively sane:
It is well known God calls you by the name you were given when you were born and when you are baptised and when I die I will need that name.
Talking of death and endless resurrections and post-mortems, there was yet another interview with one of the princes – yes, the sons of Diana the Dead.
Prince William said that the most outrageous thing the tabloid press had ever done to his mother was to say that she’d been too fat. Spoke the prince:
Someone said she had cellulite or something like that. As a woman in the public eye, she tried so hard and was so glamorous, always in the gym.
Weeellll…
In terms of outrageousness drawing attention to a bit of lemon peely skin ain’t exactly in the same league as chasing that same person through Paris, into a tunnel, where she subsequently dies in a car crash that can’t have done much for her looks either.
Or - yes! Maybe this is the missing piece of the puzzle. Maybe the last words of Diana, when she got in the car were:
Right, that’s it! Did you hear that? That beastly photographer called me a lard arse. Step on it, Dodi. I need to get to the gym NOW!
Mind you, however irritating and even deadly these individual invasions of privacy may be, they are nothing to what Bush and his old mate Tony were doing in Afghanistan and Iraq, of course.
Sorry, sorry, I take that back! Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, etcetera. NEWSFLASH!!!:
Mr. Bush said that he and the outgoing British prime minister had worked together to achieve world peace.
Ah, so that was what they were doing. Well, that’s alright then – and now we can worry about much more sinister invasions, like the soon expected arrival of the dreaded rubber ducks!
Keeping on the subject of invasions, the alien threat is back – and no, I’m not talking about a few border-crossing Mexicans or even those dastardly, customs-dodging penguins; no, the real ones – the little green men from Mars ones.
No lesser organisation than the American Advertising Standards Bureau has upheld several complaints against a McDonald’s television commercial, because it encourages children to accept lifts from space aliens.
McDonald’s colluding with evil space invaders who want to harm innocent children…? Yes, one could see how that would work - with that evil clown saying to the alien spaceship commander:
Right. We fatten them up - and you take it from there.
As I said, it’s been a week of incredibly dumb and depressing news. With only one exception.
I want to bow deeply and say my thankful prayers to Mika Brzezinski of MNSBC, who flat out refused to read out any more stories about Paris Hilton.
Thank you, Mika. Truly.
Please, make a run for the presidency: your country needs you.
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