B b b b bad to the bone
It’s been another good week for crime reporters. They took everything but the kitchen sink, as the saying goes - and it came pretty close to that as well, as a matter of fact. There was also a bit of old-fashioned Jailhouse Rock, when an Elvis fan got caught with his hands in the till. Weighing about as much as the King in his final days, the loot came in at a respectable 500.000 pounds.
It wasn’t just crime; there was also some plain mad, bad and dangerous behaviour. Dentists who refused to treat bad teeth, nurses screaming abuse at patients and an Italian teacher who bit one of her pupils in the arm. (Well, at least she didn’t cut off the pupil’s tongue, as another Italian teacher did earlier this year.)
Of course, all the stupid celebs were at it again as well. Lindsay ‘there’s nothing wrong with me’ Lohan went into rehab - again. In a new bid for sympathy (and a get-out-of-jail card) Paris Hilton tried to sell her new goody good shoe daughter act, visiting her father in hospital. Britney Spears also came a-creeping from under some stubbly stone and wrote a highly moving message to all her fans, explaining why - ah well, who cares.
There was also some Christian madness, from Poland this time. Falwell may be dead and buried but his spirit is alive and well and hovers in Poland. Talking of Christian charity: Starbucks, that lovable company, made the news when they announced they plan to fire a single mother because she got pregnant. The cup that cheers, indeed.
(There was one bit of hilarious news from the Bible Belt boondocks, when a Christian blogger accused atheists of, let’s call it, moral property theft.)
Anyway, business as usual on spaceship Earth. Although lately there have been some worrying developments. It’s one thing if humans are misbehaving - we’re pretty used to that, by now - but more and more animals are now copycatting us.
Just this week a hamster put a man into hospital, a leopard was caught burgling a house and an ageing elephant was seen threatening motorists, aggressively panhandling for food. Still, the most distressing news was that the cheetah behaves even worse and more lewdly than human celebrities.
Ah well, we have to look on the bright side - and we can. Scientists have discovered 28 new planets. With all those animals now starting to behave like us, humans, we are probably going to need all the planets we can get at soon enough.
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